Well, the time has come when I'm experiencing a relationship problem I NEVER expected to have. Over the past few months my libido has more or less died off. I don't ever think about the needs of the flesh, not while alone or even when I'm surrounded by extremely attractive strangers, and it seems to take quite a bit of effort to get in the mood when hanging out with my boyfriend who I am very attracted to physically and emotionally.

He brought this to my attention over the weekend. Since men get relationship validation through intimacy, he's feeling a bit unappreciated and unloved and extremely frustrated. We see each other maybe two weekends per month and usually average 1-2 times per weekend, almost always initiated by him, and often I just don't feel like it. My knee-jerk response was "get a hooker or get with some of your groupies (he's the "cute one" in his band) until I sort it out" and he didn't like that too much. I understand his frustration; when we first got together we were at it like 4-5 times a day.

I'm on low-dose tri-cyclical BC pills which I have sent from America. Japan is a bit behind on BC options and I'm leaving here soon so I don't want to make any big changes only to jump ship soon. We talked about the possibility of me going off BC but I'd rather not. It could also be the weather, dieting frustration, or some random alignment of moons in a distant galaxy that's causing the problem.

Anyone been through this? How did you work through it?

Are you going through anything stressful right now? For me that can have negative effects on my sex life if it's enough stress.

I wish I knew the answer, because it would certainly help me out, too! I've even gone through the whole hormone blood test rigamarole and nothing out of the ordinary comes up. I know the hubby's got to be frustrated!

krampus, I'd get with an ob/gyn to check it out. I don't know about your birth control, but I had the very same thing happen some years ago with depo provera shots. Of course, I later learned that's the very stuff they inject into sex offenders to kill off their libidos. (!!!!) It took me a year to get back to normal.

Any time you're messing with hormones, you can have an unexpected and/or unwanted side effect.

Interestingly, losing weight for me usually has the OPPOSITE effect.... I turn into a wanton hussy!! I've always attributed it to the excess estrogen stored in fat cells that is released with weight loss. I don't know if that's right, but for me, there is a definite correlation between weight loss and increased libido.

Hope you get it solved!!

Best, Rae

Get drunk. Hah, I know, useless advice. I'm in the same boat as you. Unfortunately when I drink, I want it...but it's usually not that great for either of us. Sorry krampus, no proper advice

Oh wait...can you like... make an effort and set the scene? Like candles and wear lingerie/something that makes you feel really sexy and attractive... and...yeah that kind of sounds lame I'm sorry. FAIL.

I think "they" say that typically, women don't think their in the mood until they actually starting to engage in sex....and the more you have sex, the more you want sex.

Sometimes, I think it helps to set a date: Friday afternoons, Sunday mornings, whenever works for your guys' relationship. Set the mood in your bedroom, give each other a massage or sip some wine....and see where it goes....

I've noticed that, ducky. Once I've been coaxed into things I have a lot of fun. I'm going to make a point to be open to the idea as much as possible, which sadly is only a few times a month due to living 4 hours apart and both being insanely busy on weekends.

We're not really the romantic type - we'd rather beat each other up than make love, haha.

My husband was initially thrilled at my weight loss because even after a few pounds I was all, "LOOK! Look at my sexy body! Look how freakin' good I look! Let's see if I can do that thing I used to do with the barstool!" and I just. Did. Not. Leave. Him. Alone. Now he's wondering where that woman went because now I'm more like, "Hmm...yeah, sure, I guess" because I'm just not feelin' it the past week or so.

As far as I can tell, it's as random as radioactive decay whether I'm in the mood or out of it. Even if I'm not in the mood, I can still usually be persuaded to play around in some way or another (he's smart and has reminded me that "it counts as exercise" ). And sometimes I fake it (no, I don't fake IT): I put on more of a stage production than I am feeling like doing at the time because acting forward or filthy generally leads to feeling up for a little fun. It's a nice surprise for him when I take the initiative, so sometimes I do it even when I'm "meh" on the prospect just because I like him so much.

It's definitely true that the more you have, the more you want, at least for me.