I can't stand these type of people. I need advice & tips on how to deal with them.
After the wedding, my husband took us all on a trip around the resort island and ended it with a stop at the souvenir store.
While everyone took only 1 or 2 items, this one aunt and her son took 10.
My husband paid for everything because it's his treat.
My husband is a kind generous person that enjoys making people happy especially family members.
But it angers me to see certain persons taking advantage of his kindness & it embarasses me as well because this aunt was from my family.
I know this woman. Her attitude & ungrateful behavior irks me. She would say "Is this what I only get?" when you gave her a gift.
She has no friends and the people who are nice to her, she take advantage of them until they avoid her.
Then she patiently wait until they become nice again and the cycle repeats.
She has a son, a typical partygoer hipster who's glued to his phone 24/7 and is as greedy entitled ungrateful as his mom.
Husband wants to invite them again on our next holiday.
How to make sure the greedy behavior doesn't happen again?
looking forward to get your advice & suggestions
Put a cap on your offers. It's not rude, it's just reasonable. If you have someone that you know takes advantage in your group, and you want to buy everyone... say a drink. You can limit it at the start to you will buy one round of pitchers. This limits the drink type and the drink. Or you can say you'll buy ONE round of drinks. That's all.
If someone gets snooty with "You're only buying one drink?" You can respond 1 of a few ways:
1) Make a joke and say if people want more, next round is on her! We can all take turns!
2) Tell her yes, you want to take people out, but you can't afford to be that much of a frivolous spender, so you're limiting it.
3) Ignore the comment completely, buy the one round and let her seep in her greed.
4) Just answer her question. And say "Yes, just one round! I was thinking a pitcher of the mohito's, they have GREAT mohitos!" Then carry on as if she had merely asked a question, instead of basically stating she wanted more than one drink from you.
Some people in my family are the same way. They love when someone else offers to pay, and then get greedy when they arrive. I've learned to limit the spending. Like at the gift shop I'd say I'd only buy 2 items per person, and if someone walked up with ten, I'd tell them to pick the two that they wanted me to buy and then make sure the other 8 were on a separate tab. Do this enough, they get the hint that when you limit the purchase, you are limiting the purchase. Just do it tactfully and gracefully, and pick your battles. Sometimes it's not worth it.
I once brought some family to a dinner, and said I'd buy. One member I knew had a habit of taking advantage, and I didn't expect her to order appetizers, lobster, 5-6 drinks, as well as dessert! Her bill was easily two of my other members combined. I just paid it, because in that instance, I was enjoying time with family, I didn't set limits (which I knew would cause her to add what ever she wanted), and I was all ready expecting to pay a lot. It was a nice time with family.
Finally, if it causes you stress and anger almost every time you're around your aunt, then just limit the time you spend with her and keep it simple when you do spend time. Like invite her for dinner, where you're cooking. It's hard for her to pile on expenses if the meal was all ready cooked. Or ask if you can go to her place for coffee. If neither of those scenario's work, then I guess big family gathering are the only time you'll spend with her, and just limit the gifts in general. Last resort, is be direct with her. If being kind, avoiding her, limiting expenses, keeps her taking advantage and making you crazy. Tell her how you feel, let her know it feels like she's taking advantage and that that upsets you. Tell her you care about her, but she makes it hard to spend time with her because you know she's going to demand more from you. Let her know you don't appreciate it, and if she can keep the greed at bay, you'd love to keep having her around, but if she can't, you may not see her as often as you use to.
kurisitaru
thank you for the advice, it's very helpful to me!
actually besides my aunt, there's my mom & brother who also behave similar
since they are from low economy budget, i actually planned to give them a certain amount of cash allowance to buy their own gifts at the souvenir gift shop.
but because of being hectic with wedding details, i forgot to give the cash.
yesterday i counted & realize that the cash amount is similar to the amount they spent on at the souvenir shop.
next time if we take them along on holidays i will hand them cash allowance in advance for sure to avoid the greed.
i don't understand why do people behave like this? don't they have a heart? don't they have shame?
me and my husband are not rich but my husband want to make the family happy and likes to treat & gift them within his budget.
I don't get people either. It's not lie we owe them anything. Weddings, in general, the guests bring a gift not the bride and groom buy everyone a gift at a gift shop free-for-all. I mean sure, we give out favors, but after supplying the food, alcohol, and little favors, don't think we need to take everyone to a gift shop. If we do, then why on earth would one decide to stock up?
I've been poor before. I've had family in town and they want to go out, and I honestly couldn't afford it. I've told them I would cook, but couldn't go out. Maybe we could just get coffee? They would insist on a restaurant and that they would pay. Some members, paid. Nothing went wrong. I was conservative in my ordering and drank water. Graciously said thank you. Now that I make a lot, I take them out. Everyone wins.
