Validation through intimate relationships
 

Straight to the point I think I seek validation from guys because of my own lack of self-esteem about my size and shape. The older I become the more I'm able to admit it. The healthier I become the more confident and self-assured I AM..so right now, I can say! (with some apprehension) that I USE to seek validation from guys because of my lack of confidence about the way I look!... Even though on the outside I don't appear as fragile as I feel sometimes...I'm goofy, outgoing, and love to dance:carrot:...but its something about attention from a guy...and its something about comparisons to smaller women and ALL the competition..Sometimes I feel almost invisible yet inside I feel I have so much life...oh well..I'm venting..Overall I feel Good because I've found the courage to have my priorities aligned a bit better. So this issue doesn't weigh as heavy on me as it use to. #thoughts#

You really touched me with this post. as if someone had told my life....It took me a long time to admit to myself how unhappy I was, and how many actually want to confirm that I worth something ....

This post really hit home. I think when we abuse our bodies with food we also abuse our bodies in other ways. We do not place any value on it. But now that we are doing our best to treat our bodies better, we respect it that much more. It bothers me considerably when I think back on the choices I have made and THAT is what keeps me going to lose the weight I need to lose.

(Oh, and I am not saying you - personally - have "abused" your body in the way that I am intending. It was just how I related to your post as it pertains to me. *smile*)

I feel like I could have written this word for word. I long for attention from the opposite sex and have made some really horrific choices to get that attention and try to grasp it. My own happiness was entirely based on whether or not there was a man in my life paying attention to me. I am still fighting this battle to get my feet on my own solid ground. To validate my OWN self worth. To start loving me from the inside out. I make progress and then I have set backs.

This has got to be, single handedly, the most difficult thing I have ever had to face, accept, and attempt to change.

That's why I am desperate to lose weight. I am trying SO very hard. I have got to improve my self-esteem in order to break the cycle and raise my standards. I have such a poor self image that I allow things to happen that shouldn't.

I am comforted knowing that I am not alone. Sometimes I feel like there is nobody in the world who hurts as deeply and as intensly as I do.

I mean..just putting this post up shows my growth. I agree with all of you. It's hard to search and search and long...and find nothing. After a while of finding nothing and coming up against brick walls I started to look at myself. Not only my outside self but inside too. I'm now realizing its what I needed all along.. Now the weight is coming off, I don't have as high of a fear if something goes wrong in the 'dating' world, and I'm happier. I think we all should invest time in our CORE because that's really where it counts. I'm glad I found what really counts right now in my life. I'm peeling back years of layers of 'stuff' and feeling lighter slowly but surely!! We all need encouragement and I'm here for you all!!!

That's exactly right. We need to focus our time and attention on our own personal growth. Invest time in ourselves because ultimately, the love that we are longing for is what we're missing within ourselves. I am trying so hard to fall in love with myself. I know that is my issue. I hate myself. I can hardly stand to look in the mirror. All I ever see, and all I have ever seen, are my flaws.

Toni How can you not like this pix of you? I mean look at that grin under that cute sock monkey hat. C'mon....you're just a cutie pie waiting to climb on out!

"We need to focus our time and attention on our own personal growth. Invest time in ourselves because ultimately, the love that we are longing for is what we're missing within ourselves"

I am so glad I read this post, b/c that up there ^^ is the most concise and insightful way to sum up what's going on with ladies like us. Thank you for that Toni!

*tear* I haven't been back to check on this thread for a couple days. God love ya, Pam. I appreciate the kind words so very much.

I cannot express the severity of my self loathing. I convince myself that I am the ugliest person in the world. The fattest. The most unattractive. The most disgusting. The most vulgar. And I spend most of the day wishing that a piano would fall on my head or that a terrible accident will happen on my way to or from work so I could just be put out of my misery.

I get myself into one toxic, unhealthy, abusive relationship after the other. Men treat me like utter garbage. I let them. When I pick the pieces up and get back to a place of not hating myself as much, along comes the next one to take a dump all over my world. And the worst part is, I let them. I am a masochist.

Even when I try to break a way, the fear of being alone and never having somebody terrifies me and I'm the one begging them to stay in my life. I can't stop the cycle of abuse.

The guy I am "twisted" up with now treats me like I am his whore and that is it. His only use for me is his pleasure. ****, he even tells me that. I've tried to pull away from him but every time I do, I find myself caught up in this game of "if only"...if only I did things differently....if only I would have said this...if only I would...blah blah blah.

How does this improve my self esteem and self worth? It doesn't. I only hate myself more.

I'm to the point where I wake up in the morning with a massive headache, can barely crawl out of bed to go to work. Sit at my desk all day in a complete fog and find myself completely unable to do anything.

The only thing I am sticking to is my diet and my excercise.

In my head, I convince myself that this always happens to me because I am the fat girl. Skinny girls find nice men and get married. Fat girls are used and abused. I don't deserve to meet a nice man because I'm a fat slob.

