I've never really had an eating disorder so I'm not sure if what I'm experiencing now is the beginnings of one or not.

About a week ago, I just got to the point -- after not being able to get back on my diet -- where I was completely disgusted with the way I look & the way I feel. Since then everytime I have eat... even the first bite of something, I get so disgusted with myself that I feel like I can't eat again. But, I'll continue to eat.. just a little, nothing like what I eat before. But by the time I get finished eating, I just feel utterly miserable.

I have two children & am fighting this as much as possible for THEIR sakes.. not mine. Is this the beginning of a disorder? It sure feels like one.

I know this is going to sound stupid, but when I was a teenager I was a mess as far as self image & confidence went. I had a nervous breakdown when I was a child due to the divorce of my parents. I used to do things to get "joint" attention from both of them. I used to try to make myself throw up but I couldn't because I KNEW it was wrong & it would hurt me. I couldn't even do the laxatives either even when I needed them for constipation. As stupid as this sounds I TRIED to have an eating disorder when I was younger but couldn't carry it through.

I don't think you have an eating disorder... I think you're just confused about your self-image and whatnot. I don't think you had an eating disorder when you were young either. I think you were just trying to get attention and vomiting was the only way you could come up with. Bulimia would have been if you ate and then purged because of what you ate or because you disliked yourself or something like that. You would be surprised how many people actually *try* to have eating disorders these days. People have somehow gotten this idea that developing an ed is the 'in' thing to do. I think you could benefit from counselling about your food issues, which you do have, but I don't think you have a fullblown eating disorder. I think it has the potential to develop into one if you don't get help with this, and I think you should make it a priority to get this under control for your kids' sake because they look to you to see how to act.

K.