I'm just so depressed right now. No matter what I do these days it seems my weight just keeps going up. I've gained over 10lbs since June and about 15% of my bodyweight from my lowest weight. I feel gross, I don't feel like myself and I just needed a place to vent.

A little about me:

I'm in my mid 20s. My highest weight was 210. I got down to 155 about 4 years ago and stayed within 5 pounds of that for 18 months. When I lost the weight I was on 2000mg of met and slowly weaned off it towards the end of my weight loss and was not on it at any point during those 18 months. I ate tons of carbs, tons of pasta when I lost weight and this was all towards the end of university. When I went home to live with my parents and work I continued to count calories (about 1500 as I was still trying to lose weight), workout and ate generally much more healthy than I had alone at university.

About 18 months later my family and I went on vacation. I gained some weight (as expected) and by the beginning of May I was up 4-6lbs. By the end of may I was back down to 158-160lbs and decided I was going to try and really commit myself to losing weight again. I'd been doing CrossFit for about 8 months at this point and decided to "go paleo".

By the beginning of July I was 168lbs. I freaked out (as you can imagine) and went right back to counting calories. My weight fluctuated a bit for another year and I still hovered around 170. Finally I decided to meet with a weight loss specialist person who recommended I switch up my meal timing a bit (5 meals a day instead of 3-4) and cut out dairy and grains for 30 days as these can negatively affect people with PCOS. So I did that. I lost weight the first week or two and then...

By the end of 3 months with her I was up to 178lbs and had started binging again. So now I'm really freaking out.

All year (from October 2012 - Spring 2013) I experimented with different eating styles because I just couldn't get the weight off. I tried to do 2 Whole 30s (a very strict paleo program), the first time I binged like crazy halfway through and the second time I completed with pretty much no positive results.

So back to counting calories I went. By fall 2013 I was into the 180s (182-184). I finally went back to the doctor to test my thyroid (which came back normal) and she agreed to put me on metformin again.

I got down to around 174 over the next year but continued to fluctuate like crazy and honestly felt like I was losing nothing until I noticed the trend on Fitness Pal. In June, I called my mom crying one day because I was in so much pain from my period and I'm severely anemic from heavy blood loss. Because I was going to Europe for a month and starting a very intensive internship program in the fall I decided I couldn't keep living like this every month and went to the doctor again to see about the pill. She put me on Marvelon.

As of today I am 185lbs and I feel like absolute crap. I'm bloated, I never feel hungry, none of my clothes fit and my stomach is huge. I work out 5 days a week, 3 of intense circuit training and 2 of running, and try to eat a reasonable number of calories (between 1500 and 1700 most days) but I just don't seem to have any self control to keep it lower than that. I haven't eaten lower than that in years (I averaged around 1400 during my weight loss). I'm so frustrated, I'm so devastated, I just want to be back to where I was a few years ago. Sure, I still had 10lbs I wanted to drop, but I felt *good* for the most part; I felt good in pictures, good in clothes, I just wanted to lean out a bit more.

I don't know what to do. I feel like the birth control pill is screwing me up but I can't imagine having that horrible pain and such heavy bleeding and still having to function in a professional capacity. I don't know what to do, I don't know who else to see, I just am so confused. I never feel hungry anymore and I know I was always hungry for my meal when I was losing weight originally. But I always just feel gross now.

If you found it in you to read through my entire post I very much appreciate it and would appreciate any advice anyone has to give!

I think first and foremost, you need to start being kind to yourself. PCOS is not easy to deal with and weight fluctuations are going to be part of the normal course of dealing with the disease. Look at all the posts here and how people not only lose weight slowly, but also gain it very quickly! I've been essentially maintaining because I can't get past 160!

Secondly, I think you need to go back to Paleo, but not Whole30. I do Paleo as well, and I find that dairy and grains are the devil for me. If you lost weight doing Paleo, then you know that the diet works for you. But you also learned that if you do strict Paleo like Whole30, you're going to binge. Don't let yourself binge -- that will take you off track and I find that coming off track makes it harder to get back on.

Secondly, change your mind about your weight loss and diet. This is not a temporary situation -- this is how you will eat for the rest of your life. So, if you have dessert one night, that doesn't mean you can order pizza at midnight or eat pancakes the next morning covered in maple syrup. It just means you had dessert ONE night and the next morning you'll eat a happy and healthy Paleo breakfast. Break the binging cycle!

