I will preface this post by saying that my marriage is on the rocks and I know that my weight is effecting it in many different ways, not just the most obvious ways like lack of motivation or intimacy with my husband.
There is a pervasive bitterness to my weight loss. I know that I should lose weight because it is healthy. I also know that it is a huge wedge in my marriage and I get very angry with my husband because of this, although I guess his lack of sensitivity or his know-it-all attitude about how I should lose the weight, is really secondary to my own dissatisfaction with myself.
However, something happened the other day that made me about die inside and I know that it really made my husband feel badly.
We have an above ground where you have to climb the ladder. My sons and husband wanted me to come in the pool with them yesterday. I said no. At first I made the excuse that I had other things to do. (True but they weren't necessary to do right away). My husband kept at me until I was "sort of honest" and said I didn't like how I looked in the bathing suit. He said that he didn't care (untrue) but if I was that worried about it to just come in and shorts and shirt. (as if that isn't humiliating) He kept at it for so long that I finally exploded and told him the truth which is that I would gladly wear a swimsuit at a crowded beach (and be mildly emotionally uncomfortable) than wear a bathing suit or go in the water with him alone in our pool because I know that he, the man I love, hates my body. He looked stricken, and said that really made him feel bad. And I said, "That's your problem."
God, I am such a witch. I am the one that gained the weight. I am the one to put him in the position to have to tip toe around my feelings. No matter what he says, it's never the right thing...
I don't know what is WRONG with me....the solution seems so simple....
Most definitely. However therapy seems to be falling in the same category as food lately. How dare people say that I need therapy, excercise, a healthy diet...what do they know anyway. Ugh. I KNOW they are trying to help and I actively shut it down...
Is he disparaging about your weight? If yes, and emotions are tricky topic to discuss for you two, the emotional outburst would make sense. At least you realize the way you said it was inappropriate, especially in front of your children. But it's not beyond comprehension.
I'm wondering if this is a you problem or a you two problem. What is the weight wedge in your marriage? What is his lack of sensitivity?
Re: Maui - In my personal opinion, people should go to therapy as a mental health requirement credit as a part of high school!!! I think therapy is wonderful. Therapy is helpful if you don't know how to talk to each other and for your own peace of mind, too. You are more than your fat or lack of fat!
You are mad at yourself so you are lashing out at him. I've been there (several times).
For my husband, yes, some of it was appearance, but more, he was worried for my health - my LONG term health. He wants a partner he can do things with and grow old with. That wasn't going to happen if I stayed so heavy. And, when I'm eating carbs (yes it is the sugar) and heavy, I'm in a funk. I'm sadder, less active... a real "joy" to be around.
I can't SEE it when I'm in it, but I can as soon as I start to get out of it. Like you, I get mad at him for not seeing me for ME and accepting the fat me... but as SOOOOOOON as I started to take care of myself I realize it's not him at all - it's 100% me.
PLEASE don't throw away a marriage over this. Start with baby steps and then once you get going, you'll blossom and so will your marriage.
While in ways I envy people and marriages that say, "He didn't treat me any differently when I was fat or thin." I wonder how that is possible? If "I" were the same person, I could see that, but I'm NOT the same person when I'm eating poorly and very overweight. "I" change.... he doesn't.
And yes, every time I start I get a bit mad and feel, "I'll show him. I'll get skinny and find someone else who can love me FOR ME." but then when I get started I realize I was a real beotch and only feeling loving thoughts towards my husband.
He never really criticizes, but yes.... I can see it in his eyes. I KNOW and that is what makes it hard.
Peach, I want to make it clear that my husband is NEVER verbally disparages me outright. He tries very hard to be verbally supportive. As I mentioned there is a lack of physical intimacy in our marriage. He does not initiate the bedroom type of physical intimacy, but he will hug and kiss (lightly), hold hands, and snuggle. We have had frank talks about why he won't take it further than that. He claims that it is my weight and even though I don't think that is the whole of it, it's the only thing he will admit to. Beyond that he is just very know it all and condescending towards other people with weight issues (like my father). So he never says mean things TO me but he will say things "That person is so lazy. How could they do that to themselves?" While I am standing right there, as big, if not heavier...he will say very cut and dried things like "Nobody who diets and excersises properly has ever failed to lose weight." Like I have some sort of mental defect. It's all very draining.
Most definitely. However therapy seems to be falling in the same category as food lately. How dare people say that I need therapy, excercise, a healthy diet...what do they know anyway. Ugh. I KNOW they are trying to help and I actively shut it down...
So maybe you could ask yourself why you're angry when people suggest good things to you. If people are reaching out from a place of love or concern, why is that bad to you? What is making you perceive it as a bad thing? Are you one of those people who doesn't like to admit that you don't know everything? (I may have some life experience in that arena.) Are you one of those people who doesn't like to accept help? (Ahem...might know about that one too.)
You are mad at yourself so you are lashing out at him. I've been there (several times).
