Hi Everyone!
So, I'm just wondering how everyone puts up with people who enjoy putting them down. We all have heard the names, and it's really discouraging...
For me, the voice is, well, almost everyone I know, except my boyfriend. The biggest problem is my brother. He used to be heavy when he was a kid and if anyone ever said anything to him we'd be shot by my mother(notliterally). Well, I've been having weight issues for years. Every time I even try to get into shape, be it treadmill, weights, or some video I'm trying. He can't help but call me fat, or worse, a beast (which he even calls me in front of my boyfriend!)
It hurts and makes me want to give up.
Does anyone have any idea how to make him stop?? I've asked my mom, but she not only condones it, she advises me to lose weight as well. I know she means well, but it just hurts instead of helping.
Ugh, your boyfriend should punch him. I don't know how old you are, but if you don't live at home I would maybe tell him that you're not going to be in the same place as him until he can stop being hateful. Some people just feel the need to negate everything. Maybe he is struggling with some problems of his own right now and seeing you actually working to get past yours is making him feel bad about himself? Or maybe he's worried about you not being fat any more, that he won't have that over you. I've noticed this before with my sister. Whenever I start doing ANYTHING to better myself, she gets really hateful. I think she resents the fact that I am doing something because she doesn't have the motivation to actually work on her problems.
Bottom line, whatever his deal is, ignore him. He's being hateful and cruel. Have you told him how upsetting it is to you? If you havent, maybe you should. If you have and he's still going to say nasty things, just don't respond. Like any bully, when you don't show them that it upsets you, they get bored eventually.
I'm terribly sorry you're going through this. People sometimes don't realize (or maybe don't care) how hurtful their words can be. It is their problem, not yours!
Thanks! My boyfriend does want to punch him. He actually lost all the weight when he joined football, years and years ago when we were kids. Now, he's a senior in high school and the captain of the football team. So now he's basically huge and is all muscles. It really annoys me because he used to be chunky and I never would make fun of him. As he got older he got meaner. It's gotten to the point where I've finally gotten fed up with his bs in calling me names so I've slapped him in the arm. I had said stop enough times to make me puke, so it was a version of just stop already jerk. He wound up beating me up and my mother decided that it was my fault. Lovely? It doesn't help that he's five eleven and I'm five one.
Anyway. I've tried ignoring it. I've tried fighting back verbally, I've tried talking to my mom. Nothing works. My boyfriend is moving down here soon and we're moving in together so I won't have to deal with it.
I just feel bad for the woman he's going to marry.
I was just reading about this the other day. Here is a quote from the book The Body Fat Solution by Tom Venuto:
Quote:
There's an old fisherman's story that if you put a crab in a bucket, you have to put a lid on the bucket, otherwise the crab will climb out. However, if you put a bunch of crabs in a bucket, you don't need to put a lid on it because if one crab tries to escape, the other crabs will pull it back down.
Unfortunately, a lot of people are like crabs. Anytime you announce that you want to achieve a big goal, these people will line up to tell you why you can't do it, as the biographies of all the world's greatest inventors will show you. If you begin anyway, they'll be there again to tell you you're wasting your time. If you start to move forward and become successful while the others do not, the ones left behind will often feel jealousy, resentment, or contempt for you. If they can't succeed themselves, they won't want you to succeed either, so they'll try to drag you down, like crabs in a bucket.
Almost everywhere around you, negative forces are trying to pull you down. Regrettably, the people closest to you can sometimes be the biggest negative influences of all. A large part of socializing involves eating and drinking together and the nature of those habits can easily rub off on you. Poor choices are easier to justify when others around you are making those same poor choices.
....
That's why you must guard yourself against negative people, environments, and influences and build your social network into a fortress of positivity.
Your mental and emotional energy is too precious to squander on negative, pessimistic people. Your interactions with others should leave you energized and charged up, not depressed and depleted. Emotional vampires will suck you dry if you let them. You must do everything in your power to protect your positive energy and keep negative people away from you.
I don't know your living situation, but I think you should try to avoid your brother right now. Maybe when he notices that you are avoiding him, he'll wonder why and you can have a productive conversation about it. Right now, it sounds to me like he is one of the crabs in the bucket.
You are a gorgeous woman inside and out. His behavior is destructive and it's truly a symptom of him being afraid of watching you achieve YOUR goals.
Sad sad sad! The light at the end of the TUNNEL is that you control your happiness and you can choose to Take Charge EVERY DAY and work out. Be true to you. YOUR WORTH IT! YOU ARE LOVED!
that crab story was great!! and soooooo true. its so sad that when you start setting goals for yourself, other people (even your friends and family members sometimes) are jealous and feel insecure by your motivation. if you cant ignore him and you cant get away from him, just try killing him with kindness. next time he says something derogatory, maybe say, "i know, i have a lot to lose! im hoping i will be as successful as you are!" even if he keeps being hateful, at least YOU know that you are being the bigger person.
That crab story really was great! I've tried the kind thing. It doesn't change his attitude, I usually try to avoid him, though he's hardly home, and when he is he's always putting us down. It's not just me he does it to, it's the youngest (my little brother) as well. He's the middle child. Thank you for all the advice! Hopefully one day he'll understand that when he acts like that people won't like him.
