I have been reading all the threads and they are wonderful. I am so glad I came across this site.

I have been thinking about how I could ask this question and have people understand.

Back story: 12 years ago I lost approx. 150 pounds. I took it off relatively fast. I exercised 5-6 days a week (Jazzercise). But nothing prepared me for what was to come as I started to lose and come down the scale. The feelings that I kept inside for so many years, because of the weight, mainly romantic feelings toward men. (When you’re over 300 pounds, my experience is guys are not interested and since the many extra pounds was like a shield to protect me from a myriad of feelings. It did a very good job of seldom if ever letting me think of being in anyway attractive so I turned that part of my “self” off for so, so long.)

But as I lost weight I guess natural instincts began and I started noticing guys and every once in awhile a guy might look my way. This was scary to me as it had been so long that I had hid my “physical” self away under the extra pounds. I even dated awhile.

I am back to almost the same weight of 12 years ago-approx. 320. I want so desperately to begin to take this weight off but I have the memories of the strong romantic feelings I had and I am afraid to start.

I am a major binger. I would like to go to rehab possibly but could not afford it or leave my job. I always joked and said I craved bakery goods(especially at night) like a cocaine addict craves coke.

Did/Does anyone have similar feelings and if so how did you put them to rest?

Any help would be appreciated.

Bonnie

P.S. I hope this made some sense.

Welcome aboard Bonnie!!! It is so nice to "meet" you. I'm so glad you found this board and I hope it will help you as much as it has helped me.

I've said this repeatedly here, so maybe you've read me saying this, but it's really important to have a plan, to keep a food journal and to change your relationship with food. At first, it takes small changes but eventually, they will lead to big ones.

You obviously know how to lose weight! Wow! But, you do need to figure out why you want to hide behind the weight so that this doesn't happen again. Easier said then, done, I know!

Us food addicts hang out here and it's a huge comfort to me. We have strength in numbers because we're not alone. Come here often and post and make those small steps and treat yourself with a great deal of kindness.

I look forward to getting to know you better!

p.s. I hope my post made sense!

Holy moly, you are telling my story!

I lost 133 pounds 10 years ago and really struggled with the idea that men had interest in me and I didn't know how to deal with it gracefully. I gained it all back and then some for many reasons, but it all boiled down to me binging to cope with the stresses in my life.

This time around I actually sought out a therapist. She has really helped me with understanding why I developed the coping mechanisms I did that solely revolved around food. And she's helped me a lot with ending the binging and finding new non-food related ways to deal with life's stresses. I don't know if that would be more affordable for you (many therapists have sliding scales that take your income into account). It's certainly more job friendly than leaving for rehab.

Good luck!

You too sound like me! lol I'm starting to think we are all telling each others stories! My weight loss (so far) has been accidental. Ive never been one to come right out and diet because I'm lazy and procrastinate with every other aspect of my life so my size never really was all that important to me. But I am now where you once were....
People see me now......not the BLOB me, but the PERSON me! Its an amazing, stressful, fun, exciting, down right scarey feeling all rolled into one! I know for me, after being "ignored" my other human life forms for so long I am SHOCKED. Shocked that I am feeling all these weird feelings!! :/ Its much easier to cope with being ignored, but as I find the new me I am liking the attention. Im turning it into a POSSITVE! Ive got strangers as well as men I've known for years coming up to me telling me how GREAT I look...that in itself makes me feel good. Use those "weird" feelings you get when people look at to make a possitve out of the situation. If men are noticing you then they have to like what they see so you should too.
Theres no need to hide behind fat or baggy clothing or feelings you cant explain. Just be you. My biggest motivation I think at this point to keep working on loosing (aside from realizing it was happening on its own) was to convince myself that I no longer care what other people think of me. I am me, like me, love me, hate me, thats your choice but I am who I am and I REFUSE to let people force me into hiding and stealing MY life from me anymore! I am here to LIVE, to be LOVED, to have FUN and to be ME.........watch out world cuz here I am!
Stick around a while, I'm new here but from what I've seen so far, these people are an AMAZING support system! We're all in it together for the long haul so lean on us when you need to and we will lean on you when we need to. Therapy may be good for some, but for me coming here does all I need.....and its FREE!!!!

While I can't say that this is "me" per se, I have noticed that with my weight loss that I'm now being seen more as "woman" and less as "asexual blob" and truthfully, it's scary as ****. I might be out with my husband and notice a guy staring at me, maybe smile. I really had no idea that I could be attractive to men other than DH. It's a great feeling, but yes, very very scary.