For my husband, yes, some of it was appearance, but more, he was worried for my health - my LONG term health. He wants a partner he can do things with and grow old with. That wasn't going to happen if I stayed so heavy. And, when I'm eating carbs (yes it is the sugar) and heavy, I'm in a funk. I'm sadder, less active... a real "joy" to be around.
I can't SEE it when I'm in it, but I can as soon as I start to get out of it. Like you, I get mad at him for not seeing me for ME and accepting the fat me... but as SOOOOOOON as I started to take care of myself I realize it's not him at all - it's 100% me.
PLEASE don't throw away a marriage over this. Start with baby steps and then once you get going, you'll blossom and so will your marriage.
While in ways I envy people and marriages that say, "He didn't treat me any differently when I was fat or thin." I wonder how that is possible? If "I" were the same person, I could see that, but I'm NOT the same person when I'm eating poorly and very overweight. "I" change.... he doesn't.
And yes, every time I start I get a bit mad and feel, "I'll show him. I'll get skinny and find someone else who can love me FOR ME." but then when I get started I realize I was a real beotch and only feeling loving thoughts towards my husband.
He never really criticizes, but yes.... I can see it in his eyes. I KNOW and that is what makes it hard.
YES. ^This is how I feel. ^ He does say things like "You are sad all the time. You are no fun to be around anymore." I take it as being critical of my weight. And while it is about my weight he's not trying to be critical, he's trying to be honest. The KNOWING thing really hurts. Sometimes I wonder if absolute honesty is all it's cracked up to be..
The KNOWING thing really hurts. Sometimes I wonder if absolute honesty is all it's cracked up to be..
It hurts when you are on the hurtful side of it, but... when he says, "you look great!" or "I'm so proud of you." Or you just SEE it and experience it (like more intimacy) you KNOW that is genuine too. He's not putting on a show for you... but being honest and then that feels GREAT because YOU know it's the truth.
So maybe you could ask yourself why you're angry when people suggest good things to you. If people are reaching out from a place of love or concern, why is that bad to you? What is making you perceive it as a bad thing? Are you one of those people who doesn't like to admit that you don't know everything? (I may have some life experience in that arena.) Are you one of those people who doesn't like to accept help? (Ahem...might know about that one too.)
I don't think I'm generally that person who can't accept constructive critisism (sp?) but I think a lot of times it's a load of BS. If it were so easy to do this that and the other thing why don't they take care of THEIR OWN problems? Why don't they accept MY help? I think I am very sensitive to hypocrisy.
It hurts when you are on the hurtful side of it, but... when he says, "you look great!" or "I'm so proud of you." Or you just SEE it and experience it (like more intimacy) you KNOW that is genuine too. He's not putting on a show for you... but being honest and then that feels GREAT because YOU know it's the truth.
I suppose that is true. If you weren't sure of your husbands feelings when you were large, how would you know how he felt when you make an accomplishment? Very good point.
In my opinion that lack of empathy is disparaging, and it sounds like it may even be passive aggressive. I may not have the whole story though. Does he know how badly it hurts you when he comments on other people's weight? And when he shuns you sexually, blaming it on your weight? Have you discussed it calmly and frankly and specifically said I feel hurt? or whatever it is you feel beyond angry?
I agree you're mad at yourself. We all get grouchy when we feel bad. Maybe something like, hey i know i've been xyz lately, please forgive me. it's bc i feel xyz about myself. i need xyz from you. what do you need from me? And then repeat that convo pretty much daily, at least weekly. pretty soon you'll be supporting each other instead of ripping yourselves apart.
I am in one of those relationships where my hubs treats me no differently now than when we first met. But I treat him the same way, and we work incredibly hard at it. We discuss our feelings AT LENGTH if ever one of us feels the tiniest bit hurt. We work hard at telling the other partner when we are having a hard time ourselves - ie. hey this isn't about you, i'm in a funk, but can you please be extra nice to me right now bc i'm having a hard time pulling myself out of this... We also call each other out when one of us is not seeing the mood we're in - lovingly! babe are you in a bad mood? k i'll leave you alone.
we also see therapists individually to work on ourselves. it only makes the relationship better if you like yourself.
it has taken years to find this place of mutual respect though. and we continue to work at it daily. you have to hold yourself as accountable as you hold him or you'll have a hard time getting there.
In my opinion that lack of empathy is disparaging, and it sounds like it may even be passive aggressive. I may not have the whole story though. Does he know how badly it hurts you when he comments on other people's weight? And when he shuns you sexually, blaming it on your weight? Have you discussed it calmly and frankly and specifically said I feel hurt? or whatever it is you feel beyond angry?
I agree you're mad at yourself. We all get grouchy when we feel bad. Maybe something like, hey i know i've been xyz lately, please forgive me. it's bc i feel xyz about myself. i need xyz from you. what do you need from me? And then repeat that convo pretty much daily, at least weekly. pretty soon you'll be supporting each other instead of ripping yourselves apart.
