"One of the hardest moments in life is deciding when to give up..."
"...and when to try harder."
I'm having family issues. MAJOR family issues.
This may be kind of long, but I'll try and shorten
it up as much as possible.
MY MOM'S SIDE OF THE FAMILY Well, even before I was born my mom's mom (my nana)
has always had this problem of choosing men over her
children. Don't get me wrong, I love my nana to death, but
she's made some REALLY messed up choices in her past.
As a result from her mistakes, two of her six kids haven't
talked to her in over 20 years.
I tried messaging my aunt whom I have never seen (and she
has kids, so I have NEVER seen my cousins either) and seeing
if I can get in contact with her. After all, *I* never did anything
to her. She ignored my message (I simply said I was her niece)
and she denied my facebook friend request. All because of a
bad decision my nana made 20+ years ago, she's taking it out
on ME and won't even give me the chance to see her OR my
cousins. Am I wrong for wanting to be a family again?
I've always been the type of person who can forgive someone.
It's just mind bottling holding a grudge on someone for so long.
I know she has a good reason to, but does she really have to
take it out on me and MY MOTHER (her sister)?
Also, my mom's dad (my grandfather) was always abusive and
he eventually moved away to California- the opposite side of
the country from us- and met another woman and had kids
with her. But he's filled all this crap in their head about how
innocent he was and how nasty and mean my nana is. His kids
are now in their 20's so they've grown up believing my nana is
horrible. It's just heartbreaking how he can lie through his teeth
about a woman I love and a woman who is so strong. I'm getting
tears now just typing it! Because of what he's said, my step
aunts and uncles (his kids) have a SORT OF bad impression
of me, seeing as how I've been around her all the time.
MY DAD'S SIDE OF THE FAMILY This will be rather short. To put it simply- they're just
completely nuts! Their whole world revolved around drama and gossip
and they love rumors. Because of this, I have LITTLE relationship with
my aunts/uncles on my dad's side of the family, and I have little
relationship with my cousin's on that side of the family. I've tried countless
of times to have family reunion, family get-togethers, etc. NOTHING
is working. The reason? Simply because I'm my dad's kid. My dad is
known for drug dealing and he's CONSTANTLY in and out of jail.
I haven't seen him in two years and I can only imagine what poor
girl he's abused this time- or how much debt he's in from drugs.
In fact, I hate him so much I don't even call him my dad. I call him by
his name. He's the only person I've truly hated in my life. He's taken me
on drug deals as a kid and he's tried to burn our house down when I
was living with him and his girlfriend at the time- WITH ME IN IT!!!
Because his side of the family doesn't like him, they don't like me.
Again, *I* have to suffer from someone elses' stupidity?!
I'm sorry this was so terribly long. My family is nutso. The ONLY
family members I trust are the ones living in my house (my mom,
younger brothers, and newborn sister) MY WHOLE POINT IS....
should I just give up? I'm soon starting a life with my fiancé and
I'm not even sure my dad even knows I'm engaged! That's how
out of my life he is. What would you do?
Should I still fight to keep my family members or should I quit on
them like they've quit on me? I'm closer to my fiancé's family
than I am to my own family. I'm thankful that I at least have
them. Thank you so much to whoever read this!
Hi,
I just stumbled across your post and I did read all it - nicely written by the way! To answer your question don't give up! Not on yourself! There are things about other people that you can never change so you have to take care of yourself! From reading all you wrote it looks like you are the one in your family to be able to break the chain of undesirable behavior - take that chance and keep moving forward. I have a serious fracture in my family and it breaks my heart (especially because it breaks my mom's heart and like you we didn't do anything to cause it!) but I have had to grieve over that loss like sort of like grieving over a death and experience all the phases of that grief and then say okay well I am moving on! For me one of the worst parts of being an adult is learning the lesson that you can't make people do the right thing they have to do it on their own. You sound like a really strong young women and you should decide for yourself that you are moving forward and making the best life you can for yourself! Good luck and to you!
Hi,
I just stumbled across your post and I did read all it - nicely written by the way! To answer your question don't give up! Not on yourself! There are things about other people that you can never change so you have to take care of yourself! From reading all you wrote it looks like you are the one in your family to be able to break the chain of undesirable behavior - take that chance and keep moving forward. I have a serious fracture in my family and it breaks my heart (especially because it breaks my mom's heart and like you we didn't do anything to cause it!) but I have had to grieve over that loss like sort of like grieving over a death and experience all the phases of that grief and then say okay well I am moving on! For me one of the worst parts of being an adult is learning the lesson that you can't make people do the right thing they have to do it on their own. You sound like a really strong young women and you should decide for yourself that you are moving forward and making the best life you can for yourself! Good luck and to you!
