First of all, let me say that I'm pretty new here - but I already lean on the posts that I read here everyday to help keep me motivated and on track....so thank you I'm really struggling right now, though, and not even reading here has helped....I thought maybe writing something down and getting some feedback might help.
I just kind of feel like I've been run over by a bus, and am having a really hard time maintaining focus. It just hit me hard this morning, how fat I really am......I was standing at the top of the stairs, waiting for my son, and caught the sideview of myself in a hallway mirror...and angle of myself I rarely see. I realized how deeply in trouble with my weight I really am, how far I have to go to make things OK.....and I just wanted to dissolve, disappear, whatever. It's so hard because I *thought* I had realized this, and had things under control....I thought I was on my way. But this just took me so by surprise - it was so odd, but it was like I was seeing myself for the first time as I TRULY am, not as I let myself believe that I am. Now I just feel so down and defeated - like I don't even want to leave the house, like I don't want to do anything.
I consider myself a pretty strong person, so this is hard for me to admit. I feel like something is squeezing my heart....I just feel frozen by my shame. I feel embarrassed and humiliated - I don't normally feel this way, and I hate it but I don't know how to get myself over this.
I do the right things. I eat well, I exercise....but right now I feel like it's all for nothing and that I'll never get to where I want to be. How do you pull yourself up when you feel like this? How do you take those baby steps, those one-at-a-time advances to your goal when you feel like your goal is a million miles away?
How do you find or maintain the motivation to succeed when you feel so worthless?
They just moved my grandmother into a hospice yesterday - she's not expected to live more than a few weeks. In the back of my mind, I always believed that she would see my lose weight in her lifetime..... I know that I'm also struggling with the knowledge that it's not going to happen. I'm dealing with a lot of grief, too, which I know isn't helping how I feel about myself right now....but I also know this isn't all just about my grandma. It's also about me, and my disappointment in myself - and the fact that as much as I like to think I have everything in control, clearly I really don't.
I guess I could just use a hug.