My husband and I are both very overweight, and yet we've both given and will probably continue to find ourselves giving each other "that look."

We don't mean to, because we know how discouraging it can feel, but it's just so very frustrating to you see your partner making a choice that seems to be leading them away from where they (and we) want them to be.


Are those looks unfair and judgemental? You bet, but sometimes it's hard to be perfectly supportive, especially because it's so much easier to see and judge someone else's questionable choices than our own.


Talking with him about the looks and how they make you feel might help, especially if you can stay calm and nonjudgemental yourself. If you're angry or defensive, talking about it can easily turn into the kind of argument that hurts you both.

Sometimes though, talking doesn't help, because so often the look is unintentional, and the "looker" doesn't even realize that their (uncharitable, but completely normal) thoughts and feelings are written all over their face.

Our situation is a little different, because we both have been guilty of "the look," so we have to forgive each others frustration and annoyance if we want to be forgiven.

I think that's pretty much true in all marriages, but it might be a little easier when "the look" is going both ways, to about the same degree and for the same or similar reasons.

One thing I have to watch out for (and I'm not saying this is what's happening to you), is that I don't assume things. I weigh more than I did when my husband started dating me, and even more now that we are married! Every time he trys to romantically lift me up and he has to groan from the weight, I feel guilty. Every time I try on clothes that used to fit, I feel guilty. When I walk by mirrors, shower, etc.... Everything is guilt. But that's coming from ME, not from him. My husband personally doesn't care how much I weigh as long as I'm healthy. He even offers me treats as he wanta to try them together with me. I end up having to decline them or limit myself, because I end up giving myself the "look". He always calls me his princess and we started our journey to be fit together. (He is in training to be a cop, he doesn't have weight issues just needs muscle and endurance. I wanted to support him by being healthy too, and thought the added goal of weight loss wouldn't hurt since I feel so guilty about it.) I'd first try and separate your guilt from the looks he gives you, so you don't just crush yourself with these negative feelings (it's something I struggle with too!)

Unlike my husband though, it sounds like yours does give the looks, probably because he's already working out as you say. I'd definitely say something to him about it and I really like what Kaplods said about how to approach the discussion.

I'd also suggest really discussing your goals and how you're approaching things. When I first started working out with my husband (we were only dating back then) I did everything with him, his way, and I just hated it. It wasn't doing ANYTHING for my body, etc. But that's what my husband was used too. When I finally decided to approach things for myself in a way that would benefiet me (while still being available to support him), I started getting results. And though my husband supported me, he never really " understood " why I was doing things differently since he'd only seen me doing it his way before. He thought my swimming workouts were less work, was worried I wouldn't eat enough, etc.

It took sitting down explaining, and then re-explaining every few days what I was doing for him to understand. It took him joining me in the pool to see what I was really doing and how I was pushing myself. I had to show him some of the meals I was eating when he wasn't around so he could see the good food I was eating, and me explaining over and over that a girl barely over five feet isn't starving herself if she eats less then a working man over six feet tall.

Showing him your plan, what you're allowing yourself, etc, might help him stop the looks because he'll be aware of what you're doing. At least, it helped my husband understand.

Wishing you all the best! I don't think it's wrong to want the looks to dissapear either, as long as there's forgiveness for your husband and you're both willing to listen to eachother. I used to get them from my mom sometimes when I lived at home, so I totally understand how crushing they are.

When I met my husband I weighed around 170. When he left for his tour in Afghanistan we were engaged, and I ate my feelings of misery and got up to 196. By the time he got back home a year later I had gotten myself back on track and got back down to around 175.

Then we got married, and I slowly over about 2 years and a very stressful job situation gained and ended up at 203 lbs. At that point I felt intense shame, and was very depressed and frustrated. I ended up gaining about 15 more pounds before I decided to take control of my decisions. My husband would never give me that look, and I'm so grateful for that. My husband sounds like he has a very similar build to yours. He is 5'11 and hovers around 170-175 lbs, and he is very fit. I'm so grateful to him for not judging me, and being so supportive of my journey to be healthy.

I've been getting "that look" from my family as long as i can remember. My dad is a plastic surgeon, and is very judgmental of "fat" people, and just all physical characteristics of people in general. My grandma is also obsessed with weight. When I talk with her on the phone she always asks about my weight, saying I need to lose weight, etc. My mom is not any better, she always says I need to take better care of myself even when I am, and is very judgy about it. All of their comments always made me feel like binge eating even more, it was never helpful.

The last time my mom made a nasty comment about me not taking care of myself (I had lost 10 lbs at the time and was doing well). I stood up for myself and told her I am working very hard and if she continues to be negative toward me about it I would not continue to speak with her. She was so surprised I stood up to her, she let it go.

