[luvtolose728]

I'm sorry sweetheart!

I dated a guy for a year who said he wouldn't call me his girlfriend because I was overweight. He wouldn't introduce me to his family, and the only reason I met his best friend, was because I worked with his best friend.

We ended up not dating, not even talking. We recently just started talking after a year of not. Within the year of me ignoring him, he apologzied and missed me and that he should have called me his gf all along...

Well anyways, we've been talking and the truth is finally coming out. He wasn't embarrassed by my weight! He loves chubby girls, however, he is to worried about the opinion of others and trying to impress them.. especially since California is the type of state where size is all that matters it seems.

Keep losing that weight, and I really hope things work out for you, whatever the decision you come to may be.

[Extasee58865]

Sometimes, and I dont know why, I think men say things that they know are mean, to help boost your enthusiasm. I don't think they realize that they are being hurtful... It's their own twisted way of supporting you in your effort. I guess they think if you think that your husband thinks that way about you, it will make you more determined to succeed in your weight loss. I seriously need to re-think your relationship with your husband. A loving, supportive husband should NEVER say such things to his wife. You def need to discuss how you feel with him & let him know his behavior was totally not appropriate...

[dawnie89]

My dad used to tell me I was fat as a child and as a young teenager. Looking back at old photos now I realise that I really wasn't, I just wasn't skinny like my sister. Because I believed my dad I convinced myself that it didn't matter what I ate, and ended up putting on a LOT of weight - eventually proving him right. It was so tactless of him and, although ultimately the fault is mine for eating so much, without his unhelpful (and untrue) comments I might not have had a complex about food for my whole life.
I really don't think men mean to be so hurtful, it's just that many of them were born without tact or diplomacy. Idiots!

[Puccikat]

Thanks PhatPhoenix! I am just trying to take it one day at a time, getting healthy and getting over him! Our exes have a lot in common, they can't seem to get over thier glorious and exaggerated past lives lol! Somebody commented on husbands/boyfriends tyring to give advice but coming off as complete asses. I'm sure my ex was trying to help, but the major thing that bugged me was that this guy was not affectionate towards me at all and did not want to publicily agnowledge me as his gf. He was treating me horribly b/c I am overweight. If a guy wants to give advice he can go right ahead, but don't only love someone because of thier looks. Is that really love? Now that I think about it, maybe thats all guys really care about, having a gf with a hot bod!

[Michelle98272]

My EX did. Notice he's my EX.
My current bf wouldn't dare! He's a big guy too PLUSE he loves me inside and out. :-)

[kaebea]

I never had a boyfriend criticize my weight, but when i was younger, from the ages of like 10-13ish, my mom would make really mean comments. come to think of it my grandfather would too. The minute we'd walk in the door when visiting, he'd greet me like "Hi fatty" in a mean way. I just wanted to die.

I think that the people we love who do this think they are helping us. Like if they make us feel so bad, we will just up and loose the weight. As if we were just getting fat on purpose or something....

what people don't realize is that by cutting down our self esteem and making us feel unloved, or only loved with conditions, they are making things worse.

[mystyblue85]

My husband has never called me fat nor hinted that I am fat or need to lose weight, but if I ask him what he thinks about my body, he will tell me that I just need to lose my "belly" (before I had kids my belly was a lot flatter). He actually loves the rest of me "supersized", especially the boobs and "rear end" lol
But my dad always used to call me fat or piggy or sasquatch or tell me that I'm "blobbing". He always laughed at me and kissed my forehead when he said it, like it was a universal joke or something, but it hurt so bad.
Then I gained 100lbs.
He stopped calling me fat and just stares at me sometimes...
I dont know which is worse.

[Puccikat]

Kaebea, "loved with condtions" <---- thats exactly how it feels.....

[KittyKat]

I know how you feel. I've had the same done to me pretty much.

Been with my bf 4 years and after about a year and a half he started making comments about my weight (I had only gained about 7lbs... max 14lbs).

We'd (for some reason...) start talking about weight and diets and hee used to say things like "you could do with losing some weight" or "you do need to lose some weight".

We were watching some program on TV about diets. This lady was looking into surgery... and then he just came out with a comment about me needing to lose weight.

Ever since then he's made digs about my weight. If I was eating something unhealthy he would say "you shouldn't eat that, it makes you fat".

He'd also keep asking whether I had been to the gym lately or not, he was checking up to see if I was actually trying to lose weight or not.

I know he has an issue with my weight. I know he gets embarrased of me... I can sense it. The atmosphere is too thick not to. It's really upsetting. I mean, I was only a stone lighter when we first met... surely 1 stone cannot make someone go off you that much? If he didn't like my weight then why was he attracted to me in the first place? I wasn't slim then either.