I am in one of those relationships where my hubs treats me no differently now than when we first met. But I treat him the same way, and we work incredibly hard at it. We discuss our feelings AT LENGTH if ever one of us feels the tiniest bit hurt. We work hard at telling the other partner when we are having a hard time ourselves - ie. hey this isn't about you, i'm in a funk, but can you please be extra nice to me right now bc i'm having a hard time pulling myself out of this... We also call each other out when one of us is not seeing the mood we're in - lovingly! babe are you in a bad mood? k i'll leave you alone.
we also see therapists individually to work on ourselves. it only makes the relationship better if you like yourself.
it has taken years to find this place of mutual respect though. and we continue to work at it daily. you have to hold yourself as accountable as you hold him or you'll have a hard time getting there.
I do try to be honest with him. When he disparages other people's weight and I tell him that it hurts my feelings the response is "Well, you're different." As if he is overlooking my weight because I am so special to him. About physical intimacy he says that he "can't help who he's attracted to and if I would just lose the weight.." then give me a spiel about how so and so woman he read about on google lost 180 lbs without the gym or weight watchers. She just did it all by herself (cuz we can't spend money on those things which might help)...The thing is when will I have lost enough weight to suddenly be attractive to him again? I will work hard to lose 10lbs but it won't make him instantly want me again. The response to that "Well if you were at least trying..."
See one minute I blame myself entirely. The next minute I almost hate my husband...back and forth back and forth...
YES. ^This is how I feel. ^ He does say things like "You are sad all the time. You are no fun to be around anymore." I take it as being critical of my weight. And while it is about my weight he's not trying to be critical, he's trying to be honest. The KNOWING thing really hurts. Sometimes I wonder if absolute honesty is all it's cracked up to be..
It sounds like you're trying to punish yourself AND your husband, because of your weight, and you're creating situations in which everyone loses.
By refusing to get in the pool, you not only deprived yourself of the fun and pleasure of playing in the water with your family, you deprived your husband and your son of that fun and pleasure as well.
How could they not resent your weight when you're using it as a weapon against them and yourself, and as an excuse to grow and nurse your own resentment.
You've gotten caught up in the guilt and punishment whirlpool, and it will only drag you deeper and deeper. The more hate and contempt you have for yourself, the more you assume everyone else has the same hate and contempt for you, and the more you lash out at those you love - making it harder and harder for them to show positive attention to you. Which in turn interpret as a result of your weight (when your attitude may be the bigger issue). It's a resentment punishment cycle that only you can break.
To reverse the downward spiral, you need to forgive yourself and your family for being imperfect human beings. Try to disconnect the association of fat = bad and the idea that you don't deserve anything good in your life until the scale says you can.
You're digging yourself into a depression hole in which you resent everyone and everything, and when you're angry at everything, it only drives you deeper into the hole (and it pulls the people you love into their own depression holes.
Family counseling would help you all start digging out of the depression.
Your husband isn't the enemy. Fat isn't even the enemy. Your bitterness and resentment have become the enemy, not only to yourself but to those who love you. Blaming it all on the weight is convenient, but not true.
I think we're taught to use resentment, bitterness, and anger as the fuel for weight loss, but I think love and cmpassion is a more sustainable and renewable energy source.
If you love and forgive yourself and your family, I think you'll find you'll have more energy for weight loss. Don't let your weight be an excuse for depriving you and your family of positive experiences.
It sounds like you're trying to punish yourself AND your husband, because of your weight, and you're creating situations in which everyone loses.
By refusing to get in the pool, you not only deprived yourself of the fun and pleasure of playing in the water with your family, you deprived your husband and your son of that fun and pleasure as well.
How could they not resent your weight when you're using it as a weapon against them and yourself, and as an excuse to grow and nurse your own resentment.
You've gotten caught up in the guilt and punishment whirlpool, and it will only drag you deeper and deeper. The more hate and contempt you have for yourself, the more you assume everyone else has the same hate and contempt for you, and the more you lash out at those you love - making it harder and harder for them to show positive attention to you. Which in turn interpret as a result of your weight (when your attitude may be the bigger issue). It's a resentment punishment cycle that only you can break.
To reverse the downward spiral, you need to forgive yourself and your family for being imperfect human beings. Try to disconnect the association of fat = bad and the idea that you don't deserve anything good in your life until the scale says you can.
You're digging yourself into a depression hole in which you resent everyone and everything, and when you're angry at everything, it only drives you deeper into the hole (and it pulls the people you love into their own depression holes.
Family counseling would help you all start digging out of the depression.
Your husband isn't the enemy. Fat isn't even the enemy. Your bitterness and resentment have become the enemy, not only to yourself but to those who love you. Blaming it all on the weight is convenient, but not true.
I think we're taught to use resentment, bitterness, and anger as the fuel for weight loss, but I think love and cmpassion is a more sustainable and renewable energy source.
If you love and forgive yourself and your family, I think you'll find you'll have more energy for weight loss. Don't let your weight be an excuse for depriving you and your family of positive experiences.
There is so much in this post that is spot on that I am actually crying. All of you have made really good points. I think I will take a break now, have a snack, maybe an orange, and think things through. I will be back later though.
bitterness in marriage
