I don't feel comfortable in my body, but I do feel semi attractive. I used to think that if I didn't love myself that why would someone love me?!? Well it turns out I am more than a body, I am a funny, creative, thoughtful person.. and thats what makes people fall in love with you, not if my stomach is flat.
I started this thing at my mom's suggestion, I wrote 100 things that I liked about myself. OMG, it was hard and I got down to the nitty gritty like how I like my eyebrows heh... It's a valuable exercise, I say try it!
I didn't like myself heavy and I struggle to like myself thin, I am still the fat girl in my head. I ended up with some loose skin, especially my stomach and breasts that looks okay in clothes but it's really wrinkled and hideous when I bend over. Poor boobies - like oranges in tube socks.
It's okay to have boundaries, you know. So you shrunk from this old friend-- if he wouldn't have touched you when you were heavier, was it all that innocent a touch? Was it a way you WANTED to be touched?
Charlotte, I can relate so much. Granted I'm not near my goal yet, but I imagine I'll be going through something similar when I get closer to it. I'm not sure what to tell you in terms of advice or suggestions, I just want to let you know that you're not alone in feeling this way. I think it does have to do with loving ourselves.
For me, it's also that I have long defined myself as a person by my weight in negative terms... so part of that for me is taking the spotlight off of my body and distributing it. It's easier to accept that I'm probably unattractive and I wouldn't find a boyfriend because of my body, than it is to finally admit to myself that I am scared to put myself out there and interact with people. I don't know what I'm so scared of.... that I won't know what to say to people? that I don't have strong social skills, that I'm socially awkward and sometimes anxious? I'm not too sure, all I know is that I AM scared to act as though I matter. As though I am a great, fabulous, and wonderful person to be around. I am so scared to "let myself out of myself" and just be myself. So instead, I have used my weight as a scapegoat. I have not gone places, not interacted, believed that I don't matter or matter so much less in the grand scheme of things. Well, I'm going on and on here. I just wanted to let you know that you're not by yourself in this
First, you are TOTALLY normal, Miss Charlotte. I think it takes any of us a while for our brains to catch up with our bodies after a big swing in either direction. I can remember clearly how, the first time I lost a lot of weight, my mom and I went shopping for a prom dress, and I immediately headed for the largest size on the rack.
I weighed 120 lbs - a size 8. I was trying on 16/18s and the store owner had to almost BEG me to try on smaller dresses.
There's also a side issue that I have that may or may not be in play in your case: I feel much less threatening to other women if I'm fat. (Funny how, on those occasions when I was thin, I didn't think I was such hot stuff.) In my head, fat me is more easily liked than thin me. I'm fun and nice, but there's no threat that I'm going to steal your boyfriend.
And if someone doesn't like me, I can blame it on their shallow, stupid attitudes toward fat people. As I get smaller, I start to lose that security blanket and have to WATCH myself so I don't undo my progress to regain both the weight and the cushion between me and potential rejection. I'm not over it, but I'm getting there.
I REALLY hope this made sense. I'm not sure that I really addressed what you were asking, either. If I didn't, I'm sorry.
Anyway, I wish you the best and hope you can soon realize how completely AWESOME you are.
One thing that I have found when it comes to men and losing weight.. when I was a big girl, the guys that were around me, were around me because they wanted to be my friend and I was funny, " one of the guys", and if they had a girl they werent at all threatened by me.. ( and the funny part is alot of them SHOULD have been hehe)
Now that I have lost weight.. guys wanna be around me because they wanna "get with me", they could care less WHO I am.. and if they have a girlfriend well.. it sometimes gets ugly.. like I got my car keyed because my friend needed a ride somewhere to pay a bill, and his girl thought there was something between us.. ... just lovely I tell ya.
Point being.. when you are bigger your life is different than when you are smaller.. people just treat you different. Sometimes better... sometimes worse. Just think it sucks. It definitely takes time for your brain to catch up. When it does though its a beautiful thing.. for me.. sometimes my brain has caught up, and other days it forgets.. it differs for me day to day honestly
Well... gosh! If some of you ladies at your new lower weight still wouldn't let an interested party touch you... WHEN WILL YOU???
Jay
Personally, I'm not sure that I will.
For me, I'm not sure that my intimacy issues are caused by my weight, I saw it working the other way round. For a long time I was scared of losing weight because when I was weight I could blame my eternal singleness and fear of intimacy on my body, my weight and not have to confront the issue that maybe I'm just not wired that way. I was scared of becoming thin and having to actively deal with the issue rather than it simply being a non-issue. Once I got it straight in my head that it's perfectly OK to have a happy, fulfilled life without worrying about men or relationships or anything like that, I lost the fear of being thinner and potentially attractive and I was able to lose weight.
