My marriage is in trouble.
 

I had gained a lot of weight when I got pregnant with our son after being married for one year. Our 3 year anniversary is tomorrow. He tells me tonight he does not love me anymore. He is not attracted to me. He says he has been patient and our son is now 15 months old and I have not lost a single pound since he was 3 months old. I am so in love with him. I am having a hard time typing because I can't quit crying. My heart is broken. It wasn't a surprise. I've known for a while now my weight is an issue. It's mostly because of me. I don't let him touch me because I'm afraid he will get grossed out. I have horrible self-esteem right now. I do NOT want my marriage to fail. Any suggestions will be appreciated.
Thank you.:( :?:

First of all :hug: its going to be ok.

I think if your husband is telling you that he doesnt love you, it doesnt have anything to do with your weight. Just because someone is bigger than they were doesnt mean you stop loving them.

I understand that you are self concious about your weight right now, but if he WANTS to touch you.. then me MUST find you attractive despite what he says. He could be saying those things out of frustration, because men, have very fragile egos.

I really dont know what advice to give because I have never been married and I can only imagine how helpless and sad I would feel if that man that I am in love with ever said those things to me. Only thing I can say is.. have you been trying to lose weight? What types of things are you doing? Do you want to lose weight? You have to do it for yourself, or it will not work. Maybe you can develope a game plan on what you want for yourself and then let him know your plan? Im sorry.. I want to be more of a help but its a sticky situation.

First off Thank You. I think I have ignored the signs for too long. When he starts to pull away I will try a diet and when it doesn't work and he isn't pulling away I don't do anything about it. I want to lose weight for more reasons than losing my marriage. I want to feel better. I want to be able to play with my son. I want myself and my family to be proud of me. I know all that sounds healthy but why can't I do it? I have tried weight watchers, the idiot diet, atkins, biggest loser, starving. All could work if I made it. What is stopping me? I feel so whiney. I know exercise is a big part of it. I just gotta be like Nike and Just Do It!!!! But I don't...Why?!? I guess I just grew up like an ostrich. Head in the sand it will all go away. My families philosophy! Anyway, thanks for responding.

I have the ostrich complex too.. I have a very bad habit of just running from my problems and hoping that it was just "go away" I tell you what you do. Start out small. Say.. ok.. this month.. I will not drink any sodas and I will exercise 30 mins a day. You will lose weight just from those simple things alone. Thats where i started and it kinda had the snow ball effect. Unfortunately I knew nothing about boards like these, and I didnt discover it until about a year ago, I had to dig and dig and dig for my info but there is a TON here.. and it will get you well on your way. We will stroke your ego, pick you up when you fall, give you strength when you are weak, and we are always proud of ANYTHING you do that is a step in the right direction and of course occassionally there is tough love, but only when its needed. Give this board a chance and you WILL find it in you if it something you really want, but you have to find it in yourself. I believe that losing weight and working on your body is the most selfish, yet selfless thing you can do all at the same time. Just remember, YOU have to take care of YOU because no one else will!

Best wishes to you in this tough time. As far as losing weight, it was kind of funny, I found it to be the easiest thing AND the hardest thing I have ever done.

It was easy for me because I concentrated on eating good foods and avoiding bad foods - good foods aren't a big mystery (fruit, vegetables, complex carbohydrates - like whole grain bread/pasta, low fat dairy, lean protein and healthy fat) and bad foods aren't a myster either (fatty meat, fast food, packaged baked goods, sugary soda, fried foods, sugary foods). It was a little more complicated than that, but the basic premise was very simple.

It was hard for me because you just can't eat healthy by accident. For me, it requires a ton of planning. I pick healthy recipes, I go to the grocery store at least 2 times a week, I plan meals for the week, I pack lunches, I look up restaurant food online before I go etc.

I dieted unsuccessfully for 20 years, sure I could lose weight, I could never keep it off. For me, diets were always short term unpleasant things that I wanted to be over as quickly as possible so I could go back to eating the foods I loved - pastries, muffins, venti caramel lattes, nachos, pizza. I had to really accept that my "normal" way of eating made me heavy and I had to give that up forever. I had to find healthy foods I liked just as much as the bad foods and I did! I love whole wheat toast with natural peanut butter, I love plain baked sweet potatoes, I love plain yogurt with sliced strawberries. I made it work because I liked what I was doing.

