Women prefer the simple things in life...like men.
Boy will be boys but one day all girls will be women.
I only wanted to have a child, not marry one.
The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about
nothing and then marry him.
What's the difference between men and pigs?...Pigs don't turn
into men when they drink.
The average man is proof enough that women can take a joke.
Boys will be boys, but men are better at it.
What do you call a man who has lost 98% of his brain?...A
widower.
They put one man on the moon. Why can't they put them all there?
What's an orgasm, Mom? I don't know...ask your father.
If you catch a man...throw him back.
Men call us birds, is that because of all the worms we pick up?
What is the useless bit of skin on a penis?...A man

A salesman decides to give up the tough life and retire. However, soon he gets bored and decides to take to the country in search of new challenges. He comes across a farm and thinks "Maybe they can give me a job to keep me occupied for a while". He talks to the farmer, explains that he'd like to help out, and the farmer, after a short think says:
"See that tractor with the trailor full of manure? I need you to spray the fields with it. I'll come back in a couple of hours and see how you're doing."

The farmer comes back after a couple of hours and sees the salesman sitting under a tree dozing. The farmer says "What, finished already?" and the salesman points to the fields, well sprayed with manure. So, the farmer, thinking about what other jobs he needs doing, says:

"See that pile of potatoes over there? I want you to sort out the big ones in one pile, the small ones in another pile. See you in a couple of hours."

After 2 hours, the farmer comes back to see how it's going. The salesman is standing there, one potato in one hand, another potato in the other hand, and a very puzzled expression on his face. The rest of the potatoes still in one big pile.

The farmer says "I can't believe that you took only two hours to spray the fields, and yet you haven't even started on the potatoes, what's the problem?"

The salesman says: "When it comes to spreading round the ****, I'm your man, but don't ask me to take a decision".

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A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a woman below. He descended a bit more and shouted, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."

The woman below replied, "You're in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above ground. You're between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude."

"You must be an engineer," said the balloonist. "I am," replied the woman, "How did you know?" "Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you've told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is, I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help at all. If anything, you've delayed my trip."

The woman below responded, "You must be in management." "I am," responded the balloonist, "But how did you know?" "Well," said the woman, "You don't know where you are or where you're going; you have risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You've made a promise which you've no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault."

James Bond walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive
woman. He gives her a quick glance, then casually looks at his watch for a
moment.
The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"
"No", he replies, "Q's just given me this state-of-the-art watch and I was
just testing it."
Intrigued woman asks, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special
about it?"
Bond explains, "It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically."
The lady says, "What's it telling you now?
"Well, it says you're not wearing any panties"
The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken, because I am
wearing panties!"
Bond tuts, taps his watch and says, "Damn thing's an hour fast..."

WOMEN

A woman is honest, loyal, and forgiving. Smart, knowing that
knowledge is power. But she still knows how to use her softer side to make a point.

Women want the best for their family, their friends, and themselves.
Their hearts break when a friend dies. They have sorrow at the loss
of a family member, yet they are strong when they think there is no
strength left.

A woman can make a romantic evening unforgettable. They drive, fly,
walk, run or email you to show how much they care about you. The
heart of a woman is what makes the world spin.

Women do more than give birth. They bring joy and hope. They give
compassion and ideals. They give moral support to their family and
friends. And all they want back is a hug, a smile and for you to do
the same to people you come into contact with.



MEN

Men are good at lifting heavy stuff, killing spiders, and wanking.

Two tourists were driving through Wales.

As they were approaching the village of ...
Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysilio gogogoch, they
started arguing about the pronunciation of the town's name.

They argued back and forth until they stopped for lunch.

As they stood at the counter of the fast food restaurant one of the tourists asked the Welsh, blonde employee, ......
"Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are ... very slowly?"
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
The girl leaned over the counter and said.....
"Buuurrrrrrrrrr ...... gerrrrrrrrrrr.....Kiiiiiiiiing.

Children in the back seat of the car cause accidents.
Accidents in the back seat of the car cause children.

