OT - Devastated, need positive encouragement please
I've been in a relationship for 2 months with the greatest guy I've ever met. Everything was amazing and absolutely perfect...until one week ago.
He hooked up with a girl a few weeks before we met and she just called him to say she thinks she's pregnant. He doesn't want to be with this girl, doesn't want a child but is willing to be a father if that's what happens.
I know the relationship is short but it is serious already and I want to be with him either way. Child or not. The biggest problem is that he only wants to be alone. He doesn't want to break up with me but he wants to be alone and single right now. I don't know if I still have a chance with him. I won't know for awhile I'm sure. I'm having an extremely hard time refraining from texting him constantly but I am doing it because it is what he says he needs.
We've still been talking but not seeing one another and I am completely devastated and can't stop crying, I can't eat, and I don't know what to do to help him through this. Or to help myself remain calm until I know more.
I'm so angry that this girl called him to tell him this with only taking a home test, has not yet been to the doctor, and does not even have an idea of what her plan is. It's not confirmed that this is a real pregnancy as of yet, though I'm assuming it will be. Yes, home tests are reliable but I feel it is irresponsible of her to put him through so much anguish without a medical confirmation.
I'm just so devastated that this is ruining my only chance to have something real. I've never had a relationship like this where everything was perfect and amazing.
And believe me I know that many of my thoughts are selfish but my main concern is him. I've never felt like this for anyone before in my life, I'm 27.
I would really love any encouragement or any stories of similar situations and how they turned out.
Please don't be harsh on me and say that I need to let him go and be with this girl or anything like that...I've thought of every option...And don't bash my boyfriend, I'm fully aware that this is his mistake and responsibility, and he will do the right thing for the baby. He's a good person in a difficult situation.
I just need to hear some positive things to help me get through this because I'm not doing well on my own.
My friend went through a similar situation.. Her boyfriend had a one night stand the week before they had gone out. Three months later, the girl calls and says she thinks she's pregnant.
He wanted to stay with my friend no matter what, but she was torn because he'd been with another girl even though he'd had a date with her and was now facing the possibility of being a father. Of course, she knew that they hadn't been exclusive at the time so he hadn't technically done anything wrong and she loved him so..she decided to stay with him and whatever happened happened.
He and the girl discussed keeping it or having an abortion and she would say she was gonna do one thing and then change her mind and say she was gonna do the other. It really put a strain on the relationship cause they never knew what was gonna happen (or if the kid was even his!) and it was stressing them both out. Add to that, a lot of their friends had gotten involved which hurt more than they helped because it was just nonstop drama.
Eventually, the girl said she'd had a miscarriage.. but they found out that she had actually concocted the whole story because she wanted to break the relationship up. My friend stayed with him a little longer, but they broke up shortly after because it was just too much. He went on to date a 17 year old and really did get her pregnant about three months after that.
So.. my friend's situation didn't turn out very well, but that doesn't mean that yours will be the same way. In my friend's situation, it would've probably been a better idea for them to take a break until the whole thing either blew over or settled down. Based on that, I don't think it's a terrible idea for you guys to be on a break right now.
If your guy says he cares about you but needs to be alone right now, tell him that's ok & that you'll be there for him when he needs you. Let him know your feelings, but let him get everything sorted in his own way and then see what happens. Don't force it. Becoming a father to a child with a woman you don't have a connection to at all is a lot to deal with. He will eventually adjust though and hopefully, that's when you'll have your chance.
So.. try to think of your relationship as being postponed for the moment, not over completely. It's gonna be hard for both of you, but in the end..if things work out, he'll appreciate you that much more for actually listening to him and giving him the time and space he needed.
After dating for two years my boyfriend dumped me with no explaination. Everything had been wonderful. I was so puzzled, angry, devastated. But, I decided that if it wasn't to be, than it wasn't to be. A friend of mine ended up setting me up with a friend of hers on a blind date. I went--because I was so miserable and lonely. Well, the guy that dumped me saw us out together--hand in hand.
Well, the guy that dumped me ended up breaking down in tears and proposing to me within the week. We celebrate 20 years together this Spring! & 17 years of marriage.
Let him be. Let him go. Meanwhile move on with your own life. If he is into you the way you are into him, he will be back.
