Just sharing a bad memory...
 

I was just reading the Secret Goals post, and all of the women saying they wanted their boyfriends to be able to pick them up reminded me of an incident that still makes me mad...
The last boyfriend I had before I got married was kind of a dumb jerk. I hurt my back trying to take out the trash one day, and I got stuck laying down on the floor. It took me a while to even get to the floor, and once I was there, there was no way I could get back up. I was even in too much pain to scoot myself from the kitchen to the living room. I tried, because the tile in the kitchen was cold. I had my phone in my pocket, so I called him to ask if he could help me. He was at work, but it was his business, so he could have left. He made some mildly sympathetic noises at me, and left me laying on the floor til he got home four hours later.
I was really, really hurt by that, and I brought it up a couple of times in the months that followed. One day he said (and mind you, this was his idea of an apology,) that he could see why that hurt my feelings, cause if he imagined me as one of those "tiny girls who might break" he could understand why leaving me on the floor was a bad thing, but he said he always assumed I was strong and could take care of myself because I was a "big girl." He said that he knew that had nothing to do with it, and that it was obviously a dumb perception.
There were so many things wrong with that that I don't even know where to begin. First of all, I can, and do, take care of myself, and would even if I were very thin. Second of all, and most importantly.. He left me laying on the floor alone because I was FAT???? I did get rid of that guy shortly thereafter.

But what I want is for people to look at me like I matter, and like it or not, that happens a lot less often at this weight than it did when I was thin. People even treated me like I was smarter when I was thin. I'm not sure how I lost so many IQ points in the process of gaining weight, but the ideas I have are not taken as seriously anymore.

And actually, that's been one of the barriers to me starting to lose weight. Sometimes I think, If people can't love me and treat me like a human being at this weight, that means that they will not MEAN it when I am thin. It's just based on how I look, and nothing more. Sometimes I think that if I stay fat, I will know who really likes me for who I am, and not just how I look. I try to remind myself lately that how I look is part of who I am, but my emotions balk at the whole concept. I know I have to do this for me, and for my health, but I actually think that I will get mad when I am thin and people start to pay attention to me.

I hate the way I look.... If it wasnt for my extra stone of weight I would still hate the way I look....

Reality check here...

You have no control over how other people see you or think of you.

You will encounter people who are more enlightened and see you as the wonderful human being you are, and those who go through life judging everything on the surface. What's more, some people will not like you no matter what you do, whether you are overweight or underweight.

This is just how it is, and it's maddening when it means you don't get listened to. On the other hand, it is hard for women to get their ideas listened to, regardless. That doesn't mean we shouldn't keep trying! That doesn't mean we can't have a good life!

I'm making these weight loss efforts for me--not parents, not boyfriends or girlfriends, no one else. They can like it or not!

Keep going! Don't give up!

Jay

I have known two intelligent adults in my life who were raised in families that value fitness and appearance so highly that they taught their children that fat people were mentally and morally deficient. One of these adults married the thinnest member of our round-bodied family, and in the process of getting to know us found his shame for holding such beliefs. I once had a boyfriend who told me he would marry me if I would just lose weight. I didn't bother to point out to him that he was actually attracted to me at my high weight, or he wouldn't have been with me long enough to consider marriage. It just made more sense to dump him. I try to keep in mind that there are cultures on this planet that find largeness to be a sign of beauty!

JayEll is right, you cannot control people's perceptions of you (and that guy was an incredible jerk). People make judgments about other people all the time, and some people will judge you when you're slim, others will judge you when you're overweight and some will judge you based on your height or hair color. Don't fuss about it.

But about your IQ points claim, I've found that people take me LESS seriously when I'm slim (I'm in academia and attractive people are suspected for being frivolous) and more seriously when I'm more substantial. There might be a critical mass element to this--I've never been obese, and I suspect that obese people are interpreted differently than overweight people--but different people are going to make different assumptions about your intelligence no matter what your weight is.

Just go your own way, chica and focus on cultivating your own high opinion of yourself. Confidence is always smart and sexy :)

You're all right, of course. It's good to have somewhere to go for a reality check and new perspectives though. And even more than that, where somebody understands what I'm saying. I've been all morbid and depressed for a couple of weeks due to events in my life. I'm not always. Whenever I recover, you'll get to meet the happy me. :) Thanks for the replies. I like it when I check and people have replied.

