Finally, I’m getting around to some personals. You’ve all been So kind and So supportive lately (well, always, but especially lately) and I feel bad that I haven’t gotten to say thanks to each of you! So, apparently, here’s a book:
SANDY, I can only imagine the stress of this whole SD/wedding issue. I hope your DH is listening and at least understands how you feel. I hope you have his support. How much you spend on her sometimes doesn’t have anything to do with what she deserves, it how much it’s worth to you to keep peace, and support your DH. You’ve already said how important his relationship with his Grand Babies is. It’s a trade off that only you can decide the value of, and that’s REALLY hard. * No, my SD has nothing to do with our current relationship problems, other than the fact that he accumulated huge debt to buy her things before we got together – horse, tack, trailer, more tack, motor home.... She did her very best to separate us years ago and it didn’t work. I regret that she will have a chance to tell her dad how horrible I always was (because of course, she is responsible for nothing!) but perhaps after I’m gone, if blaming me for everything brings them any closer together, then fine. ** Just saw your post from today – Your right, I’m sure he cares about seeing his GD, but he knows he can’t control it.
to you both!
ANNIE, Thanks for the hugs! Bill doesn’t know yet, but I have to prepare to leave. He’s never going to listen or see reason, we’re always going to live one step ahead of collections, all the plans we made were empty fantasies, and the relationship is just too cold. Now that he’s announced that our financial woes are my fault, after he’s taken every penny I’ve made for 7 years (last year it was $55,000), and he won’t except any responsibility for the prior dept… I’m just done.
Maybe I’ll find someone someday who doesn’t lie to me, blame me and doesn’t mind putting his arms around me. Maybe I won’t. But I deserve that much, and I deserve to not have to cry so much or feel this alone in the relationship. I’m not whining now, I’m just saying that’s how it is. I’ll miss his family terribly – I’ll even miss him. I don’t hate him, I just can’t live like this forever.
As much as it has meant for me to get off the truck, he’s been secretly planning all along to keep me on it for 2 more years or longer. That right there is a huge, heartbreaking lie. He blamed me for him not being able to retire off the truck in 2-3 more years and said that since I quit, he’ll be tied to a truck for the rest of his life. I zinged him though – he was just asking me if I had any other office job offers and I told him I couldn’t afford to take them – because he told me I have to make $35-40 k a year, I have no choice – I have to drive a truck. It gave me a bit of pleasure to hear the silence on the phone when he heard his own words back. Of course, he’s still planning on having me turn over that paycheck or at least continue paying his bills.
I need to build a life. There’s only one person here with my best interests at heart, and it’s NOT him. I know he doesn’t INTEND to hurt me, but that doesn’t change the destruction. I don’t INTEND to hurt him, but that won’t change that destruction, either. That’s the really sad part. But feeling bad for someone else is no reason to sacrifice my life, and that’s what I’ve been doing. He’s just not happy in any line of work that’s open to him, but whether I’m happy is irrelevant. He wants to be and live like a millionaire, but I’m supposed to live on nothing and give him everything I make. I know, and now I’m finally ready to deal with it: “What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” right?? It’ll be OK, I know that. It’s just something unpleasant we both have to go through. I’m going to be OK, and who knows what good things could around the corner?? We never know what life has in store, but Someone has a bigger plan. I just need to do the best I can… and starting with that $50k trucking job should be a really good start on a new life!
-Sorry. I rambled!
HOLY COW,
MISTI!!! You’ve got me really scared to death now! All those chemicals! Was that really the English version of the list you posted??? Don’t be worried that someone would get upset over sharing information, especially something so important and relevant to what we put in our mouths! Each person can take that info and make a more educated decision about their food. If they choose to ignore it they can, but I can’t imagine any sane person being upset to be educated more. Personally, I’m really glad I don’t like strawberry shakes. But I can guess that chocolate is at least as bad. Oh well, I’ll skip them both and just worry about what’s sneaking it’s way into my well water. I do still have an occasional Lean Cuisine, but I don’t live on them. On the other hand, I can’t imagine ever sticking my hand in the freezer again without thinking… ‘ooooeeeeww, do I really wanna???’ * It sounds like that guy was just impressed with you lifting that thing! He didn’t think you looked ‘tough’ before you picked it up – he was just impressed. Some guys are just too used to fluff-chicks! You go, Superwoman! Maybe with that cool new machine you can up (or change) your caloric burn. Perhaps it’s just what you need to kick the loss back in. I’ve gone to adding a second aerobic workout a few days a week, just 10 minutes or so to kick my metabolism / heart rate up. That seems to be what burned the gained pounds back off, and I’m actually down 3 today to 271… but don’t tell anybody – it’s not officially yet & I don’t wanna jinx it for tomorrow.
