I have a question to ask all of you, as I'm really not sure how something like this would be handled or if it should be handled at all. So, it's a "what would you do" type of issue. On Thursday evenings, the senior football parents have dinners for the varsity football team, then often the boys go to a local hang-out and toss around the ball and visit for awhile. Now, my DS, who's a senior, doesn't like to go to these dinners, as he's a picky eater and has a half-hour drive to get home after everything's over, so he generally does not go. Last night, he went, then the boys invited him to the hang-out session afterwards. One of the starters was smoking and DS asked him what he was smoking. (side note: DS really hates smoking, especially since he spent the last 3 months seeing his grandpa die of smoking-related lung cancer and his other grandpa has smoking-related throat cancer, so he may have asked his question angrily) The rest of the guys (10 or more) ganged up and started yelling at DS and the one who was smoking tried to start a fight when DS tried to leave. The kid who was smoking says he's 18 and is allowed to smoke, but if that's so, why was everyone so defensive about it? DS did not threaten to turn him in or anything, just asked what he was smoking (the kid said it was a cigar, but I'm wondering now if it was a blunt since he was so defensive).

So, I'm wondering if I need to mention to one of the coaches that some of the kids have threatened violence over this?

I did talk to DS2 about there being a time and place for everything and that asking this player about the smoking while there's a large group around was probably not the best time for that type of question. But, in the world of today's high school and issues of harassment, what does a parent do when things like this come up? I did tell DS2 that if anyone says anything on school grounds or lays hands on him, it should be reported immediately, as the school has a zero-tolerance policy on harassment, but whether it's enforced, I don't know.

IMHO---and I must say this.

Your son is a senior in HS. You need to step. I'm sorry but since you asked, I offered my opinion.

The only possible way I would get involved at ALL is if I actually thought my child's life was in danger. If so, I would go to the school and possibly the local PD if I felt the need.

BTW, you have NO idea what the kid was smoking. You are assuming way too much. Without being part of the clique yourself, it would difficult for you or any of us to understand the dynamics of the group or why the kid/s was/were defensive. It could be they were just being what they were--teenage, squirrely boys. It could be the kid felt attacked since your own boy was questioning his decision to be a smoker. In any case, I wouldn't get involved.

By mentioning it to the coach it could cause more problems. If the child is 18 he can legally smoke, if it was something other than a cigarette,unless the coach well actually unless law enforcement caught him smoking marijuana or inpossession of marijuana or any other illegal substance there would be nothing anyone could do legally. Just reinforce your beliefs to your son.

I say just let it go. Stepping in and telling someone will only make things worse for your son. I think your son should tell the kids that he isn't going to turn them in if they smoke, but he's seen what smoking related cancer did to his grandfather. Maybe it will deter them, maybe not.

The most important thing here is that your son doesn't and didn't smoke- that's all that should matter.

Since he is a senior, I say let it go as well. Just tell him how you feel about it - and you already know how he feels about smoking. Let him know that the things the other kids do are their decision. His life is his choice - and, after this last year of high school he likely won't even see these individuals. So all in all, it doesn't matter what they think or how they behave, as long as he doesn't get pulled into it. (and as long as they drop it with him, wouldn't want to have my son harassed every single day of his senior year or something).

I think your son should be old enough to handle this on his own, and from your post, *does* sound mature enough to handle it on his own (even if not perfectly) - I think that shows you've done a good job with him .

I think teenage boys could most definitely react that way over a regular cigarette or cigar. That part doesn't seem unusual to me. And for you to step in over something like that I think will make things much worse for your son with his friends.

OTOH, it's very hard to get an accurate picture from a short post, you are the one who was there talking with your son. If you really feel it might have been more, or he really is in danger, listen to your gut. Make sure your son knows he can get help if he needs it and check in with him again. But it doesn't *sound* like intervening at this time is really warranted.

From my experience schools don't do anything ANYWAYS. My sister and her best friend were harassed by a group of kids for TWO YEARS while in high school, and it was crazy harassment, and the school did nothing. Once the kids went to the principal and said my sister and her friend were planning on shooting up the school, and just because the week before they did a presentation on Columbine (which their teacher approved beforehand) they were suspended for 3 days! They searched their locker's and threatened to take their home computers and search them, though at this point my mom said she's calling her lawyer and they let it go. Another time these girl's were about to beat up my sister and her friend and my dad came and stepped in between them and told the girls to leave, that evening COPS came to our house saying the girl's claimed my dad hit them! Luckily the police believed my dad, specially since the girls had no proof and my sister and her friend said it wasn't true. It got to the point my sister and her friend had to get a restraining order on these girls! Oh and when did the harassment stop? When my sister and her friend transferred schools.

He normally doesn't go with them, well now he did and sees he doesn't like it, so IMO I wouldn't go to the afterwards hangout if I were him. I'm sorry but reacting to "what are you smoking?" IMO makes it sound like it probably WAS something illegal but being that EVERYONE fought with your son you guys wouldn't get support either. As long as they aren't giving your son more grief I'd leave it be.

Chalk it up to those kids will "grow up" to be losers and your son is the one who is going to make it

i also think that saying anything to the coach or the school will make your sons situation worse. i think he's probably best just skipping these get-together- which he now knows for sure are a waste of his time.
i think the chances of major retaliation are greater if you go to the school about it.
That being said- if it doesn't get dropped and the boys start harassing him, ganging up on him, etc- then it definitely would be something to get involved in.
High school kids smoke - cigarettes and marijuana. They probably got defensive because 1. they knew they were doing something they shouldn't and/or 2. they were worried your son would rat them out. especially if he doesn't usually go to their parties, they probably don't see him as part of their clique even though he's on the team.

Yeah, it seems like a lot of over reacting - even if it was pot, even if they were getting totally trashed, it's high school and It happens

Also, just because he was defensive doesn't mean he's doing anything wrong. They're teens. He could be tightly wound over fighting with his parents, or waiting to hear from his school of choice, or many other very very stressful things they're all facing right now.. It just seems a little like making a mountain out of a mole hill