Good luck to you!

hi good, and welcome!

You know what? you gave him a gift! You gave him a child! That in itself is miraculous! Not that am phsyciually incapable of conceiving, but my husband is stuck with 4 cats, a pomeranian, and me, lol :) We are a nice bunch though :) Listen, you gave the gift of life, you gave a child! That is so beautiful!, it really is. So you gained a bit of weight in the process, so what? You will lose it. DO you realize what you have done? does he?
You know what I would do if i wer you? oh god, use it as fuel!!!!!!!! He says he is not attracted to you ha? Take evrery ounce of fiber inyour being and start working towards your goal, make him begggggggggggg after!, lol.

As for your saying you cannot and this and that, you cannnnnnnnnnnn! I urge you to come here and post, also, be very careful. I would not tell them of your plan quite yet, come here and post! as for anything else, your beautiful just the way you are! for YOU! dont you let anyone make you feel bad for anything else! Oh, how I want to see you dodge the weight and get into heels and make the guy begggggggggg after! lol. Someone in the post said its about you, and that is so true, do if for you but in the meantime use the rest for fuel if you can! DOn't ever forget your own self worth and self worth is not measured by the scale! As for myself, I can't say enough about this site or the people here! I found it just a short while ago and I truly beleive it is and was the catalyst for my healthy changes! Come here sweety, post and post, write! Again, be weary of telling the so called others in your life right now, only tell those you know are very supportive. My mom and husband are the only ones who know of my endeavors here, for a reason! Good luck , you CAN do it! :)

Hi there. I had to respond to this because of what you said about not wanting him to touch you. I feel the same way a lot with my husband. I look at myself in the mirror and wonder why would he want to be with me when I look so awful? We really set ourselves up for this horrible self image. We can't all have fabulous bodies and look like movie stars. Even if I was thin I would still be the same height I am now, I can't change that. You feel unattractive and ugly and now your husband is buying into that as well. He may also be feeling that because you don't want him to touch you that you don't love him regardless of you saying it. Men equate sex with love, not all of them of course, but that is a huge factor for them. He is thinking that if you don't want to be intimate with him then you don't love him. He could be saying that you aren't attractive anymore in order to make himself feel better, he is feeling hurt because of your lack of interest in intimacy. there are plenty of overweight women that have fabulous sex lives, it should not be a factor in your marriage. I hope you are able to have an honest discussion with him about this issue and work things out. Best wishes!

I think you probably need some counseling. For yourself and for your marriage. I couldn't imagine how it would feel if my husband told me that he didn't want me to touch him. I'd feel distraught, hurt and rejected. Your weight does not equal who you are and you shouldn't feel bad about yourself due to your weight. Honestly, I couldn't lose a lb until I started to feel good about who I was and what I was doing.

I think a big thing to remember here, and you may need to speak with your DH about this. But when we don't feel good about ourselves, it's hard for others to feel good about us. I know when I feel sexy, attractive and dangerous, Matt responds the same way. When I feel fat, unattractive and wonder why anyone could want me, things can go bad. Most people like people who are confident about themselves, regardless of anything else. Do you project a sexy image? Not in clothes, hair or make-up, but do you let your husband know that you want him? That you still feel sexy and desirable after having a baby? Oftentimes, in my own experience, when men say they find their wives unattractive, they may isolate the weight as the reason, but it is often the wives own feelings they pick up on.