Ugh, then there was this one time.. a cousin was graduating in Florida. I couldn't afford the tickets, and just wanted to send a card. I had an aunt insist I go. She said she'd cover hotel+flight+meals. After the trip, she tells me the total that I owe her. I was like... I was so honest when I said I can't afford to go. You bullied me into it, and offered to pay. I accepted after reassuring you were paying. And now I get a bill? I wound up paying her back, I just sold all of my video games and sold blood for 4 weeks, oh...and didn't eat that month. No big deal, right?
Another aunt insisted on going out to dinner. I did the "I'd love to COOK something! Come over to my house, I'll make you food!" She insisted on a restaurant. I told her I was flat broke. She insisted, she'd pay. She takes us to a pricey little bistro. I asked if she was certain about paying. She insisted. She even insisted I get a drink after I asked for only water. So I did. Next thing I know the bill comes and while I'm getting ready to say how nice the evening is and next time I'll have to come up with a way to treat her, she grabs the waiter and tells him we're splitting the bill! I literally had $5 in my checking account when this happened. I asked if I could write a check.... the guy was annoyed, but ok. The next morning I had to go to work and beg for my tips in advance and then RAN to the bank to make a cash deposit. Luckily the check wasn't deposited for a few days, nothing bounced. But I almost missed rent. I had to sell some items, pick up extra hours, sell blood (my go to), and wound up eating rice for a whole 2 weeks because that was all I could afford.
These aunts asked me out after that, and I've literally just said "Not after what happened last time. Do you realize you bullied me into going out, after I was SO HONEST about how broke I was? You didn't take no for an answer, you INSISTED I go out. You begged and offered to pay because you thought that was the only thing holding me back. And then the check comes and you screw me. You want to hang out? I for some reason will be busy the next few visits. Find something else to entertain yourself!"
I took a few months of me giving them the cold shoulder before I finally forgave them both. I forgave, but never forgot. If we go out, I make sure I split the check, and I have approved the venue. Thankfully after finishing school I don't struggle so much to have money, but it was rough for a while. I also make sure that if they offer to pay, that I tell them "You aren't paying, we both know you're not paying." The one that screwed me at dinner thinks I was being harsh. I told her I had mentioned $5 in my account, she insists, to this day, that I was lying. That "No one ever has that little money in their account." Because part time minimum wage while attending school and having ZERO family support allows for a good savings, right?
Last edited by kurisitaru; 10-02-2014 at 11:19 PM.
If it's your mother then you can set limits with her privately before hand. It should be a private conversation and tell her that although you're footing the bill that she should reciprocate by not taking advantage because it makes her look greedy.
With your aunt, I would limit the amount of interaction you have with her. It's not worth it to have the private conversations when you can easily push her out of your life little by little. You don't owe anyone anything. Let this one thing go, your husband offered to buy souvenirs and she thought she was well within her rights. Don't let it bother you, especially since it didn't bother him. Relish the thought that you have a husband who is sincere and gracious and generous! That's more important and it's something you should celebrate.
When you make an offer to buy something buy dinner, you're putting the other person in a position to reciprocate in some way. It could be with manners, gratitude, a similar offer etc. Basically, you're expecting something back. But you have to be prepared that what you get back might not be what you wanted. But you made the offer, you can't reneg because then you're in the wrong imo. You offered, you paid, that was the deal. Maybe don't offer next time. And don't spend too much time with people who take take take.
My MIL is like that, it's all take take take with her. It's awful being in public with her especially at a dinner or a social event because she acts as if she's NEVER seen food before in her entire life. The way a homeless person eats after they haven't eaten in 10 days is the way she eats in public. She's like a vaccuum, her mouth is totally stuffed is always looking around to find what else she can eat. She'll take whatever isn't nailed down, sugar packets, cups she likes, if it's on the table it will probably end up in her purse. At a wedding recently we were at a table with several other people. A family of 3 got up to leave early before the dinner was served. And after they left my MIL ordered the waiter to bring her their meals wrapped up in to-go boxes! It was mortifying. She chases down the hors dourvres trays, visits the buffet several times, and talks with her mouth full. Hubby is pretty embarassed by her, I used to ask him if he wanted to invite his mother out and he always refused. I don't bother asking anymore, we just go and visit her at her house, he's too embarassed to take her out. I know it's because she grew up dirt poor, maybe she went hungry as a child but I know lots of people who didn't have a lot of money and somehow they all learned not to talk with their mouth full.
Last edited by Palestrina; 10-03-2014 at 08:26 AM.
Let your husband make the call and don't worry too much about it. All families have people like these in them. And while they can be annoying, they sometimes offer extremely unexpected offers of kindness and generosity.
I can list several members of my family who behave just the same but have saved my @rse completely unexpectedly when I was in a real pinch.
Let this one go. And pick your battles. Life's too short.
People who take advantage of kindness