Thank you so much!
I really hate the thought of giving up.
I really love my family and I'll ALWAYS be there
for any of them, even after the wrongs they have
done. I've also talked to my fiancé about going to
see my dad in prison to give him ONE last chance.
I'll let him stay in my life if he can complete rehab
and prove he'll change- no more empty words. It
sounds like a fair deal to me. If he can't do it, then
he must not care about me or my brother enough.
(Yes, he does have another kid- my biological brother)
That sounds like a good plan. And your fiance sounds like a good supportive guy! You know you can still not give up on them but choose instead to focus on yourself in a positive way - be open but realistic. Judging by our pics I am a lot older than you but certainly don't think I know everything! As for whether your dad "cares" about you and your brother - he may in his own way. It is hard to accept but some people just turn out to limited in how much they can give in terms of emotion to other people. Not saying it is right but just one of those things that happen for a multitude of reasons. That is why it is important to remember that whatever the probs are - they are not your problems but problems created by the other person's limitations. You are a strong person so just keep your head up and keep moving on! Embrace the people in your life that are good for you! More to you!
In my opinion, you should definitely just stop trying to reach out to them for a while. It seems that your maturity is far beyond theirs, and maybe they need some time to grow up. The fact that some of your family members won't give you a chance because of mistakes of other family members just sounds plain immature and spiteful. I think the fact that YOU forgive so easily is beautiful. I really do. And I think it may work to your advantage in this case. If I were you, I'd move on with my life, enjoy as much time as possible with the family members who are lucky enough to have you in their lives, then later, when those other family members come looking for you (in 5, 10, 20 years) you can use your ability to forgive, and let them back into your life.
Families are tough. I think that continually reaching out and not hearing back will only make your self esteem suffer, so just wait for them to be ready and enjoy your mom, siblings, and fiance.
I'm so sorry to hear how much pain this is causing you. One of the great things about life is you can "give up" for now and then if you want to try again later on, you still can. I hope you can focus on the people in your life who appreciate all you have to offer and not dwell on the people who are unresponsive.
I so agree with the responses so far ... and I really know how you feel -- won't get into all the sordid details, but I know how you feel! So my advice is based on the choice that I ended up making in my life; I had to for my own sanity and health's sake ... I moved on ...
Like West-SouthGirl said, your father does love you in his own way; but becuz of the past, he has moved on to a new family and new life; and only has so much room in his present life for people from his past. Honestly, a relationship with him right now would just be unhealthy & maybe even toxic. Wait until he gets his life together; and when he does, he will contact you.
People that judge others by gossip & rumors do not make good friends or family; IMO, they are toxic too. You really don't want them in your life, trust me; it seems we learn these lessons over and over again -- every time we meet someone new. We have to step back and take a good look at them, and ask ourselves this question: are these really the kind of people I want in my life? My new husband's life -- and my future children's life?
I also believe that you should make the best of the family and friends that are in your life now -- the ones that truly love and appreciate the wonderful person you are. You have been blessed with a new family; a good family, so adopt them as your family, like RUTH did in the bible.
I know from experience that there is a kind of grieving that will take place when you have tried so hard to reach out, but be proud that you tried; you did your best, but to continue knocking on doors and having them slammed in your face will only bring heartache into your life.
I know that you are planning on getting married and I suspect that would have loved to invite all your family to your wedding. So I would suggest you make two lists -- the most important one is all your nearby family & friends & neighbours that are in your life now that you know will come and plan your wedding around them.
A friend of mine had such a small family that she made up her wedding list from her fiance's family; plus all their friends, and co-workers, and neighbors, etc. You do have the option to make a secondary list for some extended family relatives but don't count on them to show up -- and ask them to send a response within a limited time so you know if any of them are coming! That's what most people do; and you really don't want or need any added stressors for your wedding anyways.
I also come from a large family; but only a few live near us. We live in a society where some people live in a very small world; so sometimes, we have to create our own family or community. Congrats on your upcoming wedding -- you will make a beautiful bride and your guy sounds like a real special one too!
Last edited by Justwant2Bhealthy; 08-14-2010 at 05:47 PM.
And I think it may work to your advantage in this case. If I were you, I'd move on with my life, enjoy as much time as possible with the family members who are lucky enough to have you in their lives, then later, when those other family members come looking for you (in 5, 10, 20 years) you can use your ability to forgive, and let them back into your life.
Hm. I've never thought of doing it. But it
does sound like a very good plan. Thanks
for sharing this with me!
I'm so sorry to hear how much pain this is causing you. One of the great things about life is you can "give up" for now and then if you want to try again later on, you still can. I hope you can focus on the people in your life who appreciate all you have to offer and not dwell on the people who are unresponsive.