I'm not saying being fat and overweight and confident is the way to go. For some it is, but you don't sound happy about yourself right now. Before going off on a weightloss plan, think about hwat you really want. Long term. And not in regards to other people. Sure, we all want our marriages to work our kids to be happy, etc etc. But, what do YOU want long term for you. Do you want a life of health? Do you want to be able to play with your son? Do you want to learn how to sew? Maybe you've always dreamed of hiking a mountain or swimming laps easily or being in a 5k run. Think of things that will make YOU happy, then find a way to incorporate those into your life in a healthy manner. When you reach for a soda, make a concious decision to drink it or to make a healthier choice. Maybe, like I use to, sweet tea is a staple in your house. I would drink that all day, every day, without making a concious decision to drink it. It's just what I did. Same with my Dr. Pepper and Twix, it's just what I had as a snack. Now, I make sure I always think about what I put in my mouth and there's nothing in my house to knock me off plan. If I want a snack, I put thought into why I want it, and if I'm really hungray or if I'm thirsty.

Small goals. You don't have to lose 100 pounds in a week. More, you shouldn't, for health reasons. Make a decision, to simply eliminate one unhealthy item from your diet this week. Whether it's soda, or sweet tea, or cookies. Pick one and promise yourself you won't have any for a week. You don't swear stuff off forever, or call them "bad" because then we want it more. Then, next week, pick one more unhealthy item. As you eliminate the unhealthy, add a healthy. So, if you normally have a soda, have a glass of water or hot herbal tea instead. Toss out the bag of fun size snickers and bring home a bag of baby carrots. When you would normally eat the candy, eat a carrot. These are all small changes that add up to a huge benefit. In time, it becomes second nature and much less of a chore. You can do this, but you have to WANT to do this, not for your hubby or son, although the kid is a good reason and one many of us start with, but for most of us who are losing weight, over time and in a healthy manner and never want to have to lose weight again, it becomes for US. I am getting healthy to better MY life. Sure, it makes my kids lives better, absolutely it makes my relationship with Matt better, because I'm not so focused on what I can't do, but on what I CAN do. Good luck!

Hey, this is pretty miserable. I'm so sorry. :(

The question I would have is, "If you don't love me now, then will you love me if I lose weight?" A yes answer is pretty doggone shallow and would make me question what "love" means to him. A no answer--well, you can figure that one out. If the answer is "I don't know," then the next question is "Are you willing to support my efforts to lose weight?" Keep in mind that that may mean a change in his eating habits as well as yours, for example, if he's used to eating fast food, pizza, lots of fatty foods, and so on.

Good luck to you. I can only hope that he didn't mean it the way it came out.

Jay

Good, you've gotten some great feedback from the others. I just want to throw in my two cents. I've been exactly where you are in terms of how I feel about my body, and I still can't say that I'm 100% comfortable "letting it all hang out". I know that there are heavier women that me who have wonderful sex lives, but I have just never liked being looked at nekkid, because I feel like it would (have to) be a real turn-off to whomever is looking. My husband is a dear, sweet man who tolerates my "lights out" policy - and besides, we're older now, so I can get away with being "too tired" because he often is, too.
BUT, you are a young woman, and have many years ahead of you, whether they're spent with your present husband, or, surprise, surprise (!) someone else altogether (I remarried five years ago, and I've got to tell you that leaving my first husband, despite the fact that I REALLY didn't want to - I thought I loved him, madly, too - was the best, most positive thing I ever did.)
MY very best advice, Good, is to get some help - some counseling - some exercises to do - that will help you with your own body image. That's NUMBER ONE - even before losing the weight. Learn to love all the good things about yourself - your pretty smile, your nice hair, your sexy feet - and stop focusing on hiding and being ashamed of what you don't like.
Don't depend on your husband to approve - or disapprove - of you. That's not his job, trust me.
I like the post that said "make him beg" once you lose all the weight, but the truth of the matter is that you don't NEED him to beg; you need, simply, to stop feeling that you're inferior, that you don't meet his standards, that you're dependent on HIS wanting you in order to feel good about yourself.
Once you feel good about yourself, he'll want you, and so won't lots of others - whether you've reached your goal weight, and have the perfect body or not, and you know what? It won't even matter to you, because you won't be measuring your own self worth against somebody else's opinions.

Ella

This is a complex issue, and it's easy to slide into male-bashing. It's true, we all feel that if you love someone, you should love them unconditionally regardless of how their looks change. That's a lovely ideal, and it is reality a lot of the time. But sometimes it's not, and that doesn't make the other person shallow by default. I would definitely call myself a feminist, but I also know that men ARE wired differently. Yes, men are visually oriented, and yes, sex is a very necessary component of a loving relationship. So, he may be feeling that he's been dealt a double-whammy.