But why? Why would someone thinking I'm sexy be scary? Perhaps it had more to do with "my little secret" of finding men attractive but them not finding me attractive. It was a deep down urge to find beauty because I didn't feel that I had it. Now, if someone finds me attractive other than DH there is a possibility (a very slim chance mind you, but a possibility) that they could be a potential partner and they would find out my secrets: that I enjoy cheese on toast, watching sugery while having a bowl of red Jell-O with chunks of pineapple and that I fart! In other words, I'm idealising other women as "normal" and myself as "abnormal". Truthfully, all women fart, put on their pants one leg at a time and have/have had the same confidence issues that I do.

The only thing I can say is to build your confidence (sexual and personal) at the same time you lose the weight. Despite the "wikipedia" type entry I'm about to post, it has some really good advice: http://www.wikihow.com/Build-Self-Confidence. From the time you start seeing yourself as a valuable and important person, other people will too. It takes time to believe it and you have to practice believing that you are valuable and important.

I can't thank you enough for the words of wisdom. I got up this morning and expected to see my thread with zero replies. Thank you a million times.

I don't feel alone anymore. I guess in thinking about it more, the idea of going from feeling asexual to that part of your "self" being turned back "on" is an almost life changing feeling because romantic feelings are not black and white and they can very powerful. I guess if I could compare the difference in intensity would be fitting into a much smaller dress size is great but it is for the most part black and white. It is a pant size not comparable to romantic feelings. Romantic feelings are unpredictable. There are no guarantees. When (for me at least) I am at this weight those feelings are so "stuffed" down that it is safe but when I give up the food (not stuffing feelings) and the weight gradual or otherwise starts to decrease those feelings are heightened and I think since they have been cut off for so long they feel even more heightened than one would think.

I think, too, the major difference is going from not thinking of your self as a possible object of a man's attention to a change in those feelings is it is not a "known". When we turn the furnace temp. up we "know" or rooms are going to get warmer. romantic feelings on both the man and woman's that is not "known"

Thanks so much!

Bonnie

Hi, Bonnie,

I think I understand what you're saying. The facets of weight loss involving clothes, health, etc. are a lot more "knowable." The romantic aspect of weight loss is completely "unknowable." You lose your safe cocoon, where you don't have to deal with the very real complications, yearnings and tough questions that come with romantic involvements. I connected with your post in a very visceral way as have the others who have posted -- the romantic aspect has had so much to do with my inability to lose weight!

I was successfully losing weight at the time of my husband's unexpected death in October of 2007. I tried a couple of times after to lose weight, but I just couldn't get the momentum going. Something was stopping me, and it was exactly the concerns you describe. Every time I began to lose weight, I began to feel attractive again -- and suddenly I felt disloyal to the memory of my late husband. I just wasn't ready to be a sexual being again. Accepting that potential was my biggest hurdle to successful weight loss, and it hasn't been an easy one.

It DOES change everything. It means coping with a whole new set of issues -- and although they may be exciting, they're still issues! And of course the other, unspoken question... what if it isn't enough? What if, after losing all this weight and putting myself through all this, I discover I'm still just not a very attractive person? Ut-oh!!!

I think this is why we need to make peace with the notion of losing weight for ourselves and nothing else. Not for the relationship potential. Not for someone else. Not because we might become "beautiful." And not because, goodness knows, it will solve all our problems.

I decided I needed to lose weight chiefly to improve my health. For reasons unknown, suddenly lots of men have turned up. Something in the cosmos... I don't know. It's not like it's easy for me to meet people, since I work from home and I live in a very rural situation. I may only leave my house once every couple of weeks. But 4 different fellows are making overtures (only one of whom I'm genuinely interested in), and I'm just taking that all as it comes. I enjoy the attention, set the agenda to suit myself and keep going with my plan to lose weight for health. The rest of that stuff is just going to have to sort itself out! Funny thing; the more self-confidence I demonstrate, the more interested they seem to become... and I'm not even close to my "slim" category. So based on that, I've decided that it has a lot more to do with what I'm putting out there than my weight. Consider how many pleasingly plump ladies here enjoy wonderful marriages -- could it be that we're all wrong about the weight thing? Maybe, or maybe not, but I know how *I* prefer to think of it!

This is getting really long, but I'll share one last story that I hope will help you... the man in whom I am truly interested is a man from my past. We shared a strong attraction some years ago, but situationally it was impossible (he was married). We met up for the first time in about 8 years this past September -- I weighed 100 pounds more than I had the last time he'd seen me. I dreaded that first meeting. He didn't even notice. We met up again earlier this month and I'd lost a quarter of my hundred pounds... again, he didn't even notice. He still just sees the girl he cared for long ago. Based on that, I really think it's more to do with who we are inside, and less about the packaging. If you can keep that firmly in your mind, it may become easier to deal with it all. I do hope so -- and if it helps to talk, I hope you will keep posting!!!



