the madness of it all. . . .
 

Hello people. Sorry to be silent. Things have just been insane with me again and I've lost my bearings. It seems like recently I seem to be able to walk the straight and narrow and then, bang!, suddenly I derail and everything flies off the track, crash, burn, utter wreckage.

Life seems insane. ****, it is insane. It doesn't help things to have the horrors of the world flung in my face constantly at work either. Not only the insanities of my workplace itself, the lack of management etc. etc., but the world, with the stories of all the carnage that is going on out there coming in every day. Since I'm on the foreign news desk we get the constant flow of reports from all the wire services of all the horrors. The pictures come in too and I can't take the killings, the beheadings, the disasters, the perversion. You would not believe the amount of stuff that comes in and is never really out there in the news. The news on TV is just a tiny bit of what you see at the office. It becomes matter-of-fact, but it's not matter-of-fact. It's like a horror movie but it's not make-believe. It seems that every day there is more unbelievable stuff going on out there. I suppose it's what happens to people working in hospital emergency rooms. They often say the highest incidence of alcoholics is police officers, doctors and journalist. I always thought it was the irregular hours, the deadlines, the stress of the work itself but now I'm thinking, maybe it's just the horror of the news, of the things in front of them that works on their psyches so they seek escape through an alcoholic numbing. Well, there are a lot of heavy drinkers and alkies around me but I'm not going to become one of them (though I had another drink till morning night out on Tuesday).

Anyhow, that's why I guess I find it so hard to stay on track, with my little world, my little wishes to lose weight, to eat healthily, to exercise. But maybe that's the microcosm of sanity I must cling to amidst the chaos, no? I often wonder why the good things happening in the world don't get written about. Why is it only the bad? I suppose if I didn't feel the insanity that would be the moment when I had actually become so myself. To still feel it is to be healthy.

Yes, well, I say I derail, but more and more it's kept more in bounds. Yesterday, though I had sugar I didn't then make a giant run of it or binge. Nothing of the sort. I actually stayed fairly within reason, finishing off the day with a giant bowl of watermelon and a bagel, strange mix, but two of my favorites. The exercise has gone the way of the wind, however, but even that, I'll get back. It's not like I do nothing. I have ridden once and I do walk a lot.

And you know, I've been using that bird by bird thing a lot when things overwhelm me. And they sure are now.

Well, I'll be back and writing to you all individually. This is Saturday and I have to go into the office again and we are so busy it's not funny.

The other source of major stress is my room, which is filthy. I'm never home to clean and when I am home it's the last thing I want to do. I've never been good about cleaning, would rather polish my riding boots and make my horse shine then do anything like housework!! I need to just have some downtime. Bit by bit, bird by bird. I'm going to make a chart and whenever I do anything to make this room more livable I'm going to write it down on there. Why is balance such a hard thing? I suppose it's because I live by extremes.

Well, Raven, I just wanted to say that four hours on the phone with your friend is really so sweet of you. That's what she needed to be sure. I do hope her other horses ease the pain.

Well, gotta go. Keep me sane people. I love hearing about all your goings-on and your humor is the best!

Ciao tutti.

Whoa, something's really spooky about this site... Red, the only way I can see your post is to use the Advanced Posting option. Just looking at the thread the regular way, the last post I see is Raven's.

Anyhow girl, please stop a minute and take a few cleansing deep breaths. While I can certainly relate to the crash and burn scenario and the difficulty of staying on the wagon (sometimes it feels more like the sin wagon than the path to righteousness... but I digress).

When you talk about the hazards of your line of work - constant exposure to the bad sides of life, I think more than the rest of us, you need some pleasant diversions. Things to make you realize that the world is not completely full of sucky, selfish, animalistic, :censored: :censored: :censored: 's - yah know? I know how get riled up sometimes with the things I happen upon, can't imagine how I'd deal with it daily as you do. Sometimes it makes you wonder if judgement day is just around the corner? Can it get any worse? Funny I was just talking about that with my mom last night. You have to wonder just how much further things can go in the toilet before they implode.