Reasons why Cookie Dough Is Better Than A Man!
*It's enjoyable hard or soft.
*It makes a mess too, but it tastes better.
*You always want to swallow.
*It won't complain if you share it with friends.
*It's "quick and convenient."
*You can enjoy it more than once.
*It comes already protectively wrapped.
*You can make it as large as you want.
*If you don't finish it you can save it for later.
*It's easier to get the kind you want.
*You can comparison shop.
*It's easier to find in a grocery store.
*You can put it away when you've had enough.
*You know yours has never been eaten before.
*It won't complain if you chew on it.
*You can return it--satisfaction is guaranteed.
*It's always ready to go.
*You won't get arrested if you eat it in public.
*You don't have to change the sheets if you eat it in bed.
*It won't wake you up because it's hard.
*You don't have to find an excuse not to eat it.
*You can tell your friends how much you've eaten without sounding like you're bragging.
*It won't take up room in your bed.
*It's easy to pick up.
*It won't get jealous if you pick up another one.
*It never has an insecurity problem with its size.

SARAH I GET LOADS OF JOKES AND FUNNY PICS OR GROSS PICS TOO IN MY EMAIL EVERYDAY, BUT THIS ONE JUST SCREAMED CAROLS BOSS AT ME

I want to see gross pics! Im [email protected] if anyone has any OR WANT TO TALK TO ME ON MSN!! BPB did send me gross tattoo one once YUCK!

The Heart of a Woman



By the time the Lord made woman, He was into his Sixth day of working
overtime.
An Angel appeared and said, "Why are you spending so much time on this
one?"

And the Lord answered and said, "Have you seen the spec sheet on her?
She has to be completely washable, but not plastic, have 200 movable
parts, all replaceable, run on black coffee and leftovers, have a lap
that can hold two children at one time and that disappears when she
stands up, have a kiss that can cure anything from a scraped knee to a
broken heart, and have six pairs of hands."
The Angel was astounded at the requirements for this one.
"Six pairs of hands! No Way!" said the Angel.
The Lord replied, "Oh, it's not the hands that are the problem. It's
the three pairs of eyes that mothers must have! And that's just on the
standard model"
The Angel asked about the three pairs of eyes.

The Lord nodded. "Yep, one pair of eyes are to see through the closed
door as she asks her children what they are doing even though she
;already knows. Another pair in the back of her head are to see what
she needs to know even though no one thinks she can. And the third
pair are here in the front of her head. They are for looking at an
errant child and saying that she understands and loves him or her
without even saying a single word."

The Angel tried to stop the Lord. "This is too much work for one day,
wait until tomorrow to finish."

"But I can't!" The Lord protested, "I am so close to finishing this
creation that is so close to my own heart. She already heals herself
when she is sick AND can feed a family on a pound of hamburger and can
get a nine year old to stand in the shower."

The Angel moved closer and touched the woman, "But you have made her
so soft, Lord."

"She is soft," The Lord agreed, "but I have also made her tough. You
have no idea what she can endure or accomplish."

"Will she be able to think?" asked the Angel. The Lord replied, "Not
only will she be able to think, she will be able to reason and negotiate."

The Angel then noticed something and reached out and touched the
woman's cheek. "Oops, it looks like you have a leak with this model. I
told you that you were trying to put too much into this one." "That's
not a leak," The Lord objected, "That's a tear!"
"What's the tear for?" the Angel asked.
The Lord said, "The tear is her way of expressing her joy, her sorrow,
her pain, her disappointment, her loneliness, her grief, and her
pride."
The Angel was impressed. "You are a genius, Lord. You thought of
everything, for women are truly amazing."

Women have strengths that amaze men. They carry children, they carry
hardships, they carry burdens but they hold happiness, love and joy.
They smile when they want to scream. They sing when they want to cry.
They cry when they are happy and laugh when they are nervous. They
fight for what they believe in. They stand up for injustice. They
don't take "no" for an answer when they believe there is a better
solution.

They go without new shoes so their children can have them. They go to
the doctor with a frightened friend. They love unconditionally. They
cry when their children excel and cheer when their friends get awards.
Their hearts break when a friend dies. They have sorrow at the loss of
a family member, yet they are strong when they think there is no
strength left. They know that a hug and a kiss can heal a broken
heart.

Women come in all sizes, in all colors and shapes. They'll drive, fly,
walk, run or e-mail you to show how much they care about you. The
heart of a woman is what makes the world spin!

Women do more than give birth. They bring joy and hope. They give
compassion and ideals. Women have a lot to say and a lot to give.

Thanks for the emails Flumper (she sent me a load of smut everybody)

THAT WAS THE TAME ONES VEGGIE......BREAK YOU IN SLOWLY TO THEM

Better not open them when Im on placement at court then

please send em to me too, i need a smile putting on my face, I am very broad minded,come to think of it I am pretty broad everywhere!!