Yeah, girls...I realize I need major help. I tried calling both my psych and my therapist. I can't get in sooner than Friday. I'm hanging on by a thread.

Help.

I am just so sad after reading your last post. But, hun, I can relate to every word you said. YOU HAVE VALUE! I just wish you could see that. You have taken control over your eating and exercise because why? Because you want a healthy body…..because you LOVE your body…..right? So if you love it enough to not let a double cheeseburger with extra cheese near it, why would you let some jerk-off who tells you out right he is using you near it? But I also know that men like this are equivalent to food binges. It feels good at the time but we suffer from terrible hangover’s later. And at the end of the day, neither is worth it. You need to detox from him like you did old eating habits. YOU CAN DO THIS! And you have over 50 pounds lost to prove that you can.

I am sorry that you are in so much pain and discomfort. I had a guy like this in my life – although we were truly friends and he’d do anything for me – but I still knew the physical part of it was toxic to me and my emotional wellbeing. The moment I cut him off I had such an incredible feeling come over me. A feeling of power, control, worthiness!

Say goodbye to this guy….and say hello to you again.

First, everyone deserves to be treated like a human being. The fact that this "man" would treat anyone like that means he is only capable of pain, hate, humiliation and endless trauma for you. You deserve better, not because of your size, but because you're an awesome human being. I agree with the poster above that you have an awesome smile in your picture. Does this guy you're with make you smile? If not, leave him. Go find a female roommate if you feel you cannot or do not want to live on your own; then just work on you because you are what's important.

Second, most unfortunately, every person regardless of race, gender, weight, age, etc can be in an abusive relationship. Just because you feel very down on yourself does not mean that he has the right to treat you this way. DO NOT LET HIM! Cut him out of your life entirely. For 22 years of my life, I watched my father manipulate women and let me tell you, it had nothing to do with whether they were fat or not, the ease of manipulation came from the lack of self esteem these women had. Abusers can spot this trait from a mile away. Until you have time to work on you and start loving yourself, you may very well continue to attract these types of people - it's like wild animals that smell blood.

There are good men out there and not all men (many in fact) don't want stick skinny women - but remember, your worth is never determined by another person. You are valuable, and priceless on your own so don't let any jerk tell you differently. And if someone does, kick them to the curb and never look back.

Sorry my thoughts are a tad disjointed but I felt compelled to respond quickly. I just have a feeling you needed to read it as soon as possible. :hug: Try looking past your self loathing and self doubt and see what the rest of us do, a beautiful woman with an amazing smile.

((HUGS))) I was doing so much better before this guy came BACK in my life. He did this crap to me last summer and I finally had enough of it, gave him an earful and thought it had been the end of him. Fast forward a few months later, where I find myself in a different relationship that completely broke the little shred of me that still existed (loser, drug addict, alcoholic, manipulater) and it took me two months to beat him out.

I was in a dark depression the entire month of December. I don't even remember Christmas. I believe I spent that entire week I took off of work in bed. Literally.

New Years came around and I decided that this was going to be the year of ME. I started seeing a counselor, joined a gym, joined weight watchers, started taking Zumba classes and slowly I started coming out of my darkness. Things seemed hopeful.

That's when, out of the blue...this guy I'm "twisted" up with now emails me on facebook, states a good case and pretty much asks for a second chance. I agreed to talk to him and we did, pretty much every day for weeks and he "seemed" genuine in his interest and his intent. Then the very first time we actually got together, the events and activities, the way he treats me was the exact same as last year.

I tried to tell him how I needed things to be if it were going to work. He obviously didn't listen and he obviously doesn't care. I am to the point now where I fight with him and beg him to treat me better. He says he will. Nothing changes. Why is it so extremely difficult to accept that he is a bad person with bad intent and nothing I say or do will change the simple fact that he is just no good for me.

I feel like I was finally beginning to make progress and this has set me back a long way. I didn't need this. I'm angry at him for doing this to me. I'm angrier at myself for letting him. Twice.

People that treat others like property, or usless trash do not change. If you see those signs you might as well leave because you will never get the loving, caring relationship you need and deserve out of them.

Some things, some people cannot be fixed - they are who they are. I keep going back to personal experience, but I've heard a thousand times: "It'll change, I'm sorry, I'll do better" then it all falls apart again and becomes "You made me do this, your fault I'm mad, you are worthless." It will never end. Do not give him another chance; remove any communication by social networks, email, cell/telephone, etc. You will be much better off. :hug:

Yep. I stared at the computer screen when I logged onto Verizon's webpage to set up blocks so that he can no longer reach me. I've already blocked him on facebook about two weeks ago. He knows, but doesn't care. Of course he wouldn't. He never had any intentions of making me a part of his "real" life.

I didn't block his phone number. Just as I was about to do it he sent me a text with the same old song and dance "I think this can get better, I really want to try". I say the same thing over and over again to him...actions speak louder than words. It's as simple as that.