Now, that's not to say you should be intimate if you don't want to, or that you should lose weight for him. I would never in a million years suggest that. Just try to see it from his point of view to understand why he's said what he's said. Then, think about what you want your life to be. A healthy marriage with him, sure. You can't have a healthy marriage, though, unless you are healthy -- not only physically but mentally. So, if your goal is to be the healthiest you you can be, to stop being trapped by your unhealthy body and attitude, then you're on the right track. You've gotten caught in a downward spiral, and now you have to put forth some real effort to reverse it. It's hard. No one here will tell you it's easy. You have to sometimes do things you don't want to do, and not do things you want. But it can be done, I promise. There's a lot more I could say on the topic, but briefly, you have to engage in some positive, helpful self-talk, and turn off the negative scripts running in your head. The demons that tell you you can't lose weight, that it's OK to have a piece of cake, that you can't possibly be intimate with someone because you're not skinny all need to be told repeatedly to SHUT UP, and then answered with a positive response.

To close a long rambling post, I'd recommend these things:

First, pick up a copy of Thin For Life -- you can probably get a copy at the library. This book is the "bible" of the Maintainer's group. Pay particular attention to the chapter on positive self-talk.
Second, I second the idea of counseling. Joint counseling would be great, but if he doesn't want to go, go by yourself. A third part who can help you two talk to each other and articulate your inner dialog, as well as develop strategies for working things out, will be invaluable.
Third, talk to your doctor and make sure that everything's OK hormonally, etc. Even if you'd dropped the weight immediately, it is very common for a couple's sex life to change dramatically after the birth of a child, for both psychological and physiological reasons.
Finally ... I am NOT one to be self-referential, but you might want to take a look at a post I made about a year and a half ago. This thread addresses some of the body image topics relevant here. A Lesson in Body Image

:hug: Oh hunni Im so sorry, this is the last thing you need after having a baby!
I went through the same thing after my first son was born but it was slightly different in a way that my husband didnt say he didnt love me he just found himself a younger slimmer model. No dont panic this is not what is happening to you!! Im sure but he told me that because I was ill with post nantal depression and had gained weight etc that I wouldnt let him come near me or touch me or any of the above so he was lonely and felt unwanted blah blah.... bull he didnt care that I felt terrible sore misreable and fat. At the end of the day hunni you are still the same person you were when he first met you, but now you have someone else to run after and love and he is possibly a bit jealous of this! Men get to take the easy way out but I bet if he had to sit and think about it, he would nt feel that way for long.

You need some me time so you can get your head together and concentrate on yourself just for a bit at least. Have you spoken to your doctor? They maybe able to help, mine was an absoulute rock to me. Had he not been there I dont know what I would have done.

We are still together and have another wee boy, this happened 6 years ago now and let me tell you he is very very sorry for the way he treated me and so I remind him often that he is the lucky one not me hehe!
chin up hunni I hope you can get through this horrible time

Just a clarification here--in response to funniegrrl--desiring someone sexually and loving them are not the same thing in my book. Love has a lot of meanings and is more complex, although without the sexual component it's a different kind of love. If he meant he doesn't feel sexually attracted to you, that's one thing. If he really means he doesn't love you, then... well...

I don't think I said anything that's male bashing. It would work the same if the shoe were on the other foot... so to speak... ;)

He could be confused about how he is feeling. Do look into couples counseling.

Jay

I didn't say anyone was male-bashing, I just wanted to point out that discussions like this can sometimes degenerate to this. I also didn't say that desire and love were the same thing. Of course you can love someone and not desire them. BUT, for men, sex is very important component of love, and taking that away when it had been there before can be detrimental to the point they believe the love is gone. Especially, as others have pointed out, he is feeling rejected and unloved himself. All of that to say the same thing you did ... his feelings are probably all roiled up and confused, and counseling would help him see what's going on in her head, and to sort out his own reactions.