After high school, my boyfriend of 4 years dumped me for no other reason than that he "needed space". Which was weird because those 4 years had been perfect, no fighting or anything. For a few weeks I was devastated and made the mistake that so many girls make. I called and called and cried and cried.
Then one day I decided to just back off and move on. It only took him two weeks before we were back together and that was 4 years ago. We've been married for a year of that.
Of course, we didn't have those circumstances with a baby and such so it's a little different. He is probably just freaking out. Let him know that you love and support him and respect his need for space. If he really does want to be with you, he will be back.
I don't have any stories, but I do think you're doing well so far by granting his request for alone time. I can't imagine the pressure he's under right now, and if I were him I couldn't handle the stress of being a good boyfriend to you on top of wondering how the heck he's going to pay child support, whether he can be a good role model, how he'll integrate into the girl's family, whether the girl's mom will push them to marry or the dad will come at him with a tire iron....
Tears can make you feel better, but they'd make him feel awful. When you do talk to him, try to keep it together--trying to persuade him to come back or making him feel guilty for abandoning you would just make him run. Don't talk about how miserable you are; he might see it as an attack. I know it's hard, but if you want to remain in a relationship with this man, now is not the time to be assertive. You've just go to leave him alone and trust him to come back in time. And if he doesn't, well, then you'll be free to find someone you don't have to treat so delicately.
Oh, man, what a doozie. I'm so sorry this happened to you. I think you're going about it in probably the most mature way possible, which speaks volumes about your own character. I agree with everyone on here to leave him on his own for a while. Easier said than done, but after this catastrophe is resolved, you'll be better for it.
My question is: Was he saying this about needing the space and just wanting to be single before this whole pregnancy thing, or did it happen afterwards?
If it was afterwards... then I'd definitely say he's just panicking and his whole world is in chaos right now. When my boyfriend's father had a mini-heart attack we went through something similar because I wanted to be there for him but he just wanted to curl up in a ball and be alone for a week. I had a hard time understanding this, because what I would have needed was him to be there for me. What I couldn't understand is that maybe we're different people (go figure) and maybe, JUST MAYBE, we might handle such situations differently.
If I were you, I'd just let him know that you understand he's going through a lot right now, but that you want him to know that he means the world to you and that you hope that he'll come around and that you'll be waiting for as long as you can (though not too long!). And that you have the faith in him that he'll get through this, no matter what the outcome to the situation is.
Good luck!
Last edited by starfishkitty; 02-28-2010 at 04:25 AM.
If I were you, I'd just let him know that you understand he's going through a lot right now, but that you want him to know that he means the world to you and that you hope that he'll come around and that you'll be waiting for as long as you can (though not too long!). And that you have the faith in him that he'll get through this, no matter what the outcome to the situation is.
I agree with Amanda, and really hope things will work out in the best way possible for you Dalgishake.
Thank you for the responses. It's really hard for me to give him the alone time but I am doing it. I know we still have a chance of working things out but I don't want to mess it up by doing the wrong thing. Problem is, there is no way of knowing what the right or wrong thing is because things this this don't happen too often. I was actually under the impression that they only happen on the Maury Povich show.
New concern for me is that last time I talked with him, this girl has STILL not been to the doctor! If I suspected I was pregnant I'd be beating down the doctor's door whether the decision was to keep it or not. I'm especially worried that if her decision is to keep it, why isn't she in there getting pre-natal care? He and I have been tormented for over a week now and she still hasn't been in.
It's ridiculous and now paranoid side of me is a bit suspicious of the situation.
Lychee - sorry about your friend's situation. That girl sounds like a total nut. I agree with your postponed advice though
Thighs be gone and Brittany - I'm happy that your tough situations worked out well for you.
Starfish - There was definitely no mention of space before this. He wanted to spend almost every day together and we were both happy.
Now, new question is that I said to him I'd call him next week so that would be this coming Tuesday or Wednesday which would be about 4 days without any contact at all.
I really want to see him this week, I know he may not be ready, but how long am I supposed to wait? It's selfish of me to invade his alone time but it's selfish (or he's overlooking it in his own state of anxiety) of him to not realize that I'm having a hard time too.