I think what might be the most helpful to you is talking with your husband about how his actions are affecting you and your health. Obviously don't blame him for everything, just tell him how it makes you feel when he gives you "that look" etc. When I was miserable with my weight, my husband tried to help by encouraging me to go to the gym, finding workouts for me, etc, and it made me feel like he was judging me. I told him that I appreciated him caring about my health, but that it was making me feel like he didn't love me as I was, and was more of a personal trainer than my husband, and that I just need him to support me, I needed my husband back. He felt awful that his actions made me feel badly, that was never his intention, and he was been wonderfully supportive ever since. He cheers me on, but doesn't get more involved in my weight loss than I want him to.

Sometimes an honest conversation can fix a huge problem. I hope that you and your husband can work this out, and congrats on posting here, this forum has been a huge help to me, I hope it can be for you too.

I agree with what's been said here. Talk with him but do so in a calm way. He may not even be aware he's giving you any sort of look, and I'd be willing to bet he doesn't have a clue as to how it's making you feel.

I also second the whole, try and make sure you aren't projecting things onto others. I'm guilty of doing it.. I automatically assume the worst. There have been a few times when my boyfriend has said "should you be eating that?" to me. It's rare, but it's happened. My first thought was that he hates me eating it because I'm fat.. but after I calm down and think about it, I can remind myself that I actually asked him to not let me get certain things if I start talking about them when I first started dieting because certain foods were a real problem. Once I'd been away from them for a while I found some restraint and was able to eat the items without going on a binge fest. He didn't know that though, and just saw me eating something I had told him to say something about. Basically he was trying to be supportive, and that's the only thing he really knew to do. We've since talked about it and now he basically just celebrates my accomplishments with me.

Your husband may also be trying to be supportive in a bit of a backwards way. I've found a ton of people think negative reinforcement is the best way to go, even though studies have been done that show the exact opposite (it actually supports gaining). Best thing to do is talk! I wish you luck.

In my experience, those kinds of shaming looks or comments, no matter how well-intentioned, have never been helpful. You're already being plenty hard on yourself, you don't need other people to join in on the shame-party.

I think you need to have a little chat with your husband. Tell him that you're aware of your weight gain, and he doesn't need to remind you of it because that will only backfire and make you want to eat more.

(I recently had a little chat with my own husband to let him know I was very unhappy with myself these days. He's never been into trying to shame me, but I wanted him to know I could use a little extra support, fewer treats around the house, etc. It was really helpful!)

Then, do something about it, even if it's just one small thing to start with. You're not the first woman to gain weight after getting married and you won't be the last. I met my husband when I'd lost the most weight I'd ever lost. I did it on my own and maintained the loss for quite some time. But after the wedding, I slowly started gaining weight and then we added some kids to the mix, and I gained with each of them. But for the longest time after we got married, the last thing I felt I needed was to join Weight Watchers or something, because I didn't need the support! I managed to lose weight the first time without any help! Eventually it dawned on me: I didn't need the support when I was single and didn't have other people bringing junk into the house and eating up all my free time. But my life had changed and now, I needed support and that was okay. So I joined Weight Watchers. I haven't lost weight lately, but I'm pretty sure without WW I'd have gained quite a bit.

And I agree that it's entirely possible the birth control is contributing. Perhaps consider talking to your doctor about alternatives.

Finally, stop beating yourself up! It will get better when you're ready.

I sometimes get that look from my husband too. He doesn't understand the need to stress eat like I do. It would never occur to him to eat a whole bag of chips or slice after slice of bread if he was upset about something which is exactly what I do. :/

And now he knows better than to say anything about it. If he questions what I'm eating, I lose my mind and then continue to eat and eat more. Obviously I have issues but it frustrates me to no end that he doesn't get it no matter how I try to explain it. I guess maybe I don't understand why I do it either but I always have done it.

This is very soon to be happening after just getting married. So my warning bells are ringing. I need to get that out the gate. Sorry for saying it. I just had to.

So the bottom line is you need to fix this, either through modifying his behavior or changing how you feel about the whole thing.

I would speak to him about it and how this is making you feel.

And, yes, you must lose the weight for you. Other people can be a motivation but you must have the fire in your belly.

1. Shame is a useless emotion.

2. Guilt is a useless emotion.

1 and 2 serve no positive purpose.

Shame and guilt are how other people have figured out, that you will allow them to manipulate you.

3. Communication. You are not happy with the current situation. Your DH is giving you the look, you feel yukky.

STOP!

The look is because he cares. It may seem on the surface as guilt and shame, but really deep down, he cares. He loves you, he married you and wants you to be the best you can be. But, the 2 of you are not communicating what you really feel or what you really need from each other.

Marriage is a long haul! Been with the same one for 37 years.

Some of it has sucked! Some ok. After all these years, it's much better. We still disagree sometimes. But, we've learned how to communicate! Sometimes we just agree to disagree. Sometimes we agree. He does things he likes, I don't go, I hate that. I do things I like he does not go, he hates that. We don't hold those things against each other. And we do things together too!