The other thing I recommend is to really analyze your workout routine. It took me YEARS, but I finally learned that I cannot out-exercise my poor eating habits. I cannot exercise so much to burn those cookies or that cake or the pizza... I have to exercise for other reasons -- to tone my body, to be healthy cardiovascularly, to relax, for fun...

The thing to take into consideration is that PCOS doesn't react well to stress or lack of sleep. You need that to better balance your blood sugar.

If Metformin worked, get back on Metformin. And you may find that as you lose weight, you will be okay getting off the BCP as well. I didn't think I could -- every doctor uses it as the cureall for womanly troubles -- but I discovered I was getting my period and even ovulating once in a while by managing my weight and exercising for stress-relief.

I still exercise almost every day -- but I don't kill myself doing it or count calories that I burn or do exercise that I don't like.

Have I reached my goal weight many years later? No. But I know I'm healthier and happier and my PCOS is under control.

You can do it. Be kind to yourself first. Don't beat yourself up for the weight gain. Just pick a plan you can do, take baby steps until it all becomes a habit, and adjust your plan as needed.

Thanks for your kind words, Rana. I'm very hard on myself and definitely feel like a failure for having back slid for no reason.

It's funny you said "don't do a Whole30" because I was totally thinking about doing it as a "reset", but you're right. It's so triggering for me. So I'm glad you said that. The thing is, Paleo never worked for me for weight loss. Not really. A few pounds here and there but never long term and never for more than a few consecutive weeks. I was also starving all the time when it did work and working out twice a day so I'm thinking it was a calorie deficit more than anything else...

What I am considering doing is kind of a "gradual" paleo, cutting out the most processed carbs for example (breads, pastas, etc.) and only using things like quinoa, rolled oats, etc and seeing how I feel. I don't really eat all that much dairy anyway, save for a little bit of cheese and occasionally some Greek yogurt, so I figured I'd start with grains... And then depending on how I feel I can try cutting more out instead of just diving straight into paleo.

I had a bit of breakdown this week when I saw the scale hit 189. I couldn't even fathom being back in the 190s. That's where it all really started. I got rid of my birth control and will go to the doctor on one of my vacation weeks and consider trying another brand. But for now I'll take an iron supplement, wear a backup pad all day and tough it out for the sake of 15lbs.

I actually love my workout routine. I love running for the most part, I've got another half marathon next year, and I love my circuit training workouts. The gym is a very positive experience for me. I feel strong and empowered, regardless of how big or small I am. I've always been fairly athletic and the gym always makes me feel good. I think added muscle mass was responsible for the initial 10-12 pound weight gain (at least, partially) because at the weight I am now I am a smaller size than I was the last time I was at this weight.

I've also started reading a book about Binge Eating Disorder to try and get myself in a better headspace.

Thank you for taking the time to read through this entire post and respond so thoroughly. I truly appreciate it. It sounds like you're in a good place with your PCOS, which is where I hope to be back to sooner than later.

I'm in the midst of dealing with my PCOS and trying to get on a routine that works well for me so these two paragraphs really stood out and I couldn't agree more.

If you are willing to suffer through horrible experiences on birth control and metformin (that stuff was AWFUL for me) then give cutting grains and super starchy veggies a try. I'm all for ways to feel better without medication as they always have side effects.

I recently started seeing a reproductive endocrinologist for my PCOS. She has a study that should be published later this month. I'll try to find and link it when available. However, she isn't advocating prescriptions but rather a way of eating that reduces sugars, diary and starches. I'm trying to stick to it as best I can but like everything, it's difficult to learn a new way of eating. Based upon what you've said, your eating is already in a better place than mine was so you may have better success sticking to it than I have.

PCOS sucks. Just remember how difficult it is and try not to let it get you down. It's definitely an ongoing learning process. Best of luck!

Thanks XLMuffinTop. It's nice to know Im' not going through this alone.

I stopped counting calories this weekend and I already feel better.

I was going to say, it looks to me like counting calories really worked for you and paleo didn't. So, is there a way you could count calories but pay more attention to your macronutrients and how they affect your hunger levels?

But if you're feeling better not counting calories, then I'd say stick with that. It's important to feel good physically. So do what's really working best.

Calories did work really well for me in the past, but I also found lately it's been kind of triggering for binges. I come home and I'm plugging things into my phone with one hand and stuffing my face with another. It's within my calories but it's definitely not healthy, thoughtful behaviour. So taking a break from this has been good, I think. At least for now.

Also, this may be a placebo effect, but I already feel better having stopped my birth control. I think I just needed a break from being obsessive.