And yes, you are correct in your statement that you must cling to your routine, your patterns, your little microcosm of sanity and control. Because after all, is not the bad stuff mainly things out of control and outside of the boundaries of acceptability? Why do we only hear about the bad? Because - that's the stuff that makes the news. Human nature being what it is, we'll peek at a car wreck, even if we can't stare at it but we hardly notice the cars whizzing past us everyday in regular life. Raven rescuing 2 horses from being put down does not make news. Coming across a stable where the horses were abused, neglected and starving does make the news. :dunno: But as you know, it doesn't mean we're all evil and mean - you just have to look a little farther to uncover the good stuff. Girl, I do think you need a bit more derailing - we call it venting and it's good for the soul. Don't bottle it up. When you have these bad days, may I suggest an exercise? I got it from the Oprah show so don't shower me with eggs and tomatoes but I swear it works. It's called a joy journal. Before you go to sleep at night, put a favorite mellow song on the stereo and write down 3 - 5 things that made you glad you woke up that day. 3 things to celebrate life. They don't have to be big things - maybe your pants fit nice, it was a especially pretty sunrise/sunset, you made someone smile today, or a thought popped into your head from a time long ago and made you wistfully smile. I know this sounds so hokey, and sometimes you really have to think HARD to come up with 3 things, but I swear it turns your thinking around and puts you in a better frame of mind. And remember, sometimes just taking a good poop is a reason to feel good - makes you feel light and free doesn't it? :devil: I don't do this every night but when I sometimes get down on myself, I do this for a few nights standing (journalling, not pooping). We are kind, decent and good people - yah know? (and if we don't poop enough, that's how we wind up as real crappy people) :lol:

As for your messy room - I know that feeling too. My sister told me about a website called www.flylady.net over a year ago. You can look at it if you want but the jist of it is that 1) you need to get rid of the clutter in your life. Only keep the stuff that you love because "stuff" needs time and attention. The other main point is that you get overwhelmed taking on a task - it will take 4 days to clean my apartment!!!! So her point is that you break things down and do them in 15 minute increments. And you develop a few basic routines to keep things tidy. That too works for me. Let's say your desk has 3 months of mail, papers, things you intend to get to some day as well as who knows what on there. Set your timer for 15 minutes and start on the desk - separate into keep, toss, give away. And immediately file it if your going to keep it, trash it if it's not needed (no digging it back later). The only pile you can keep is the give aways and that you scoop up with you tomorrow as you head out the door. When the timer goes off after 15 minutes, you walk away from the desk and go do something else. The theory is that you can do anything for 15 minutes and having a set time limit keeps you from being overwhelmed. It's the old "how do you eat an elephant" theory - bite by bite. I swear, each night I do 2 15 minute sessions, clean the bathroom, clear the counter, do a load of laundry and it does help me stay on top of things. I'm not a neat freak but clutter does cause stress eventually - just another demand on an already too demanding day, right? So you have to break it down to manageable chunks.

You need a nice tub soak, a scented candle, a glass of wine and some relaxing music. Oh but wait, you're in Japan and baths are different there, aren't they? Well ... maybe you don't soak in a bubble bath but you do have tub soaks. Or maybe just a nice ride in the fields on your horse - no disciplined dressage lesson, just feeling the wind in your hair, being one with the horse and enjoying the sheer sense of flying that running on 2 legs alone will never get you.

I expect, demand, and will be sorely disappointed in you missy if you don't report back to us by the end of Sunday one 15 minute session that you did for just the sheer enjoyment of it. No guilt either.

Well, I didn't intend to ignore everyone else but it's almost 1am in my part of town and I have to get up early tomorrow, so I'll catch up with you later peeps.

Everyone try to enjoy a little bit of the weekend, ok?

And in response to your ciao tutti, well I just have to say ....

A wop bop a loo bop a lop bam bam boom
Tutti frutti, oh rutti, tutti frutti, oh rutti
Tutti frutti, oh rutti, tutti frutti, oh rutti
Tutti frutti, oh rutti
A wop bop a loo bop a lop bam bam boom ... courtesy of Mr. James Brown, the self proclaimed hardest working man in show business

Hey all. I hope everyone is having a good weekend. Red, I hope you take some time to do something nice for yourself. Happy, I hope your mouth is doing better. Raven, where are you???

I need to ramble a bit. I was driving home from my friend's baby shower tonight, and thought about the importance of choosing to be in the right place at the right time. I was craving chocolate ( a combination of lack of sleep, worry over the pony, and pms). So, I decided to stop and get gas, and a bag of M&Ms. Now, I did not need gas. I was not about to run out on the way home. But I was choosing to make it easier for myself to get junk food? This is nuts. Earlier today, I "decided" I needed a little something something to tide me over until the baby shower. Now, I had food at home. Could have grabbed fruit, yogurt, a v8. But instead, I decided to go pick up some cheese to replace the moldy stuff I got when I went shopping Thursday, and then see what looked good. Again, placing myself in the path of junk. I grabbed some taco dip, then grabbed a half gallon of ice cream, because it was on sale. As I was heading to checkout, a little voice inside my head was saying "putitbackputitbackputitback." So I did. A mini save. On the one hand, I put myself in places that make it easier to get the bad food I crave, even find excuses to get there. On the other hand, I want a better social life, but refuse to put myself in places where it could happen. Hmmm.