Well, first of all, I want to say, good for you for dumping that jerk! You deserve better, not a guy who will leave you at home and injured and refuse come home to help you becuase you are not small.... what an a**hole!!! I mean, if that's the way he felt, why was he with a "big girl" in the first place? (no offense) It's a form of hypocricy when a prejudiced person pairs up with a person they are prejudice against, right... makes no sense at all...

You know, I know you are down about your weight and all, and you think that nobody can love you like this. But you know, not everybody who looks at you or I, sees fat and ugly. Some people will love people like us for who we are. I know I am a good person. I can be a real witch at times, yes, but I have a good heart, and I love and care about others, even when they don't deserve it. But most of all, and this is the most difficult things I have had to learn to do, but I have had to learn how to love myself first. For the longest time, I felt so unworthy of anyone loving me, and somedays I still feel that a little. But, it took me a long time to realise that "I love me", and that is enough to make me want this weight loss, for nobody other than me... and for my health. This will be my gift to myself. Hopefully, you also can learn to love yourself and give yourself the same gift, great health and a great appearance...

And to those who want to look at me and judge me on my appearance, and hate me because of it, I have nothing for them, nothing at all. They can kiss me where the sun don't shine! They are miserable people who are ugly on the inside (some are ugly on the outside too), and all the love and goodness I have inside of me makes me better than them, no matter how much better they look than me.. They are losers, and they are ugly people, and I can lose weight and fix my flaws, but they will never be able to fix their flaws... they will always be ugly and hateful. But, we have a chance to be better than that, to be healthy and happy and free of hatred and prejudice.... We are better.

Jessica, I am so glad that you aren't with that Jerk anymore. He was bringing you down. Lose the weight if you want for you and you ONLY. Don't let this tear you up, because then that Jerk wins. One of my proudest things now is to remember how cruel my son's father was to me. How he wanted me to never be over 150 and all I did was stress and gain more weight. He wanted a trophy wife and he got one. She's twice my size now and he better add some more studs to the wall if he wants to mount that trophy. LOL. (I am never intentionally cruel about anyone's weight issues, as I have suffered with Obesity for years. But, she did sleep with my man while I was 9 months pregnant, so I deserve to bash this one).

"...he better add some more studs to the wall if he wants to mount that trophy. LOL."

:lol: :lol: :lol: And I must say "mount that trophy" conjures up another interesting picture... :yikes:

Tell ya what, Lily, I'll hold 'em and you swing!

Jay

Oh, what a nasty man!!! Leave you alone, in a situation like that? Grr! Hey, good for you for loving yourself enough to dump him, and take better care of you. :)

I've also have had those kinds of thoughts, I've always been fat, and I've never have a really serious relationship, and I always think that if I loose the weight (wich I'm doing anyway) and then someone gets interested in me, I'll think he just wants to be with me for how I look and not who I am.. X_x

But still I don't care that much about it now and I'm very enthusiastic about loosing my overweight, just for me and my health

I can't believe I am telling anyone this, but here goes. I topped the scales in college at 205, yet I went out a lot and had lots of fun with my skinny friends. I stopped for a while when the following happened at the end of my freshman year.

I went to a frat party, and was TOLD (not asked) by a very drunk senior that he had never had "piggy sex" before, and that I would be accompanying him to his room that night so he could "join his brothers in whale riding."

I got so mad that I couldn't see, and I sure couldn't speak. I left, and I cried for days. I never told anyone about this, but I spread a vicious rumor about him and his penis size, which I had never seen but I am sure I was right when I called it teeny tiny timmy. My friends knew he had said something awful, (not exact, I was too embarrassed) and they were more than happy to help spread the rumor. He looked miserable for a long time, and I was happy. But I will never ever forget that night. He really did take a piece of my innocence away, you know? I was fat, yes, but happy. Not after that...

Gosh, I'm so sorry, JaimePhan--had it been me instead of you, I'm afraid that in my "drunken state" I might have tripped, and alas, as I started to fall my knee would have hit him somewhere teeny... ;) It's terrible the accidents that happen.

Jay