I'm gonna sound like a broken record again but ... what did he say?
"Wife, I do not love you anymore. I am not attracted to you.I've been plenty patient, our son is now 15 months old and you have not lost a single pound since he was 3 months old."
Is that what he said or is that what you heard? Be very careful to clarify conversations like this. Men do not communicate like we do.

I've been there. My husband and I separated for awhile because of a similar issue. You cannot take this all on yourself! You both need to go to counseling. If he won't go, then you need to go by yourself. You can't lose weight to please someone else, it just doesn't work. (I know this!!!) It has to be something that you do for yourself.
He's being hurtful right now and my husband did the same thing. But after talking it out and trying to look deeper into the issues, a lot of our marriage problems came down to the amount of time that you must spend with your children versus the amount of time you have to be a couple. It is a huge adjustment and it takes a lot of giving on both sides. You might be making my mistake in that you do everything for this child, but you don't take time for yourself. Just a thought, he needs to commit to giving you the time to exercise, read, relax, whatever to set your mind at ease. Time is so valuable and you need the focus to remember how important you are!!!
Hang in there. I understand the pain you are feeling. It is just unbearable. But, keep posting. I know everyone is here for you.

I agree with SusanB!!! - Men DO NOT communicate like women do.

Men "make love" to show love - it's how they like to share love.

Women "make love" to be loved. Two very different meanings behind the same act, and yet, produces the same results!

It sounds to me like you are not ready to commit to weight loss. Believe me, when you're ready - you'll do it. And you can't do it for your husband, or even for your marriage - you have to do it for you, or it won't work.

If your husband doesn't love you because you haven't lost weight, then he is not worth having. You're better off alone, trust me.

But if he's fed up with other things (and this would be my guess) and it came out in anger about your weight, then your marriage isn't over.

You must get some professional counseling. You need a "referee" to discern each other's words until you can learn to do that for yourselves.

Save the marriage first - think about the weight loss second. That doesn't mean you have to do one & not the other - it just means that priorities should be set. This goes for your husband as much as yourself.

Things you can do together that would be helpful for both might include putting your 3 year old in a stroller & taking a long walk together. You can talk & walk, & that's good for the marriage & the weight.

You know - This is a good place for diet support - but I'm not sure if we have any marriage counselors here. Altho we probably do! And just remember - you are not alone. Plenty of us have been where you are standing right now. My first husband told me he would always love me BUT "just don't ever get fat." :?: :sp: :fr: He was used to me being the itty bitty skinny minny I was during my late teens & early 20's. But in my mid-20's, out of college & just getting started in life... I started to put on weight. Not much (at first)... just about 10 or 15 pounds or so. But I lost them... plus another 20 when we divorced :o

Still - his words really stung me! - so I know how you feel. Please keep coming here & let us know how you're doing. It's amazing how people you've never met before can care so much!

After reading this posts, I really felt we needed a male voice on this issue. So I called up my best guy friend who I had a relationship with for 2 years (We split for the simple reason that he wanted to go out west, and we're still best friends) and asked him what he thought. I don't have his exact words, but he seems to think that sometimes men find that when they aren't getting what they need in a relationship, instead of asking for it or telling their SO (Sig. other), they simply harbor it and get more and more frustrated. Then they snap and decide they want out of the relationship. My male buddy says it may or may not be the weight that your hubby is frustrated with, and he could be using it as an excuse to get out. My friend suggests that you simply ask your husband what he wants from you; if he says he wants you out of his life, then that's what he wants.
Sorry for the tough love! But I wish you luck in loving yourself, because that's the most important kind of love one can have.

Don't give up
 

I believe Shakespeare said it best:

"Let me not to the marriage of true minds
Admit impediments; Love is not love
Which alters when it alteration finds,
Or bends with the remover to remove.

O no, it is an ever-fixed mark
That looks on tempests and is never shaken;
It is the star to every wand'ring bark,
Whose worth's unknown, although his height be taken.

Love's not Time's fool, though rosy lips and cheeks
Within his bending sickle's compass come,
Love alters not with his brief hours and weeks,
But bears it out even to the edge of doom:

If this be error and upon me proved,
I never writ, nor no man ever loved."