I was thinking of saying something like..'hey, how about I come pick you up and we'll go to Target and walk around awhile, maybe get a snack, I won't invite myself over to your house or anything but I'd like to see you for a little bit'
I thought that is a way for me to see him and for him to not have to feel pressured to talk since we'd be walking around a store.
Usually "I need space" or "I need to be alone" is double talk for "I don't want to be with you but don't have the guts to say it." But in this case, he is facing something else really heavy, and I can understand dealing with that and a brand new relationship might just be overwhelming.
He also might feel that he's doing what's best for you, even if he won't say that.
hmm. . . . You see you two have been dating for only two months. I must agree with Julie when someone says that they need there space after such a short amount of time with you is NOT a good thing.
As for being selfish I can understand where you are coming from but that's not cool at all. Having a baby really changes everything and he doesn't need your feelings added to everything else. He already has to deal with his feelings as well as his baby mama's feelings and he doesn't need to add yours to the mix.
and you don't know if she is waiting for the doctors appointment or anything, now a days it usually takes about a week to get to see a doctor so don't assume.
and as for the him not mentioning any space before this, I had a bf who i was dating for three months, i thought we were happy, we spent every single day together, and that SAME DAY he broke up with me he told me(over the phone no less) he loved me and blah blah blah couldn't live without me.
Guys are douches. they can love you one minute, call you crazy the next. Leave him alone. If he wants you in any way he'll contact you.
(sorry I know you asked not to be harsh but sugar coating things wont help you now or anytime in the future!! )
I'd start moving on...
The worst that happens is that he ends up with the other girl, you move on, find someone less complicated.
The best is the whole drama with the other girl ends, and he comes back to you and realizes what he's missing.
Its unfair for yourself and emotions to wait around for him hoping he snaps out of his depression.
If this guy likes you as much as you seem to like him, he might actually be taking your feelings very heavily into consideration. He probably feels bad that you got put in such an awkward or potentially stressful situation and wants you BOTH to have space, sort things out, make decisions and be okay. He doesn’t want to hurt you.
Keep your chin up…I’m sure things will work out for the best. Whether there is a baby in the picture too…we’ll just have to wait and see and it’s nothing that can’t be dealt with and really be a blessing. You have to let us all know though!
hmm. . . . You see you two have been dating for only two months. I must agree with Julie when someone says that they need there space after such a short amount of time with you is NOT a good thing.
As for being selfish I can understand where you are coming from but that's not cool at all. Having a baby really changes everything and he doesn't need your feelings added to everything else. He already has to deal with his feelings as well as his baby mama's feelings and he doesn't need to add yours to the mix.
and you don't know if she is waiting for the doctors appointment or anything, now a days it usually takes about a week to get to see a doctor so don't assume.
and as for the him not mentioning any space before this, I had a bf who i was dating for three months, i thought we were happy, we spent every single day together, and that SAME DAY he broke up with me he told me(over the phone no less) he loved me and blah blah blah couldn't live without me.
Guys are douches. they can love you one minute, call you crazy the next. Leave him alone. If he wants you in any way he'll contact you.
(sorry I know you asked not to be harsh but sugar coating things wont help you now or anytime in the future!! )
I appreciate your concern but I'm not ready for harsh yet which is why I asked all of you not to be. I'm bursting into tears every other minute and I just want a few more days of hope before having to walk away and deal with things for real.
Yes, I am aware that I am most likely going to be the loser in this situation. I'm still trying to pretend it will be okay before I go crazy.
I disagree that his and the girl's feelings are the only feelings that matter. I'm respecting his wishes and approaching the situation with sensitivity.
He does need to take my feelings into consideration. I know I have nothing to do with the baby but we do have a relationship and if he ever cared at all he owes me enough to listen. You probably won't agree but that's how I feel. I am a person too and deserve something.
And thanks, I know that space is usually a terrible sign and that guys can be douches and dump you without notice. I've been there 100 times and this is different.
OT - Devastated, need positive encouragement please
& 17 years of marriage.
I think you're going about it in probably the most mature way possible, which speaks volumes about your own character. I agree with everyone on here to leave him on his own for a while. Easier said than done, but after this catastrophe is resolved, you'll be better for it.