However, my brain might be catching up to some extent. I've been at this weight a year so it's a slow process, but now I'm starting to think that if the right person came along it's something I might consider, but I'm certainly not going to go out looking or rushing into trying something I'm not comfortable with at a fundamental level.
They're hard to find, but they're out there, guys who like you as you are, even with your flaws. My boyfriend would take me, fat or not, extra skin or not, stretch marks or not, and all my other flaws. I work on them for me, because it would make me feel better. But don't think that you can't be liked, and loved, as you are (and from before).
Now that I have lost weight.. guys wanna be around me because they wanna "get with me", they could care less WHO I am.. and if they have a girlfriend well.. it sometimes gets ugly.. like I got my car keyed because my friend needed a ride somewhere to pay a bill, and his girl thought there was something between us.. ... just lovely I tell ya.
I'm beginning to feel like this, too. Granted, for most of my life I've had long-term relationships and male friends who were platonically out to watch out for me. But now I've been kind of thrust back onto the dating scene and I've been consistently appalled by how I feel like I'm no longer a person with thoughts and feelings to a lot of people; instead, I'm just a body to be weighed and considered. It's kind of depressing.
Not all of that is true, since I have been on some great dates, but I've always been accustomed to receiving a certain degree of respect, and not getting it is tough on me.
As for the general topic of this thread, the way I always get over my discomfort about sex (and believe me, I had hang-ups about my body when I was 135 pounds) is to think of it from the male point of view. They aren't faulting you for big thighs or a belly, they're just thanking the stars that you're there and naked and it's awesome.
Sorry, had to jump in and say.............my mind is still trying to catch up to the fact that I'm FAT! The mind is tricky! I still see myself at 175, that was the skinniest for me after I had my daughter. So sad when I really look in the mirror or photos of myself, I don't want to be like that! I was in so much denial!
I don't see myself as fat anymore. I just don't like my body.
From my experience guys DEFINITELY prefer girls with MORE meat on them. They like that little extra something to hold onto. They could give 2 hoots about a little (or alot) of extra thigh, butt or stomach. We are the ones who are hung up about body perfection. But iconclast did say it best - "They are thanking the starts that you are there and naked." They are soooo not looking or caring about some extra weight. It's a non-issue to them.
Have you ever seen Ron White? He's one of the Blue Collar Tour. "Ya know once you've seen one woman naked ... you want to see 'em all naked."
I just wanted to say that ... my family is not huggy. My DH's family is not warm and cosy either. There are very few people that I'm comfortable pressing my body against. It has nothing to do with my body ... it's all in my head.
I can completely relate! I don't think I have ever had a positive body image. I'm a non-athlete in a family of VERY athletic people (coaches, marathon runners, martial artists etc.) I have always been the one who sits or stands on the sidelines and drags the food and water and holds the sweatshirts and coats! I have been the support system for my entire family for my whole life. About seven years ago when I realized that I was MORBIDLY OBESE, I began to think a bit about myself. Since then I have been in a struggle WITH myself to try to see myself as I really am.
I think it is difficult to see yourself as you really are! That sounds bizarre, I know, but I am just now starting to "get" that I don't take up as much space as I used to! Yesterday, for example, I was helping my husband put in a new dryer vent. I was holding the long coiled silver vent as he was tightening the clamp to the part that goes to the outside of the house. I suddenly looked at the VERY SMALL SPACE where we BOTH were standing-wedged between the pulled-out dryer and the washer and the wall. Then I looked at the space that we both had had to fit in to even GET to the work area. I was completely shocked! It is small AH-HA! moments like that that completely blow me away! I guess I have been big for so long that it is going to take me a number of these AH-HA! moments to finally be able to "see" myself clearly and accurately as the size that I am now.
We have to first love ourselves. I think everyone on this site is in the process of learning how to do that! Try to think of all the wonderful things about YOU! Make a list of all the great things that you can do, things that are special about you, things that make you proud of yourself. Keep adding to this list. I began doing that about seven years ago in my journal. I keep adding to it as I discover new things that I can do or new things that I have learned as the days go by. Believe me, it really helps!
You are a person who deserves love from a special someone, but FIRST love yourself! When you truly love yourself you will be able to accept love from someone else...you really will!
I've heard people who WERE fat but are currently thin say this a lot: they just can't seem to SEE a thin person, or to KNOW themselves as THIN. That even tho they've conquered their weight problem, they still feel the same as they did when they were fat. And they expected to feel WAY different.
It's understandable, I think. But having known both sides of the scale sooooo many times (read: yo-yo dieter!) I'm not sure HOW I feel anymore. I just know that being thin feels better than being fat, and I like me more when I'm thin.