NoNamesLeft – GREAT job on using restraint at the Chinese buffet!! That’s what will keep the weight off when you’ve gotten where you want to be!
LUAN. You definitely deserve better!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Nuf said.
MELISSA – What a great “tweak” to your workouts. I read an article in Prevention once that did a study that showed that variations like you’re talking about is really good. WOW – cutting FOUR minutes off your time! Fantastic!
AMMI, Glad to hear that maybe your tummy problem is finally on the mend. It sounds like it’s been horrible and I hope you’re back to 100% very soon!! * I don’t think I officially posted that I’d decided on a … can I say Annulment instead of divorce? I guess that will be determined by how he takes this. I’m just getting my ducks in a row right now. I’m not going to say anything to him until after I’m working. I’m OK with it right now. There will be days I’m not OK with it, and who knows what else. But right now,
I’m fine. I’m very focused on this weight journey and my health, and I’m able to start focusing on dreams that had died. There’s a lot to deal with in between of course, like telling him, but I’m taking it one step at a time.
Ooooo,
PATTI – You mentioned Stew. It’s cold enough these days that that sounds great. I think I’ll get the ol’ crock pot revved up here today, on your inspiration. Thanks!
SHARON, I don’t think Annie made any mistake. My SD’s wedding is in May of next year, and I’m pretty sure I’ll be gone by then. Actually, for the first time I was starting to look forward to seeing her mother, because my weight will be so much lower by then than they’ve ever seen me. That alone is a motivation to go jump on the TM! She & her mother are cut from the same cloth – greedy, selfish, mean… and lots littler than me. Thanks for the invite to cry on your shoulder, I’m sure there will be days when I need it! Right now I’m doing fine. I guess just making the final decision takes a horrible weight off my mind. No tears today!!! * As for riding Gabe, ooo, that day gets closer and closer. I didn’t work him yesterday, but I went over 3 times and just hung out with him, feeding him an apple, leaning on him, scratching his beautiful big black butt. Only problem was every time I got that far back he turned around to check me for more food – what a mooch! I didn’t feel really ambitious, and besides, I don’t want him to think “work” every time he sees me coming.
NANCY, Yes, I’ve pretty well made the decision to go. I’m tired of being miserable, of struggling towards nothing, of not feeling like I trust him to talk to because even if he nods yes, it doesn’t change a d*d thing. I want a partner – not a boss, not a child, not a master, not a servant, not a daddy – a loving, trusting, trustworthy partner. Short of that, I’ll just have to sleep alone. It won’t be an easy road this next year, but last year was no walk in the park. I’m determined not to let it interfere with my health-quest though! * AWESOME job on your walk-a-thon! $500 is outstanding!! And even MORE AWESOME, is that you are back on track, recommitted to losing weight and getting healthy. I, of all people, know that things can really get us down and destroy our focus and efforts! But you and I are both going to rise above that & take control of our futures! Five years from now we may have different lives, different jobs & perhaps even different partners, but we don’t want to look back then and say “I wish I’d done something five years ago.”
TODAY is ‘last year’ and ‘five years ago’. Time to flush the blue funk, no matter how legitimate it is to feel blue, and work through it. Personally I’ve found lately that working out lifts my mood so much that I’m more motivated to do it. It won’t change the
world, but it can change our
lives, and the way we perceive both! Good job – GO FOR IT! You deserve it!
Oh, BTW – HAPPY ANNIVERSARY!!!
New Product alert: At least new to me. It’s called
Naturally More in your Peanut Butter section. It has fewer calories, more protein, more fiber, plus the Omegas (especially 3) and folic acid! The ingredient list is: Roasted peanuts, Wheat germ, Flax seed, Cane sugar, Egg whites and Honey. I think it’s really good, and although cane sugar is in there, the net carbs (after fiber) are lower than regular PB.
MISTI – since I’m officially appointing you list nutrition researcher, you can tell me if there’s anything really horrible about it… but this one I might just eat anyway
Step aside, chocolate!!
Well, the cats are in High-Kill gear lately. They’re bringing home dead mousies by the dozen. Simon wants to pick them up and carry them into the house. UGH! NOT gonna happen!
I’ve got a BD party to go to shortly for my girl that rides the mustang that I talked about all summer. Don’t worry – no cake for this girl! Ta-Ta!
REMEMBER: TODAY IS THE 'LAST MONTH' IN 'I WISH I'D DONE SOMETHING DIFFERENT LAST MONTH.'