Why do I do this to myself? Why do any of us accept less than the best for ourselves? Not take care of ourselves?

I want to take better care of myself, and to value myself.

Have a good one all.

inching ahead. . .
 

Am running to do things here, for me! first today and then work tonight. Happy, I just wanted to say, thank you so, so very much for your words. They were such a help yesterday when I was feeling so down and overwhelmed. And I have checked out the Flylady and love it! It is giving me the courage to face this mess of a room as well and I know that will have a big impact on the rest of my life. The Flylady is like a 3fatchicks for the housecleaning challenged! It makes me feel like less of a loser about this part of me. I am trying to clean my sink, went out and bought all the necessary stuff but can't find the stopper to stop it up. Will keep looking and/or buy one if I can find one. I want my sink to shine, because, yes, as she says, I know it'll give me a sense of accomplishment and, more importantly, hope!

Thank you so much! I will write more later.

And jolly, that was no "mini save" when you put the ice cream back. That was a very major save!! I think it takes far more to make a late save like that than a more preventive one. That was like spine tingling stuff, a save when doom hung thick. Good for you. Wollop yourself on the back! Very interesting insights into the "putting yourself in the path of temptation" behavior. Yes, I do the same. And yes, why doesn't it work the other way? putting ourselves in the path of our dreams. Let's reflect on that and, damn it, DO something about it!

"Put ourselves in the path of our dreams." I like that. You are right, Red, why do we seem to run screaming from our dreams, instead of the other way around? I wish I knew.

Well, no save yesterday. I am so stressed out about the horse, and using that as an excuse to not care about anything else. I got chips, dip, and M&Ms yesterday, as well as pizza, chef salad, and a baguette. Does this sound like a healthy day's worth of eating for anything smaller than a sumo wrestler???? At the end of the day, I did manage to throw out what little junk food I hadn't already consumed, but still. I realize that I need to commit to myself everyday. To bringing out my best self, every day. So that is what I am doing.

Have a good day all.

Right now about the best I can commit to is not tearing out my hair or crawling under the bed and hiding.

On the upside, I was able to go out and get some protective leg gear for the horses so they won't gash themselves on the move. Less worry on that.

The rain is incessant. I think it's monsoon season. In so many ways it is making me crazy.

Thursday evening we move the horses. Here are some pics of the new place. The outside arena is fenced in now, but hasn't got the sand in it yet. The barn has the insulation panels up, but the rain is really hindering progress. There are pictures of his minis, and of Starla the potbellied pig, and of the all important roundpen!! Once I get the horses over there I'll take some pics of them.

I'll be ok. I will. Yep. :yes: :yikes:

Whew! Are we all "hitting the wall" in one way or another? I certainly have not had a good week/weekend, as far as eating has been concerned. I have been eating everything bad for me not nailed down. I realized this morning why, because it's TOM, but dang, what a piggie I've been!

I will probably use my "no weigh pass" this week at WW and chalk it up to pms. Ugh!

I have a great success to share, though. Went shopping for more work clothes that are cooler. I was able to get them out of the "regular" section in XL's, not the plus size section. I was very happy about that.

Had a nice pedicure yesterday and did a bunch of errands. I am getting ready to have a garage sale this weekend and hopefully make some money to use for the landscaping.

I don't have time to respond individually, but since we are all in the same place right now, we can "inch" along together, huh?

Okay, have a great Monday.

Chach

Checking in here before I shower and head to the gym. Isn't it usually the other way around? Nah, just in from riding, have been working on the computer as I reek of dogs and horses and a lot of sweat. Heavenly, at least the horse part! Not much action around here. Where is everyone. Is it a long weekend in the States or something?

I've been doing OK for the past few days I think. Gotta get tougher with the eating though. I don't count calories and then wonder when I don't see the fat melting off. Still, I've been off the sugar, which is always a good thing.

A thought that keeps slipping in recently, "Make each day your masterpiece." I'd read it somewhere and though it may sound ambitious I don't mean it like that. It's more, take hold of the day and make use of it. It's precious. I'm trying to do that. Not thinking of things as things I HAVE to do but as opportunities, chances to move me closer to my dreams. And, unbelievably, I have been somehow able to think more of my dreams recently. They seem like little ones, getting the look I want, being able to wear the kinds of clothes that express my personality, something of what is within. To me, to be able to do that would be so wonderful. It would make me feel so together, so confident, so powerful.

