It's **** week at my design college. We're scrambling to finish up the huge projects by next Friday. I spent the last two nights in my studio. I was good on Monday. I knew I was going to be moving out of my apartment for the summer, so I didn't feel guilty about bringing all of my healthy food.
But as my friends and I went from our studio to an evening film class across campus, I forgot my dinner in our studio. We went fastfooding. I thought "hey, I've been good all day... I deserve a spicy chicken sandwich" I didn't get mayo or anything, and intended on taking off the bun, so that my splurge wouldn't do much damage. I ended up waiting 5 minutes for my sandwich, and as an "I'm sorry" they threw in some french fries. They couldn't have done anything worse for me.
I'm an all-or-nothing thinker. The day was done, so I had the whole sandwich, and all the fries. That night, I slept in studio, and had no food to hold me through the long night. I had a lot of junk food (cereal, candy bars, the works). I let myself continue through the day on Tuesday. I didn't even let myself get hungry, I was snacking so much. I spent the night in studio again Tuesday night. My friend left Pringles on her desk, and I ate the whole can without asking her, and she was baffled today when she found out. I was so embarassed and tried to joke about it and told her I'd buy her another... but I couldn't believe myself.
I got on the scale today, and saw a number that I expected, but it was somehow unexpected just the same. As if I was going to get by with my binges? Today, I wasn't hungry and didn't eat much, and when i came home for dinner, I had a good tuna sandwich and low calorie yogurt. Followed by the rest of the tuna... followed by cereal... followed by ramen... followed by two granola bars... and an apple.... I feel disgusting, but all I want to do is eat more. ahhhhh! What do I do?
Ugh... I know what I need to do, but I just needed to vent. I know it will be a LOT easier once we're done with **** week and I get back to a less stressful life. But I can't help but think i'd be LESS stressed if i wasn't gaining weight on top of having to do all these projects.
Why can't we train our bodies to remember the non-stress of controlling our eating rather than the momentary stress relief of eating?