-- Wm. Shakespeare, Sonnet #116.

Don't give up on yourself or your marriage. You were in love with each other once before, you can be again. Or at least, you can work through the problems together.

ABOVE ALL ELSE: Lose the weight for yourself, not to make someone love you. Love yourself for who you are on the inside, not the outside.

Best of luck to you. You deserve all good things life and love have to offer.

Thank you all so much. The support I am getting from you all is beautiful and I never expected it. I am truely blessed to have found this site.
I can't believe I'm putting this on the internet but I thought I would answer some question about the sex. I like it a lot! I like it almost everyday. When I said I wouldn't let him touch me I meant he complained that if he touched certain parts of me (my stomach or my waist mostly) I would throw his hands away. There were other parts he was more than welcome to touch....He has been turning me down for probably a good 3 weeks.
We had a lot of conversation today and he just told me he is tired of me being lazy and not taking care of the house like I promised (I'm a stay at home mom) and he says the sex is not enjoyable for him anymore. Without saying too much, I tried to accomadate the best I knew how which I thought was pretty good, but he said he can't handle my low self esteem and when I tell him "oh don't look at me I'm fat" I guess I finally convinced him I was.
We had a good talk. He just doesn't desire me anymore. When that is gone what do you do? I couldn't imagine what it would be like for me if I was unattracted to him. Would be hard to get cozy. I guess. I just didn't try hard enough to lose the weight. And I'm not comfortable in my own skin. It is my fault. He said he enjoys my friendship most of the time but I'm bad at being a stay at home mom. He is also feeling over-burdened by having to bring in all the money.
Thank you all. I REALLY appreciate you!

I honestly, honestly think that if you can talk that well ... you can talk this through. Since you both seem to see areas where you both can change and grow ....

You and he definitely need counseling. It is not ALL your fault. Yes, you have a share of the responsibility for the problems in your marriage, and also a share of the responsibility in repairing them. If you didn't have a child, and one or both of you didn't want to put forth the effort to rebuild the relationship, you'd have every right to do so, but with a child, you both have a responsibility to at least attempt to rebuild your relationship.
You said "when that is gone, what are you going to do?" That implies that once intimacy is gone, it can't be rekindled. That is far from the truth.

I have a master's degree in psychology, and when my husband and I decided to marry, I told him I expected to fall in and out of love with him many times. And that included feeling attracted to him. So far, we've been very fortunate that the "I don't like you right now's," have been very short lived, but we've only been married four years.

It sounds a lot like you are having symptoms of depression. Depression makes it very difficult to get things accomplished, feel attractive, and motivated for even the simplest of tasks. This can leave your husband feeling overburdened, and as though he has lost you, but this is something that you both can work on, especially if you seek professional help, and are willing to share the responsibility and work of rebuilding your relationship.

Don't beat yourself up, but get help. If your husband refused to go with you, then go alone. The weight loss is the least of your problems right now.

Its hard being a stay at home mom, I remember after my dd was born how alone I felt. Add in our youth and lack of money and it was very difficult! (not saying these are your problems, precisely, but they are common to young families) Try to keep in mind that both you and your husband are defining and redefining yourselves......girlfriend, wife, mother, boyfriend, husband, father, sole provider.......and that is a learning process. Some of your problems will work themselves out with time and maturity.

As far as weightloss, well, I think that will solve some of your problems. with weightloss you will have more energy and focus to devote to the home, child and yourself. As Dr Oz says, don't wait to get motivated to lose weight, when the weight starts coming off you will then be motivated to keep it up!

Good luck, and counseling would be a good thing too :hug:

I guess I disagree that weightloss will solve any of the primary problems here (not that it is helping). In fact, as difficult as weight loss was before you were aware of the problems' severity, it is going to be doubly difficult now. That doesn't mean you should abandon all efforts to eat healthy food in moderation and exercise (both will help you deal with stress), but focusing on weight loss right now as your main goal, puts the emphasis on the wrong problem. Weight loss will not solve your problems, working on your problems will create an environment where weight loss will be more doable.

You don't vaccuum the carpets when the house is on fire.