And I've been thinking of that and then trying to use each day to move me toward that. I'm hoping it's going to keep working, this resolve I feel.

Jolly, yes, putting ourselves in the path of dreams does sound pretty damn good. Why do we run screaming from our dreams, or at least, run trembling from them? Fear I'd say is probably the motivator. Fear that arises from many things, disappointment being a big one for me. Past disappointments, expectations that didn't pan out. Yes, I can see the staying stuck in the rut -- of my fat, my slobbish clothes, my unbelievably cluttered room -- staying stuck has perhaps been what I've used as a buffer against more disappointment. So yes, fear. What is it for you? Why do you run from your dreams, jolly?

Raven, hang in there! You can do this. Just get to the other side. Great pix. Love the pig. Sending you energy waves!

Chachee, you wanton woman! Eating everything that wasn't nailed down. What is a "no weight pass?" How often can you use one? Great going on graduating the plus size section. I bet that felt great.

Yes, let's keep it up, inching along in our own ways, with an occasional sprint thrown in, OK?

Right, gotta run. Take care all. Rest of you, come on down!!!

:coffee: Mornin' everyone.

The weekends seem to get away from me - so much to do and I always feel that I am behind in everything. **big sigh ** Speaking of long weekends Red, this one coming up is a long one for us with the 4th of July Independence Day weekend upon us. To me that's a measure that summer's half over tho that's not really the case. A sort of kick in the rear to get out and enjoy the nice weather before you blink and winter is upon us again.

And 4th of July also means BBQs and parties.

I am really trying well maybe not REALLY trying to get back in gear. What it is is that I'm making tiny steps and I need to take bigger, disciplined strides but I am fighting my stubborn, inner self. I am exercising, stretching, moving, drinking water and eating - better than slacking off but not at the intensity to see results. Then I get annoyed with myself and I call myself a lazy cow. It's time to get back into the planning and execution - don't THINK about it, just DO it mode of thinking. I'm starting to believe that one of the great mysteries of life is why it's so hard to get back on the :censored: wagon again. :headache:

Catching up...
Raven, the new field looks wonderful, I'm sure all the horses will love their new home even if the move is a little traumatic. Good luck, hope everything goes well.

Red, I think you are right about little things each day to get to your dreams. There is a tendency among us to want everything perfect and all at once which I think overwhelms us - is it self sabotage? Perhaps we are just an impatient lot used to instant gratification. The important part I think is to remind ourselves each day of the steps we took to get us to our goals instead of beating ourselves up about our failures (which are often more supposed than real). Keep pluggin away - **as she softly punches you in the shoulder**

Chachee - yay on the NSV with the clothes. :cp: :cp: :cp: The pedicure sounds just wonderful. I got some new bright nail polish yesterday. Now if I can reach my toes, I'll paint them - exercise and reward???? :lol: Hope your yard sale goes well and everyone offers you double what you're asking!

Jolly, I think one of the hardest things is that each day we have to start all over being good. If we could hang in there for 2 weeks and it would all be done with, we'd all be stick models. You do the best you can. Perhaps when you are feeling low, if you must give in to comfort food, choose 1 not many. And I say this from experience myself. I think they should make the M&M's snack packs all year long. It takes alot longer to eat several little packages than it does to grab 10 handfuls of the loose ones. Or tell yourself that if you're going to stop in the junk food store that you have to stand and look at yourself in the store window for 3 whole minutes continuously before you open the door. Anything to distract...

C'mon, the diet police are coming at us with their babooska's (head scarfs) and shopping carts and knock some sense into you bats. We'd better run from our secret little places of sin before they catch up to us.

Just for today try to be on the good side of life. 'k?

GOOOOOOD MORNING :D

Glad to see everyone is still here!

Raven, so sorry to hear about your friend losing here horses :( I think it's great that you talked to her for so long and helped her through a rough time.

Chach, great news on the weight loss and smaller clothes!! I can't wait until I can shop in the normal sizes. What a wonderful feeling that must be!

Jolly, You Go! Putting back that icecream! You are a strong woman!

Lucky, should I prepare for Jordan wanting to dye his black? HMMMM....I don't know about that :lol:

Happy, sorry to hear you are having trouble with your teeth and hope you are better soon.

Red, hope you are less stressed!

Vacation was wonderful! I did swim with the dolphins and I think that's the neatest thing I have ever done. They are so playful and friendly. I got to do hand signals and get it to sing, spin in the water and we danced together :lol: It was a sight to see!

Gary and Jordan went parasailing. They said it is the greatest thing they had ever done. They could see stingrays swimming around and the view was awesome. They were dipped into the ocean twice and loved every minute of it!

