[Victoria.]

Hey there. After almost eight months of not logging in, I'm back to say: I'm scared.

I don't know when my "healthy journey" stopped being healthy. I know that I've always entertained anorexic thoughts (I had never acted upon them though).
But during the past few months I've been going in and out of fasts (3 or 4 days at a time, only drinking water), then I would take one or two days to "recover" and start again.

Today I broke my own record of fasting, six days (almost seven) without eating anything. And I only broke it this morning because I was feeling extremely light-headed. And what scares me the most is that, even though I still feel horrible, I haven't eaten anything since the banana I ate this morning. I don't know why I'm doing this, but I can't seem to stop.

I know it's not good for my body, my brain even. I've been feeling dizzy, weak, unfocused, my grades have been dropping. I've been neglecting college and my job. I'm always alternating between bouts of intense heat and being chilled to the bone. Always bathed in cold sweat, clammy. I sleep eight hours at night and three-hours naps in the afternoon. My calves shake all the time and at night it takes me ages to fall asleep because my heart is constantly beating like crazy.
Lately my friends have been telling me that I look yellow.

And I'm scared, because I know. I know it's bad but I can't stop.
I'm still at a healthy weight, around 115lbs last time I checked. But if I keep this on, I'm going to be terribly sick.

This started as a good thing, but I became obsessed with my weight and it's not good anymore.

I just...I can't tell my friends, because it's embarrassing. And I live alone, my parents haven't spoken to me in ages, and it's not like I can go to them now. But I want help, I want to get better, I want to stop doing this to my body.

I'll try to eat something tonight and see if the dizziness goes away, and force myself to stick to a meal plan, but I don't know if it's going to work in the long way.


Do you have any advice? To get out of this, to get better?

Thank you,
Victoria.


---EDIT
I'm back. Made myself some veggie and oats soup. I'm feeling 1000 times better. Also, I saw there's sticky with info about ED, so I'm reading those now. Sorry if this post is redundant.

[lemonthyme]

I’m sorry you are struggling. If I read this right you are in college - can you go to the nurse or the college health department for a referral? I’ve never had an eating disorder, but I had a babysitter growing up who did and it was a constant struggle for her well into her 40s. Get help now if you can please! Once you start having heart issues you can cause further issues for your body. It’s trying to fire and doesn’t have the energy to do so correctly. Take care of you and if you do see a doctor for the physical symptoms and the loss you’ve gotten to, they will probably also refer you to a therapist to help with the mental health aspect - possible reasons why etc and help get your thoughts going on a safer and healthy approach.

please seek help, you read as being young and have a whole long life to live.

[superwoman33]

Someone I know went through something similar in their teens and it caused long lasting effects. My friend did not even get into a unhealthy weight, she just did this as "maintenance". But after a just a short while, their body went into like a preservation mode and they lost about half of my hair, eyes became sunken in and it created a lot of digestion issues. Although they fully recovered pretty quickly, these issues never went away fully. It's good that you are talking about it now but make it a priority to deal with this before you start running into health problems because they will come a lot sooner than you think. If you are doing this for a better appearance just remember that overweight and healthy looks a lot better than thinning hair, sunken eyes and yellow skin.

[Elenawonder22]

Im sorry for what you are going through that must be so difficult but never loose hope just keep going

[Oppaloopa]

If money or lack of insurance is a issue Please go to OA and pick a sponsor they can help you more than anyone on here