This relationship has been nothing short of toxic. I can't break away. Something about it makes it impossible for me to cut it out. I have to get to the root of that problem. That's what I hope I can address in counseling. Like I said, I'm hanging in until Friday. Until then, my contact with him is extremely limited and I will NOT be seeing him.

I looked at your soul transformation. You are a very pretty woman. Please don’t let a man control your worth. Take it from someone older, been there, and has too many t-shirts from that rodeo.

Stay on track and be good to yourself. Good things will come to you my dear. I can feel it. You have too pretty of a smile for it not to.

((Hugs))

Thank you ladies for all of your concern, kind words, and encouragement. You will be happy to know that I got the strength I needed to completely block him out of my life. I have his number blocked from contacting my phone and I blocked him on facebook. It will be absolutely impossible for this man to reach me and thus hurt me any longer.

I didn't give him a warning either. I felt he deserved no explanation. Talking to him about how miserable he makes me feel does nothing because he tries to talk me out of it with empty words and no changed actions. He is no good for my well being in any way, shape, or form.

I went to see both my counselor and my med check nurse today and both are concerned that I have been misdiagnosed with major depression when I show more signs of a personality disorder. Both bi-polar and borderline were thrown at me as a possible diagnosis. I don't care what I am, I just need help getting better.

I was told to continue taking my prozac and I was prescribed topemax. Hopefully with this medication I will find relief soon. God knows I need it.

So...here I go back on my journey of self-transformation. Learning to fall in love with myself, establish my worth, and not letting anyone in to take that away from me ever, ever again.

(((BIG HUGS)))

Good for you! He doesn't deserve an explanation because, as far as I'm concerned, those who treat other people like trash are subhuman. And you're right, the more you talk and open up to hurtful manipulators, the more ammunition you give them to use against YOU.

I'm glad your counselor and physician/nurse are concerned and helpful. Hopefully the new medication will help. I hope you have a lovely (d'bag free) weekend and take care of yourself!

That hit home for me too. I've done such stupid things and lost myself for that validation. I'd become whatever I felt they wanted..they all say I was great but when I look back I feel so fake and ashamed that I lost myself for attention and "love". I can't truly be loved unless I love and be myself. That's the hardest thing. It's hard to realise that a guy's attention isn't the same as loving myself and being truly happy.

Thanks so much for posting, I think it helps a lot of us realise we aren't alone.

Reading this thread makes me so sad. It doesn't have to be that way ladies! I guess we all cope in different ways.

My mom married my dad because she thought no one else ever would. She didn't love him, but did later. And she could have done better, but she had no confidence. She was a little overweight and felt like no one would marry a fat woman. She told me the same thing and I believed it for a long time.

So... as I got older and matured, I had similar insecurities and I became pretty asexual. I didn't want to be thought of in a sexual way as I wasn't sexy!

But at 22, I realized "If I don't change my head about this, I'm going to be alone at 33, 44, and so on." So, I started getting some counseling (in a group in college) and started working on my sexual health - my confidence in my body as much as in my mind.

Not so ironically, just as I was getting my head on straight, I met my husband to be. (and a lot of other guys started taking interest too). And he is quite a catch! He's handsome, thin, very intelligent, educated, witty and very kind and very highly regarded and liked. Well, this FAT girl married him. I was just under 200 at the time and have weighed as much as 275 while with him.

Never once did I doubt our relationship. My problem was in my head. So much of beauty is how you present yourself too - your confidence.

Guys will sleep with anyone just to get sex. It shouldn't empower you or make you feel 'worthy'. Being worthy comes from inside you and when you find that confidence, you will exude confidence and will shine and fat or not, you will be more attractive and will find better men.

I'm dealing with a lot of the same issues addressed in this thread.

All my life I've been the fat girl, and all the way up until high school, I hated that guys didn't like me. Then in high school, I seriously dated every single guy who feigned interest in me. This eventually led to me getting raped. (I don't discuss this, but I felt it was necessary here)

After high school, I was back in that funk of no guys paying attention to me. I think a lot of this stems from my dad dying when I was 15, as he was the one man in my life that always gave me his full attention and adoration.

I started talking to men online, and have since only dated men online. And all of these men prefer big women. Which I always thought was awesome, but really, it just enabled me to stay overweight, and those relationships were just as abusive had they been with men who liked thin women.

I've been dealing with a relationship much like Toni is, except my ex has borderline personality disorder, bipolar disorder, and depression, and he is a master liar and manipulator, and has always claimed that I am his soulmate.

Only recently have I come to realize that I can't do this anymore. I'm giving him power and control, and no one but me should have that.

Every day is a struggle, and I've been gaining weight and honestly not even really trying to turn that around lately...mostly because of my depression and my feelings of worthlessness.

I'm finally figuring out my self-confidence issues, and my issues with men, but all my life I've struggled with the weight issue, and I can't seem to beat it. I always start strong, and quit because I hate it. I don't know what to do anymore.