So my boyfriend and I just got in a fight over his friend. WTF.
My boyfriend's best friend uses him. He is a total a-hole. He only ever asks him to hang out if he needs something or needs to go somewhere. This kid doesn't have a car or drive because he got 2 DWI's and has MANY speeding tickets. He thinks he is above the law. ANYWAY. He asked my boyfriend to drive him to court a few days ago and left my boyfriend sitting in the car for like 3 hours. And now he called him to go to the mall which is like 30 mins away from his house so he can get a new cell phone. Then I tried to explain to him that he is just using my boyfriend to do things/get things. My boyfriend agreed with me and I got annoyed because he is continuing to drive his friend around and pretend to be his driver or whatever. Then he flipped out on me and called me a B-ch and hung up on me.
Sorry this probably doesn't make sense. I just needed to rant.
Sometimes us girls do silly things in the name of "friendship," too. He was probably just mad cuz you were right. He'll catch on and eventually stop doing it.
Ya know .. your b/f's friend is taking advantage, but that doesn't mean he's "using" him or that there's not a genuine friendship between them. Friends can (and I believe should) be friends *despite* each other's flaws.
I'm sure your boyfriend knows how you feel and is somewhat defensive of his friend. I'm sure he also knows that his friend is (at the moment, anyway) a screwup. But your b/f is being a loyal friend to his guy friend, anyway.
I think maybe you just need to step out of this one. Unless it negatively impacts YOU, I think in a relationship this falls under the "none of your business" area. Gently saying "Honey, I'm worried that you're being taken advantage of" is probably appropriate. Getting involved and making negative statements about his buddy, or worse, getting on the phone and lecturing his buddy, is only going to make him defensive and put a wedge in your relationship.
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Last edited by PhotoChick; 09-17-2008 at 08:46 PM.
You boyfriend is an adult and is chosing to be friends with a load. Try to look at it positively -- you now know if you were ever down and out, he'd be the type of person to stick around to help out and be there for you.
When I met my husband his best friend (he'd had since grade school), was living with him, rent free and had for quite a while, using my husband's truck because my husband had lost his license, borrowing money, etc. The whole nine yards. I saw it as friend abuse -- my husband saw it as being a good friend. They are still friends to this day (15 years later) -- both of them are married, settled down, etc. And, they are there for each other.
Maybe his friend will grow out of the "using" stage, maybe not. Either way, it's your boyfriends choice if he wants to stick it out or if he gets sick of it on his own. I think you would regret being someone who tries to interfere. Let it ride it's course.
My husband and I have very few "off limit" topics, but severely criticizing each others friends is one of them. No matter how "truthful" the criticism, it sounds like "you just don't want me to have any friends."
I've been on both sides of those arguments in the past, and they've always been ugly.
My husband has friends I don't care for. I think they're leeches and hubby is far too nice to say so. When hubby complains about his friends being leeches, I nod and sympathize, and even ask him (after he complains) what he wants to do bout it, but I don't make suggestions or criticisms myself.
He does the same for me. If I'm griping about a friend, and hubby says "that's awful of her to do that to you." That makes me feel supported. But, if he suggests I "dump the witch," I feel like he's bossing me around and critical of my friends (it's not too different from the "I can say nasty things about my brother, but I'll fight anyone else who does rule").
Is it logical? Not entirely, but it seems to work that way more often than not.
Honestly I think it's kinda the same thing as when you vent about your spouse or b/f to your best friend. You don't want your best friend saying your hubby is a loser or a jerk - even though that's what YOU just said.
What you want is for your friend to say "I'm sorry! Let's go drink wine and talk about how men are pigs." Not "your husband is a pig!"
Same thing with friends. Especially your husbands or b/f's friends. Sympathise, but don't criticize.
Honestly I think it's kinda the same thing as when you vent about your spouse or b/f to your best friend. You don't want your best friend saying your hubby is a loser or a jerk - even though that's what YOU just said.
What you want is for your friend to say "I'm sorry! Let's go drink wine and talk about how men are pigs." Not "your husband is a pig!"
Same thing with friends. Especially your husbands or b/f's friends. Sympathise, but don't criticize.
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Yeah... Definitely. (Side pondering: I wonder why we humans do that... )
To the OP: It sucks. But it is his friend. If possible, completely avoid talking about the a-h friend at all. The only thing I really despise about that situation is that your boyfriend called you a name like b---- and then hung up on you. Quite honestly, he wouldn't be my boyfriend anymore at that point, disrespecting me like that. It'd be quite different if he said, "It's true my friend can act a certain way, but he's my friend, and I really don't want to talk about this anymore." But he didn't. He called you a name and hung up on you. Inexcusable.
I feel the same way towards one of my bf friends, but my brother put it in perspective for me. He said, every guy has a least one loser friend... if he doesn't have one loser friend that means he's the loser in his group of friends.
I've come to appreciate my boyfriends ability to remain a loyal friend despite his friend's massive short comings; it shows he's compassionate and not judge mental. The bottom line is that my bf enjoys his friends company so it's not like he's not getting something out of the relationship. I assume it's the same for your bf.
The only thing I really despise about that situation is that your boyfriend called you a name like b---- and then hung up on you. Quite honestly, he wouldn't be my boyfriend anymore at that point, disrespecting me like that.
Oh, maybe I misunderstood the situation. I thought the OP talked to the *friend* and the *friend called her a b--ch.
In which case, of course, I'd expect b/f to step in and say "you don't talk to my g/f like that".
I agree about the name calling, it doesn't do anything but make a bad situation worse. We all know how it is to just want to shake someone and scream at them WHY. but it is not for us to really understand. They are friends for a reason. I have a Best Friend that makes the stupidest decisions i have ever seen and me and my husband talk about it but he would never say "You should not be her friend". He has a friend that i really do not care for. That i feel uses him and needs to grow up, OMG does he need to grow up and i used to ask him "why do continuosly set yourself up, you can not count on him" but then i realized that as long as i am here to support my hubby and it did not directly impact me then to let my hubby come to terms with whatever on his own about it.
I agree with the others about the name calling, if that is what happened.
Coming from someone who has had some pretty crummy friends over the years, I can empathize with your boyfriend. I've bent over backwards for my friends over the years and a lot have used me and been very hurtful to me... but I kept them as a friend. Why? Well, I still wonder that sometimes, but I know at the time I was very lonely and felt I didn't have a plethora of other options, so I figured crummy friends were better than no friends at all. That's just my take on the situation.
So, while you may feel that your boyfriend is being taken advantage of, I'm going to have to agree with the others on staying out of it. Be supportive, but don't tell him he should get rid of his friend. He probably knows that he isn't being treated fairly and it's his business to take charge of the situation if he wants to.
So my boyfriend and I just got in a fight over his friend. WTF.
I agree. He's an adult and can figure these things out. Just be there for him and be supportive of him.