Rae

I think I've got something in my eye...

I think since you've decided to lose the weight for yourself and yourself alone, you've become more confident. THAT is why men are attracted to you. I'm sure you're a gorgeous woman (we all are!), but what clinches the deal with men is exuding confidence!!

Rae,

Thank you for sharing. I reread your entry several times. You are so brave to take the steps your taking. You speak of the need for confidence and that is something I am working on but still sorely lack but I can see how your confidence gave you the courage to go forward with meeting this man. Way to go!

I wish confidence was available at a store, like Borders instead of books, you could go in and pick up some confidence. I have improved my confidence but it is a desireable quality that is hard fought to acquire. "It's hard to teach an old dog new tricks."

Thanks again,

Bonnie

Bonnie, I'm another one who saw myself in your post.

I, too, lost a great deal of weight many years ago, acquired a sexual identity, after being asexual, and had many tumultuous conflicted feelings about all the male attention that I suddenly got. I, too, began binging at that point. I believe now that I did it because of the pressure I put myself under. I loved feeling powerful & felt I had to remain some kind of ethereal goddess to maintain that power. Losing weight = attention. So I kept losing. I feared that if I ate something, my hard-won powers would slip right through my fingers. So I over-restricted what I ate, and was always hungry, and longing after food & that resulted in a backlash, where I binged, like a captive trying to spite an authority figure. Eventually, I gained back the weight & then more.

I had a therapist. She was trying to keep me from over-restricting & binging, not from gaining weight, as I'd gotten down to an unhealthy number & my period had stopped for a fear. She said several interesting things to me about my difficulty with men. She said (as far as I can remember): "You're learning how to deal with boys. You're going through what other women go through, but they do it at age 13. It's harder for you, because when you do this when you're older, as you're doing, the rules are different. The boys aren't learning right alongside you." She meant that it's not a girlish crush anymore & a lot of the innocent atmosphere is gone.

Also, I did not have very good judgment. I was a little too grateful for the attention, thinking I could lose it again so easily.

Further, my binging behavior carried over somewhat into that area of my life. Think about it. I had been restricted, off limits, without any male attention whatsoever. Then suddenly, I had a lot & I reveled in it. Then I got frightened & wanted to run from it. This is the same behavior as swinging from restriction to binging.

I don't know if all this helps you, but I can tell you that this time, when I lost weight, I was sadder & wiser. I got a therapist early in the process. I did it over time, moderately. The impetus was a warning from my medical doctor about my health. The male attention seems to be a happy afterthought. This time, I have a good job in a workplace that's primarily male-dominated, and I have all kinds of different relationships with men, many friendly rather than sexually charged. (Though losing weight certainly changed the energies somewhat -- like a compass, they all point north now. ;-) I am much better at coping this time around. Still not intimate, but taking my time, thinking longer-term, deciding what I want & need, enjoying friendships & possibilities. You can get it right the second time, I am sure.

Saef,

Great advice! I was wondering if you could speak more about being "sadder & wiser". I definetly get the wiser. I was wondering if the sad part is realizing that losing the weight is not the cure all for life, which I foolishly thought. Is the sadder part, also, the peeling away of the protection (the weight ) which before protects one from feelings ,romantic and otherwise, and now you don't have that physical and even one could say mental protection?? In not having that protection, the sadness comes from not having the comfort of denying the many things in life that are "real" and if we chose to live healthy lives we cannot run from.

The "sadder" reference really made me remember feeling that way, too.

Thanks,

Bonnie

The "sadder" part struck me too. For me, it's sadness for what I've missed out on in life, what I've let myself miss out on, due to my weight. The idea that the positive attention, how I look, how well people treat me, and how much easier so many things are in life (shopping, moving, etc.) are all things that I could have had that all along if I hadn't made a detour into Fatville. So while there is joy from having accomplished so much, there is sadness that it took so long, that I know I have it in me to gain it back because I have once, and that I will always carry the physical evidence that I once was really fat.

I lost over 100 lbs about five years ago, but I went about it in a very unhealthy, dangerous way and eventually regained most of the weight. Being a size 12-14 was exhilarating, but I also dealt with conflicting feelings such as entrapment and anger. People seemed ridiculously preoccupied with my weight loss, and it felt as though I had an audience watching every pound. That made it especially hard when I began to regain weight due to unresolved compulsive eating and the introduction of insulin therapy.

I'm now here at 3FC, taking another try at making peace with food and finding the right body size for me. And the cool thing is that, during that low-weight period, I met my husband -- a man who has been amazingly supportive througout my size changes and who reminds me daily that true love is not superficial. I wish you the best of luck. In the meantime, I'll be on the same journey, too. :-)