He makes me angry. He knocks my confidence big time, I have problems with it any way and I don't need my own bf adding to it! He should be the one person supporting me and making me feel beautiful. Why is he with me if my weight disgusts him that much? why doesn't he just end the relationship... it doesn't make sense to me.

He also insults me about other things. My nose, my hair, my bum and so on. I don't know why he does it. He says he doesn't like the fact I have low confidence and wants me to get better... but he's the one knocking it? How on earth am I meant to get more confident in myself when he keeps insulting me?

My mum tells me he does it because he has his own insecurities. She also says he is saying it to keep me in my place. So that I wont be confident to run off with someone else. To keep me down there... if you know what I mean.

[beerab]

Do you ever say anything to him KK? I mean is he a perfect 10 who goes to the gym every day for an hour?

I'd tell him lay off!

[Puccikat]

Hey KittyKat,
I don't really have much to say, I completly understand what you are going through. But I'd have to agree with your mom.....

[kaebea]

I honestly, if i were in a relationship with someone who made the kind of comments listed here, i'd break up with him.

then i'd lose weight.

I know i'd never feel happy with someone who only loved and supported me if i looked a certain way.

I also am curious what the boyfriends/husbands who are making these comments look like themselves?

[dutchgirl]

Hi KittyKat,
Your mom is right on! somewhere in his mind your BF knows you're too good for him, so he has to cut you down to size. And if the issue isn't your weight, it will be something else.
My ex used to do the same to me. he even called me a fat pig once - loudly, in the supermarket in front of the whole neighborhood. That hurt.
And if it wasn't my weight he complained about, it was my dress style, my housekeeping, you name it, he could find fault with it.
The best thing I ever did for myself was walk away from that marriage!
My current BF thinks I am the most gorgeous thing on 2 feet regardless of what I weigh. He is encouraging when I say I want to lose weight, but has made it very clear that I am doing this for me, because he loves me no matter what.

Oh, and I forgot to tell you, I haven't seen or spoken to my ex in years, but my sister occasionally talks to him - the best bit is that he has gotten very fat and very bald in the last few years. There is such a thing as KARMA

[JoyfulVegGirl]

Originally Posted by dutchgirl

Hi KittyKat,
Your mom is right on! somewhere in his mind your BF knows you're too good for him, so he has to cut you down to size. And if the issue isn't your weight, it will be something else.

This is so true.

Originally Posted by waiting2exhale

Me and my boyfriend got in a fight before and he lashed out and said i am so fat and gaining weight by the minute ! That was2 months ago and it made me so upset! Never had someone put me down like he does, so i started my diet then. when i get to my goal i am gonna rub it in his face so bad, dump him and show him i can have men 10 times better than him!

Dump him NOW. Then lose the weight It really sounds like he has no idea how to communicate when he's upset, and instead lashes out in an immature way.

Who knows why people do the things they do? I went through this situation with my boyfriend of 3 years. He is now currently my ex, although we are still close friends. The thing is, he did have a bit of a point because I was overweight and needed to lose it, but it was the WAY he said it. He said that he was never attracted to me, that he was tempted to cheat because of my weight, just really mean and UNTRUE statements meant to be controlling and hurtful.

Honestly, delivery is everything when it comes to something like this. There's a big difference between lovingly telling someone you're worried about their health and insulting someone or deliberatly making them feel insecure. The first might be embarrassing but it is meant to be kind, and the second is counter-productive, controlling and damaging.

You need to learn to love yourself and lose weight for you, but how are you supposed to do that when you are being cut down, belittled and judged by the very person meant to support and help you?

The bottom line is that you need to tell them that saying things like that is counter-productive, and that you're trying to build your self esteem and take positive steps to be healthier. They can be supportive (and be specific about what would be considered supportive to you. You don't need to create a diet police situation) or they can keep their comments to themselves. Draw those lines. If they keep doing it then they choose to be insulting, and in order for a relationship to last there has to be a level of mutual respect. If you're not getting that then you can do better, and you're not doing anyone any favors by staying in that situation or putting up with it.

[LadybirdnFalcon]

I have to admit, that I walked out of a relationship with a guy who criticized my weight. The guy that I am seeing now thinks that I am beautiful, no matter what size I am. All he want's: "Is for me to be happy with myself and know that he digs me for who I am."

As far as a guy jerking you around about your weight or other features, he is just trying to control you. You don't need a guy like that! Hit the floor running and don't look back. He wants to keep you feeling down and under his thumb, so that you won't be tempted to leave him.

My sister was married to a guy that would go out of his way to sabotage her diet every step of the way. The junk food and other goodies that she could not resist. It wasn't until she left him, that she was able to be happy and move on with her life. Take my advise: "Ditch the jerk and find someone else who will treat you better."

Married or not, no guy should act like that much of a creep! I have little patients for guys who treat women like that. That was so shallow and immature. You definitely deserve better.