If it's such a big deal and an ongoing problem, I would be calling him on it. I'm guessing he's around 17 or 18, yes? It's a horribly insensitive age for boys especially, but if it upsets you to such an extent, stand up for yourself. You don't need to turn it into an argument, but you do need to be assertive and explain how you feel. But make sure you pick your time - don't do it when you're already upset.
I'd also suggest you talk to your mother and explain how you feel, that when your brother was big, it felt that she deliberately stopped you from making nasty comments about him and that she's not intervening when he makes comments about you. He's living in her house, presumably she's setting some rules around respecting others and that kind of thing. Especially since he's doing the same thing to your younger brother - is your mother really aware of that?
Obviously, I don't know all the details, but it sounds like a form of bullying, and that sort of behaviour is always unacceptable. I'm defining bullying as: Behaviour that is not legitimate or warranted in the circumstances
and is: Unwanted by the receiver; and is: Repeated or of a significant nature such that there is Detrimental effect on the work environment or performance in some way. Now that's the definition for bullying that most NZ workplaces use and it is applicable here, I think, even though we're obviously not talking about a workplace situation.
Most bullies will back down if you call them on their behaviour and in some cases may not even be aware of what they're doing - he may think it's teasing. If it were just involving you, then I would probably just ignore the behaviour, but since he's doing the same sort of thing to your other brother, I don't feel ignoring the behaviour is the right thing to do.
Do you live in the sort of household where anything a male child does is next to godliness and anything a female child does is automatically wrong? I ask because it kind of reminds me of the dynamic my mother created between my brother and I where he was the golden child and I was his emotional punching bag (as an aside, he's grown up and we are very close).
I am in the camp of "ignore, ignore, ignore, and then move out".
I also hate former fat people who feel it is their duty to inform current fat people that they're fat and, in the eyes of the Sanctimonious Ex Fattie, repulsive and subhuman. It's disgusting - people who were there should remember how it felt.
In summation - ignore, ignore, ignore. If you have the family dynamic that I had speaking to your mother will only make it worse but obviously only you know that.
You can't change other people, you can only change your reaction. It's important to say what you feel and then to let it go and move on. If I were in your shoes I would sit down with both your Mom and your brother and say something along these lines. "You're my family and I love you, and I look to you for support and understanding, especially when you know how hard it is for me to lose weight. If you who are related to me can't support me then who will? The things you say and do really hurt me and if you continue doing those things I can no longer rely on you to help me like family should." From that point on ignore your brother and everything he says... I don't mean roll your eyes and walk away, I mean pretend that he's not even there. If you show any kind of response like walking away, rolling your eyes, even exhaling while he's putting you down it's a response and that's what he enjoys. Once he realizes that you're not listening to him and not being affected by his almighty words he'll back off and pick on someone else (unfortunately).
I agree that your boyfriend should punch him. You could also join in. But then I have a fithy temper which has got me into trouble more than once, so perhaps that's not the best piece of advice.
But I definitely sympathise with you. My parents have always been at best indifferent about my weight and attempts at weight loss, and at worst my mother is disparaging. I moved away to university and then emigrated. Twice.
If you can, I would second speaking with your Mum. Point out the inconsistency in her attitude to you and your brother. As for the young man himself, try to ignore him. A previous poster in this thread is right: he's bullying you. We don't put up with bullying at school or in the workplace, and we shouldn't put up with it at home either.
It's hard, though: a couple of days ago I had a really tough phone conversation with my father. He was shocked by what I had to say, I got very teary, but he's said he'll come to visit and we can talk about things more. Sometimes - just like with weight loss - we have to take a deep breath and face the tough things head on, hoping (and knowing, too, somewhere inside) that it will turn out ok. And it will. This is your life and you are taking control of it. No-one can take that away from you.
I'm with wannabe. Showing him how much he upsets you or telling him that what he says is upsetting you will just give him more power over you. As much as it hurts, just ignore it and pretend he's not even there. Be prepared to hear worse from him in order to get a reaction out of you, but hold your guns. Tell your bf not to react as well. He'll run out of steam quickly enough. Your mother has no intention of setting things right in the household, I'm sorry to say. My mother was quick in setting my sis and me straight while growing up, but I don't see this with your mother. I'm not saying your mom is a bad person at all, and it doesn't look like she's going to change after all these years.
What's more, I would suggest taking all that anger at him and your situation and turning it into energy on the treadmill or workout. You'll be surprised at how much of a motivation it can be.
Good luck, chickie! Hope it all works out for you in the end.
Last edited by Sunnigummi; 08-27-2009 at 07:19 AM.
I've done the completely ignore bit to my brother before, for like 3 months once.
Just because they're family does NOT give them the right to treat you like this! You have no obligation to people who don't respect you (even your own mother). I would tell your mom calmly what you feel, and then leave.
I think your brother still has some growing up to do, just ignore him, I doubt reasoning would work right now.
There were some members of my family that were just plain detrimental to me, my spouse and to my kids. Without getting into details, they are out of my life now. It may seem extreme but self preservation ended up winning in my case. To take it a step further, this year's New Years Resolution for me was to get all the drama I could OUT of my life. That also entailed other toxic people in my life.
Your parents need to step to the plate with your brother. If they aren't willing to, maybe call your brother on the carpet yourself the VERY next time he says something cruel in front of whomever is there. Ask him why he is doing it in a very flat and calm tone. Then, just look at him.
Putting Up With Put Downs