We saw dolphin shows, sea lion shows, etc....fed sharks and pet sting rays. They felt like a plush carpet. The dolphins feel like rubber on their back but like vinyl on their belly. It was an experience.

We spent alot of time on the beach and got alot of sun. Jordan's favorite part is riding the boogie board on the waves. We found some pretty cool shells and had a blast watching the sand crabs. They are so fuuny running sideways!

I'm not ready to work back into the same old routine but I have to. Vacation just seems to fly by but I guess everyone has to come back to reality.

Now I'm doing all of this laundry and preparing for the 4th of July. It's Gary's favorite holiday so we make a pretty big deal about it. We do our own fireworks and have a big cookout. It will be fun.

Better get back to the laundry. Have a wonderful ladies :D

Hi everyone --

Sorry I "went away" from the thread....still trying to get settled into my new house, plus my mother-in-law has been visiting so we're doing stuff with her -- she'll be here 'till middle of August, which is great because I just love her. I just can't get much done. And my old kitty's (17 years old) health started declining rapidly, and she passed away last Thursday. And one of my best friends in California who has been battling Stage 4 cancer for 2-1/2 years has now been referred to hospice. She's not interested in eating or drinking and she goes in and out of consciousness. Please pray for her. Her name is Patricia.

Thanks.

Hi all. Real quick post for me. Michelle, glad to hear from you. Sorry to hear about your cat, and will definitely pray for your friend. Hippee, glad you had a good trip.

Well, a huge worry is off my mind. The vet came out to check my horse again. He is not better yet, though he is on the mend. The good news is that she suggested I contact the manufacturer of the vaccine. I did, and they are going to help with the vet bills. Wow! This is a huge load off my mind.

Hope all else is good for you guys. Will try to talk more tomorrow.

Hello Ladies!

Red: A "no weigh pass" is one that WW gives each member. Their policy is that you have to weigh in to attend the meeting. Some weeks when you know you will not have a good weigh in and still need the support of the meetings, you can use your pass, pay for the meeting, and stay without stepping on the scale. I need that probably this week because of the hormones out of control, and my eating out of control. It's really bad this time, and a very bad TOM for me. I'll use it, get the support from the ladies I need, then move on. That makes next weigh in for me next Wednesday. Should be fine by then.

Hippy: Welcome back! Glad you had a nice vacation! Sounds like a wonderful time!

Happy: Okay, what is NSV? I have no clue what that means. (Probably something I should know, but don't.) Thanks, though, I think! :lol: Yes, bend over, stretch, and paint those nails! I'll count it for 15 minutes of aerobic exercise for ya!

Michelle: I'll be keeping you and your loved ones in my prayers.

Howdy to everyone else!

Chach

Jolly, we crossed posts! Yay on the horsie situation! That is wonderful!

Chach

Hi There ladies,
Nervous day today. My company has been bought by another and tomorrow is the official take over day. Rumor has it that there will be layoffs today - we already know that many of us will lose our jobs, myself included. So I sit on pins and needles. :stress: :hyper: :stress: :hyper: :stress: I am craving food and cigarettes (in the worst way) and all things bad for me. Guess I could use some industrial strength duct tape for the mouth :tape: and an intimate encounter with Chachee's bat :stars: This too shall pass, no???

Chachee an NSV is a Non Scale Victory - those little things that make you feel sooooo very good about your efforts. Sometimes we tend to measure our only means of success by the downward numbers on the scale. It's important to count those NSVs - such as fitting into a size you couldn't before - to remind us there's more to success than just a scale. So congrats on fitting into the regular XLs !!!!

Jolly, it's good to hear that Chance is on the mend and that you might get some help with the vet bills. Sounds like it was really touch and go there for a while. No wonder you were all stressed out. How long until he is back to par again?

Michelle, sorry to hear about your kitty - the stress just doesn't seem to end for you, does it? Prayers go out for your friend and a few for you too :grouphug: Enjoy your time with MIL and stop by a little more often, okay?

Hippy, vacation sounds like it was wayyyyyyy cool. Where did you go again? It's so hard to get back to boring reality when you've had a great time like that.

Raven, good luck with the move tomorrow. I'm sure you are running around like a wild woman - just don't stress yourself out.

Red - hope you are still off the sugar and finger painting your masterpiece little by little - too broad of a brush and too much pressure wrecks the painting. Fine dabs here and there bring it into focus.

Well, it's time for me to get busy and get to work - got to see if my password still works :yikes: I pledge not to smoke today no matter what happens...