I've struggled with this for the past few weeks and I just need someone to tell me I'm not crazy.
Until I was 14 I was always a normal healthy weight. At the time I was working 2 nights a week in a local bar (just collecting glasses...I started part-time when I was 12). One new years eve I had to work late and didn't know when I would finish so told my Dad not to collect me as normal. My Aunt was also there and was going to leave me home at the end of the night. Well to cut a long story short I was bored and hanging around outside on my own and a local man (married and with kids) came up and was forcing himself on him, I think I've blocked most of the rest out but it ended with my Aunt coming outside to find me to go home, she interrupted him but she didn't sense anything...just thought he was talking to me. Next thing the guys wife and two daughters come out and they are all going home with my aunt. His wife in the front, my aunt driving, me in the back with him on one side with his hands all over me and his daughters on the other side. Yet I never said a thing. We dropped him and family to his house, then me to my house. My parents were in bed, I went to bed and that was that.
I had to see him generally every week for the next 5 years - until I gave up the part-time job, each time, he was friendly, said hello. Since then I've just put it to the back of my mind and not thought about it. the only people I've told this to is one friend and my sister-in-law.
My point is since then my weight has just gone up and up. For the last few months it has started to come off - I find myself totally motivated to lose weight but find myself becoming increasingly insecure. I don't make contact with friends, return calls or emails, I distance my family (I live about 4hrs away now), I never let anyone get close to me but I'm getting even more bloody controlled since the lb's are dropping off. It seems the only time I'm actually happy is when I'm working out.
I feel like crap - my friends think I'm being horrible by pushing them away. I don't even know how to explain...its just I don't know who I am anymore. My security blanket is slowly slipping away, along with the person I thought I was, I'm even finding it more and more difficult to make conversation with my housemates...where is my identity gone?
Has anyone got advice, options, stories, comments. Tell me I'm being stupid please....