I think that when you get healthy everything else will fall into place. You should read a book by Michael E. Platt, MD It's called the miracle of bio-identical hormones. It sounds boring but it is so good. When you have are pregnant your body produces lots of progesterone and then afterwards there is a huge drop. (many woman experience post pardom depression after childbirth) but when your not eating right and doing the right things it causes weight gain and depression. You don't feel like doing every day things. But when you read this book you'll realize that it ISN'T YOUR FAULT. You can manage this easily if you have the knowledge. I found that sugar is deadly for me. This is why I feel my weightloss has been so good. I've cut out the sugar and I eat protein often. I'm not taking any bio-identical hormones but i'm healing myself with nutrition right now. I do plan on getting tested to find out what my body is lacking in. But for now I feel much better. I have more energy and I feel better about myself although I've only lost 13 pounds and still need to lose 60. I feel more beautiful. I've been wearing makeup and doing my hair. Dressing like I care about myself. And it's having that snowball effect. :) You can do this. And even if your hubby doesn't come around right away. He definately will when you start having a better outlook. ;)

Tina

I think that is very wise marriage advice. Love is a very fickle thing. You can fall in & out of love so many times... even in the same relationship. I went thru a period of about 3 years when I thought I was just "done" with my marriage. But I kept with it; the commitment that is! - and soon I rediscovered a passion for my husband that I thought was gone for good.

And sometimes, a little passion can go a long, long way! ;)

Just an update for those who care. My marriage is not in trouble, it is over. After the worst 3 days of my life, the truth finally came out. He is not a family man. He cannot handle the reposiblity of it all. Having the baby made it worse. He could not be as selfish. He loves me and the baby to death. He just can't handle being married. He couldn't figure out why and blamed me entirely. No, he never cheated or had any desire to. While I am not inoccent, ( I could have done a better job with the stay at home thing and the low self-esteem) I am not the main problem. No matter what I did, I don't think it would have lasted that much longer. He is just not built right, yet. Maybe if he ever comes around, me and my buns of steel ( cuz oh yeah baby the fat is comin off!!) may be willing to give it another shot. I do love him with every fiber of my being, but I cannot make him what he is not. I still hurt very badly. Feel for my baby boy. I do take a little comfort in knowing I could neither have forseen this nor avoided it. He didn't even know. I hope he finds peace. I hope I do to. Who knows what is in the future but I am ready to be me again. Me before the post-pardom, before the mentally unstable pregnancy. Me - when my husband and I met.

(((HUGS))) I hope you're able to find peace with this, and that things work out eventually how you want them to.

Hopfully he will come to his senses. Although the "just not being a family man," is a bunch of crap, whether he realizes it now or not. He may think he loves you and the baby (just obviously not as much as himself) but when we love people (love is a a verb - an action, not just a feeling) it means that we make sacrifices for them. It is unfortunate - mostly for him, because he will be the one missing out the most in the long run, and he may never realize it, or do so too late.

Just as you may be suffering from post-partem depression, he may be suffering from depression as well. I don't think you or he should determine whether or not he can (or should try to) change, until counseling is at least attempted, but he may not be willing to go, at least not if reconciliating is on the table as a primary goal.

If I were in your place (I have a master's degree in psychology and have done a fair amount of counseling, so I'm not just pulling this from the air), I would ask him to enter counseling with you so that you can work out the details of the split (custody, visitation, splitting assets and bills, spousal support...) as fairly and as conflict free as possible. I would also change the sleeping arrangements immediately. I don't know if you have more than one bedroom in the house, but now you do - even if his bedroom is the sofa. It's probably not feasible for one of you to move out at this time, and I sure hope he realizes that, and doesn't intend to strand you until you can get on your feet, or at least that you have family you can turn to to take you in, if he does.

The biggest thing he has to realize is that if he can't handle the responsibilities now, he's in big trouble, because the responsibilities of divorced parents individually, is much bigger than the responsibilities of each parent when they are together. It's too late to decide that he can't handle the responsibility, because society - it's people and the law - says the responsibility is his whether he wants it or not.

Good Luck and God Bless!