Anyone else been in a situation where you're active and diet hard and are losing, but your spouse/significant other neither exercises nor eats right? Worse still, they're eating and steadily gaining and are now obese. And, of course, when one member is focused on healthy living and the other is sedentary and an eating-machine, it affects *other* areas of the relationship. So you can't just say, "Well, you can't change them" or "They'll have to change on their own." Conflict is going to inevitably arise and it's going to have to be dealt with. You can tell a guy that he really needs to lose, and he'll grudgingly admit it's true and he'll try to do better, but if a spouse says the same thing to the wife, there will be a good chance that she'll be devastated (i.e. you *really* told her that she was ugly), and she'll cry for days while giving you the silent treatment.

Actually, this is partially what happened for us. Only my husband started first.

I've "dieted" or contemplated it for much of my life. Sometimes it was weeks, often it was half a day. My husband was much closer to a "normal" weight but reached a point that he'd put on about 30 lbs and was developing health issues. He committed to healthier eating and stuck with it pretty well.

I knew I needed to do something. It wasn't news to me. I just wasn't ready to commit. I tried to be encouraging but really kept on doing what I was doing. Finally, the perfect storm of being tired of being tired and achy and a few other things came together for me.

It was about that time that he simply said that he couldn't do it alone. No, he didn't tell me I needed to lose weight. That wasn't news to me...and the man values his life.

We've been motoring along for almost 2 years. He has lost about 30 lbs and would like to lose another 10. Personally, I'm not sure he has 10 more to lose but that isn't my call.

I had substantially farther to go. Chipping away at it slowly but somewhat steadily.

Sorry for the novel....but my first thought in reading your post is that maybe it's about the approach and not a man/woman thing. Asking for my help got me started a LOT faster than telling me I needed to lose weight would have. Actually, had he said that, I may well have continued to eat the way I did before simply out of defiance.

You have to do it for you and it is not fair to expect anyone else to do the same unless they are also doing it for them. If you are lucky, they will support you in your efforts. But even that should not be taken for granted.

Weight loss is not worth losing a marriage over.

I lost my marriage over much more important sh!t than weight.

I never denied any of this. I said that this issue will affect other areas of the relationship negatively, and they simply can't be ignored.

Then I would first ask whether weight is really the issue behind those negative areas of the relationship that cannot be ignored.

For example, I had more sex with my wife at 281lbs than I did at 180. We went out more too!

I think this can get very tricky.

Perhaps you should go with Vickie's suggestion: Ask your spouse for *help* in your healthy living journey. Tell her you need assistance.

She's your spouse, so you know what motivates her best. Would she be motivated if you planned a resort vacation (i.e. bathing suits!) for six months into the future? Would she be motivated to "prove herself" with a Tough Mudder style run? Would she be motivated by a charity that she loves (either a charity run or maybe just walking dogs at the local humane society)?

For example, I am very very motivated by any event that requires me to dress for the occasion, be it a wedding, a reunion, or a vacation. If my hubby really wanted me to lose weight, he'd only need to plan a beach trip with us and a bunch of my (skinny) friends.

THIS!
I really wish my husband would have talked to me like this. He went about his journey privately and alone. It was something he had to do for himself and I do understand that. But, doing this together could have bought us closer together. He looks great and I look terrible!

Now, that I have started this journey, I don't feel comfortable talking to him about it. (that is why I'm here) He knows that I'm working on getting my health back, and supportive. For instance, when my treadmill broke, he went out the next day and got me a new one. He is being supportive and I appreciate it. ,,,I'm not sure if anything I said here helps the OP...just rambling on...dealing with stuff myself I guess... But, just approach it as a life style change that "we" need to make to be healthy and live a better healthier life.
(Plan a victory vacation )

Minnie, don't be surprised when the day comes that you do feel comfortable talking to him about it...or even asking for his help. Sometimes those can be little conversations that open the door for bigger ones.

When I decided to join my husband in what he was doing, I didn't announce it to him or to anyone. I'm really not sure why. Perhaps I've had so many false starts that I was afraid to verbally commit. It almost felt like I had to get my approach straight in my own mind before I discussed it with anyone.

I'm really glad your husband is being supportive. It's interesting to me that of the three women/wives here, none of us feel like confrontation would have started us.

Nor the guy here neither. You have to do this for you. Otherwise it (probably) won't work/stick.

.....and we're unanimous!

I think health and weight are very personal things. Good for you if you want to take steps to be healthy, but that doesn't mean that you have a right to judge others who don't want to live the same lifestyle. It might impact on some aspects of your relationship but at the end of the day I think unconditional love and acceptance is more important than a difference in lifestyle choices. If my partner judged me for my weight or lack of exercise it would be much more detrimental to my health.

Trying to understand what you're saying here...you've lost weight and now you think your spouse is fat and unattractive and you can't bear to have sex with them anymore?

This is absolutely bs. The fact that you actually believe this, likely based on you and your wife, shows that you make such sweeping general assumptions. You really should re-evaluate that.

My husband is obese and has stayed that way as I have gained and lost with each pregnancy. I have tried everything to get him on board when I am losing pregnancy weight, so we can do it together. He has not reacted how you describe men do, at all. And I am kind of a hard a$$ and I don't even need someone pointing out I need to lose. I bring it up, to the point that hubby and others have told me I am too critical of myself. Within a week or two of my 4th baby, I was on my own *** about weight loss, and people were quiet surprised that I wasn't just focusing on taking care of a newborn, toddler and two older children. So sorry I don't fit your idea of a pathetic, emotionally distraught woman.

I used to think my husband's weight bothered me. But I realized it wasn't his weight. He's been about 100 lbs over weight for nearly 10 years and only one time is attempted to lose it. About 2 years ago, he started making an effort to exercise and make healthy choices. And let me tell you, he became *instantly* attractive to me again. It had zero to do with weight all along....

I am turned off by laziness, not just health wise, but education, goals, career and life. My DH is very motivated in school and career, and I find that very attractive. He doesn't let stuff go to sh!t around the house either. He says he's going to fix something or whatever, he gets it done as soon as he can. I find that very attractive. Because I'm a go getter, I don't want to be with someone that procrastinates, lets life happen to them and just slugs around all day...
It wasn't the weight it self but how he just couldn't be bothered taking care of his health. All he needs to do is make healthy choices, and exercise regularly. In fact I think it would have been easier to deal with him trying and trying, but "failing" (though I hate to say fail, because if you are trying you are not failing, but for lack of a better term) anyway if he were just trying at least and not a pound came off, that would make all the difference to me anyway...

I'm guessing your wife has made the topic off limits by playing the victim. SOunds like you can't approach her about this, but it bothers you. Is it really her weight, or the way she is handling this whole issue? What if she was like "yeah I'm over wieght, but was obviously putting in the effort to lose, and the effort to address obstacles...

That's the other thing. If someone keeps "trying" but they keep hitting the same pit falls and never try a new strategy to get around those obstacles to weight loss...I find that just as annoying...not just weight loss but any goal in life. I can't stand people just being like "oh well I keep trying but I can't because..." They should be trying XYZ to get past that obstacle...just keep trying...

Anyway maybe that's not the issue for you, but I thought I give you my experience with it.

And please lay off assuming how every man or woman would react to something...that is so dependent on the individual...

^THIS^

This is pure evil genius, lol! That would certainly do it for me too! Just give me enough time to lose the weight, and I'd be in!