We got back from a lovely 4th of July BBQ and my fiancé said to me, "I'm going to head downstairs and get some fried chicken from Safeway". I gave him a bit of a disappointed look but kept doing whatever I was doing. He got angry and said that I always judge his food choices and he feels like I'm looking down on him. That not only do I need to stop reacting to his eating, that I need to stop feeling/thinking that it's bad for him.
How do I stop feeling the way I do, when I frequently think he's eating badly??
I'm talking fried chicken, bacon burgers, mcdonalds, donuts etc.
Quick Note: He's 34, pre-diabetic, high blood pressure, overweight. He's joining a cross-fit gym soon.
My husband and I have learned that we both do best when we don't judge or try to control the other person's diet and exercise. He's lost about 85lbs and I've lost about 105 lbs, and almost none of that weight was lost "together."
You may not be able to keep from making judgements, but you can keep from revealing them. You can work on "letting go" of the responsibility for his choices.
You can think/feel however you think/feel and obviously you don't need to change your opinion that those foods are unhealthy (they ARE unhealthy), but I do think you should quit disapproving of his choices out loud and with looks. He's a grown man. You don't have to contribute by buying/cooking unhealthy things for him! But there's no point in doing things that make him feel bad, even if he just perceives it that way and that's not your intention.
If my husband would have done that to me before I started losing weight, I would have been devastated. Choosing to change your eating habits is a very personal thing, if he isn't ready it isn't going to help by letting him know you disapprove.
Making him feel bad about it won't help, if anything he might be more inclined to eat that stuff. I've been in that situation before and I've eaten things out of spite (I know it's not healthy). It's hard but we can't change people. Lead by example and hopefully he follows.
Making him feel bad about it won't help, if anything he might be more inclined to eat that stuff. I've been in that situation before and I've eaten things out of spite (I know it's not healthy). It's hard but we can't change people. Lead by example and hopefully he follows.
I agree with those who said you need to stop showing him your disapproval either through what you say or a look. Support his healthy choices, don't judge his unhealthy ones. He knows fried chicken is bad for him.
You can think/feel however you think/feel and obviously you don't need to change your opinion that those foods are unhealthy (they ARE unhealthy), but I do think you should quit disapproving of his choices out loud and with looks. He's a grown man. You don't have to contribute by buying/cooking unhealthy things for him! But there's no point in doing things that make him feel bad, even if he just perceives it that way and that's not your intention.
If my husband would have done that to me before I started losing weight, I would have been devastated. Choosing to change your eating habits is a very personal thing, if he isn't ready it isn't going to help by letting him know you disapprove.
I totally agree with this. My husband has terrible eating habits, but if he is not motivated to change right now, my showing an attitude about it will just bug him, and will create friction between us.
I answer his questions when he asks me about food, but I do not offer unsolicited opinions about the relative healthiness or unhealthiness of the food he eats. I have noticed him slowly but surely eating more vegetables, drinking more water instead of pop, etc. Hopefully your healthy eating habits will inspire your guy to adopt some better habits too. The crossfit workout is a fabulous start, and may be just the spark he needs. Good luck!
He can't do it until he's ready. Whatever it is that's supporting his eating habits at this point is stronger than any faces you can make, and it's just going to be non-productive for you both. You can point out to him the fat content, whatever, but just as a fact. Not as a judgment. But he probably knows that already...
Once he starts training he may find an over-riding motivation to clean up his diet.
People change when they're ready. I agree with the majority of comments. I would feel self-conscious, defensive, guilty, and judged (read: hurt and therefore angry) if someone made looks at my food choices. We're not perfect, we all have our flaws, and sometimes needing something that's not good for us or not taking the best care of ourselves is a part of that. I'm sure it must be very difficult for you, as his lifelong partner, to silently observe and be unable to do anything, but these are his choices and he has the right to make them and still be respected and supported, even if you don't support the choices he makes. The crappy thing about being disapproved of is that it makes us feel about four inches tall and as powerless as we did when we got unfairly yelled at or judged as kids. Just love him, and allow him to make his own choices and if he wants to, he'll eventually start to turn around.
Yeah, I guess I thought I was hiding it better than I was. It's super hard! We've been going through a rocky time so it's more fuel on the fire I suppose.
Yeah, I guess I thought I was hiding it better than I was. It's super hard! We've been going through a rocky time so it's more fuel on the fire I suppose.
No doubt it's hard to hide/mask your own feelings. One way is to apologize right away if you notice yourself giving that look of disapproval--with humour, maybe? Something like "Sorry, I can't help it! I am naturally judgmental! Still love ya lots, honey!"
ETA: I read your post far too quickly and missed the last sentence. I am sorry about your marital troubles. All the best for both of you.
Last edited by memememe76; 07-06-2012 at 01:14 AM.
Sorry to hear you guys have been having problems. I think maybe that's why he feels judged- no doubt you are both feeling sensitive and on edge, so you're probably both going to react more emotionally than you otherwise would.
Fiancé angry over fried chicken
