I've lost control of EVERYTHING.
I don't know where my head went but I let things get me down and gained an "I don't even care" mentality which apparently isn't how I really feel because I feel so ashamed of myself.
Nothing I do makes me feel good about myself for very long these days.. I just keep getting bigger, less attractive, less happy, less healthy.. I don't know how to make myself as motivated again without hitting rock bottom first.. and if this isn't the bottom, I don't want to know what is.
I am ruining my life, my friendships, my everything.. I just want to get a grip again.. I avoided the scale for 3 weeks.. when I hop on it.. I am up 15lbs.. is that even possible? I replaced the batteries, reset it.. and still.. 15.. I guess i'm in denial.. But I CAN'T hit 220.. I hit 200 and said no to 210.. now I'm 214.. and if I get any higher I don't want to know that girl because she will not be good company.
I am a happy person, I can handle most things with some ease.. but this is tearing me apart... I feel like such a pathetic loser. I work in a damn donut shop.. I never do anything active anymore.. I despise the thing that I used to love.. and I question things with everyone and everything.. Ugh.. I want out of this miserable place. I need my confidence back.. or at least my happiness.. that would be nice.