im having a problem with a new neighbour of mine, i went to a work meeting yesterday and she was there, i recognised her and introduced myself. she invited me to hers for coffee and then we both needed to go into town so walked down together. it was perfectly pleasant. i got home, and there was a note in my letterbox from her asking to borrow some money. i felt weird coz i hardly know her, but lent her it coz she said she was desperate. then the next morning there was another note asking for the same amount again! i lent her it again, but also said i cant lend her any more, and that i dont normally lend people money coz it makes things awkward. she says she'll pay it back tomorrow but im doubtful that she will.
anyway, im definatly not lending her any more money, whether she pays it back or not. its not something i do, coz it causes a lot of problems, and im on a very strict budget myself. so what can i do, how can i say no, without making things extremley tense between us? even if we dont see each other as friends, we have to live next to each other. any advice appreciated!
Wow... just... wow. How horribly inappropriate. She didn't even have the tact to ask for it in person.
You've already told her once that you don't feel comfortable loaning her money so I definitely wouldn't do it again. If she does ask again, just gently remind her that you don't feel comfortable and it puts a strain on your already tight budget. However, if you would like to, you might suggest helping her find assistance programs, food banks, etc. depending on her need.
If she declines this help I wouldn't give it a second thought. Someone who only wants cash rather than true help makes me very nervous. If she accepts, you get to help her in a way that doesn't hurt your bank account.
As for the money you've already loaned her, I would consider it a one time gift and move on. If you get it back, great, but don't count on it.
i cant believe she even asked, despite knowing my situation. as we were having coffee we were chatting about kids and stuff, i told her that my daughters dad doesnt pay child support etc. so she knows i really dont have any money to lose. i hate it when people ask to borrow money, i dont like making people feel bad or embarrased, but i just cant let her fall into the habit of thinking she can borrow from me any time she wants. so now im the one sitting here stressing about it, a bit more broke, and worrying about offending her for not giving her free reign of my purse!
"I'm sorry, that isn't possible for me right now".
You don't have to say why. You don't have to justify it. It may not be possible simply because you don't believe in loaning money. Just say it, and if she asks again, say it again.
This is a great stock answer for saying no to ANYTHING you don't want to do - attend some Tupperware party, agree to someone's request that you donate time or goods, whatever.
i will mandalinn, i need to learn to stick up for myself and not feel terrible when i cant give every person everything they want. i used to think i was kind and caring, now im starting to think im just a pushover.
by the way i made that alton brown rice you like, it was very good
My mother taught me to always be on friendly, neighborly terms with my neighbors, but NEVER become close friends. I have always followed that advice, and it has worked well. We have seen others in our development become close friends, then enemies over children, borrowed items, flirtations, etc. My neighbors have come to ask us to take in their mail, check their yard, borrow an egg for a recipe a woman was in the middle of making, etc. but have never confided personal problems or asked for money. Yet, the two neighbors who have sold their homes and moved away both stopped by to say what a pleasure we were to have as neighbors.
My mother taught me to always be on friendly, neighborly terms with my neighbors, but NEVER become close friends. I have always followed that advice, and it has worked well. We have seen others in our development become close friends, then enemies over children, borrowed items, flirtations, etc. My neighbors have come to ask us to take in their mail, check their yard, borrow an egg for a recipe a woman was in the middle of making, etc. but have never confided personal problems or asked for money. Yet, the two neighbors who have sold their homes and moved away both stopped by to say what a pleasure we were to have as neighbors.
thats how i am with my other neighbours, we borrow lawn mowers in the summer, chat over the fence if we are both in our gardens at the same time etc, but ive never asked or been asked for money. thats one reason why i lent her it, i thought she must be desperate if shes asking a stranger, but after her asking the second time and finding out other things about her i can see it becoming a permanent problem if i dont put an abrupt stop to it.
i have kept the notes, also the text messages she sent saying thank you and that she will pay me back (she asked for my number whilst we were having coffee, i wish i'd told her i don't know it off by heart or something).
to be honest, even though i could really use getting it back, if she doesnt give me it back i'll be happy enough if she just backs off and doesn't ask again, its unbelievably awkward for me.
One piece of advice, never give out a personal loan to anyone (friends, family, etc) unless you are willing to consider it a gift.
thats why i dont normally lend money (other than my mum or brother, and even then i dont really want it back), because i never expect to get it back, it was the odd circumstances behind it that threw me this time. luckily my friends know my situation so they dont ask.
do you think if i say no enough times she will back off eventually? i will be firm with her next time she asks, but i dont want to be horrible or too harsh, i have to live near her so dont want to be unpleasant. but i can see myself getting very frustrated if she keeps asking after i say no. usually when something like that happens i dont cave in but instead get angry and say things i later regret.
Do not let this consume you. You will JUST SAY NO, I can't afford to. You might add that you are still hurting financially from the money you already lent her. I doubt she will ever ask again, so don't obsess. However, if she does ask again, she obviously is not someone you want as a friend, so say, "I already told you I cannot afford to GIVE you money. PLEASE do NOT ask again, as my answer will not change."
Just say you can't afford it , that you have other obligations to take care of, If you consistently say no she will stop asking. This is what happened to a friend of mine a friend of hers asked to borrow money , she gave it to her , she paid it back, she asked again, she gave it to her, she paid it back this went on for awhile and then she stopped paying her back. She would say 'Oh , I paid you last week , don't you remember?. The deal was to get my friend to trust that she would repay her and then stop , trying to make it look like my friend was forgetting. She wasn't. She pulled that same trick on another friend only she didn't fall for it.
Lending new neighbour money