I so agree with the responses so far ... and I really know how you feel -- won't get into all the sordid details, but I know how you feel! So my advice is based on the choice that I ended up making in my life; I had to for my own sanity and health's sake ... I moved on ...
Like West-SouthGirl said, your father does love you in his own way; but becuz of the past, he has moved on to a new family and new life; and only has so much room in his present life for people from his past. Honestly, a relationship with him right now would just be unhealthy & maybe even toxic. Wait until he gets his life together; and when he does, he will contact you.
People that judge others by gossip & rumors do not make good friends or family; IMO, they are toxic too. You really don't want them in your life, trust me; it seems we learn these lessons over and over again -- every time we meet someone new. We have to step back and take a good look at them, and ask ourselves this question: are these really the kind of people I want in my life? My new husband's life -- and my future children's life?
I also believe that you should make the best of the family and friends that are in your life now -- the ones that truly love and appreciate the wonderful person you are. You have been blessed with a new family; a good family, so adopt them as your family, like RUTH did in the bible.
I know from experience that there is a kind of grieving that will take place when you have tried so hard to reach out, but be proud that you tried; you did your best, but to continue knocking on doors and having them slammed in your face will only bring heartache into your life.
I know that you are planning on getting married and I suspect that would have loved to invite all your family to your wedding. So I would suggest you make two lists -- the most important one is all your nearby family & friends & neighbours that are in your life now that you know will come and plan your wedding around them.
A friend of mine had such a small family that she made up her wedding list from her fiance's family; plus all their friends, and co-workers, and neighbors, etc. You do have the option to make a secondary list for some extended family relatives but don't count on them to show up -- and ask them to send a response within a limited time so you know if any of them are coming! That's what most people do; and you really don't want or need any added stressors for your wedding anyways.
I also come from a large family; but only a few live near us. We live in a society where some people live in a very small world; so sometimes, we have to create our own family or community. Congrats on your upcoming wedding -- you will make a beautiful bride and your guy sounds like a real special one too!
This really helped a lot, along with everyone
elses' responses! I think taking a break from
it is just what I need. I mean, I can't FORCE
my family to just be closer, but I can remind
them that I'm ALWAYS be here whenever they
may need me. I truly believe that to end this
vicious cycle that someone has to forgive and
leave the past in the past. I've forgiven my family's
gossip and rumors and I can honestly say I'll always
be there for them. Thanks girls!
I'm fortunate NOT to have all the family issues/drama you have. But, your comment about how your aunt has refused/ignored all communcation attempts from you is a little familiar.
One of my DH's uncles is estranged from the family. He had a daughter ("Jen") who the family only had contact with her when she was very young. After the uncle split from from his wife, Jen was adopted by her mom's new husband and never had contact with her biological dad's family again. She doesn't even remember them. A couple of years ago my DH tried to get in contact with Jen. (He remembered her quite well.) But Jen admitted later that she was quite reluctant to communicate with him because she thought that her biological dad had put him (my DH) up to it - and she really wanted nothing to do with her dad after he had stalked her a few years prior.
So my point is, your aunt may be suspicious of your attempts to contact her or she just may want nothing to do with that part of her family. If you really want to connect with that side of the family, you might try her children. But, peronally, I think I would stop reaching out to them for awhile. Instead focus on those around you.
I'm fortunate NOT to have all the family issues/drama you have. But, your comment about how your aunt has refused/ignored all communcation attempts from you is a little familiar.
One of my DH's uncles is estranged from the family. He had a daughter ("Jen") who the family only had contact with her when she was very young. After the uncle split from from his wife, Jen was adopted by her mom's new husband and never had contact with her biological dad's family again. She doesn't even remember them. A couple of years ago my DH tried to get in contact with Jen. (He remembered her quite well.) But Jen admitted later that she was quite reluctant to communicate with him because she thought that her biological dad had put him (my DH) up to it - and she really wanted nothing to do with her dad after he had stalked her a few years prior.
So my point is, your aunt may be suspicious of your attempts to contact her or she just may want nothing to do with that part of her family. If you really want to connect with that side of the family, you might try her children. But, peronally, I think I would stop reaching out to them for awhile. Instead focus on those around you.
I've thought about that too. She may just
be reluctant to talk to me because she doesn't
want any way for my nana to get in contact with
her. And my cousins are only 5 - 8, so there's
no way I can talk to them unless she's willing
to let me to. I do think you're right though.
I have to focus on myself and the friends and
family that I'm fortunate enough to have in my
life right now.
"One of the hardest moments in life is deciding when to give up..."
Am I wrong for wanting to be a family again?
Because of what he's said, my step
