(Okay, a lot of ranting.)
Right, this morning I'm feeling angry and frustrated.
I have gained back 3.5 pounds, due to the Emergency Trip to Minnesota. So in 2 months of following WW--my first two months, mind--I've lost a total of 4 pounds. That's absurd, and it makes me angry. Angry as in scream-at-the-world angry--life is so unfair, why me, I'm doing everything right, WTF is UP with my body, etc. So there's that frustration.
Which sparked the idea to play it really strict and tight--"perfect"--with my eating/exercise, and keep the records so that I can go scream at doctors. Which has never worked in the past--they shame me for my size and don't listen when I tell them what I'm doing, or don't believe me--but maybe if I had months of paperwork to shove in their faces...?
Which sparked the idea to go over and plug things in to Fitday, which got me adding new foods, which got me playing with numbers, which got me frustrated by the fact that I just can't seem to get all of my vitamins no matter WHAT I do...which started a viscious mental hysteria.
For the record, I don't feel like I'm competing with you all. I'm genuinely thrilled that things are going so well for you. But I do feel like I should be getting similar results. I mean...I'm eating my Points, I'm exercising, I'm eating whole/natural foods. Be honest with me, guys--what am I doing wrong? How can I weigh as much as I weigh (290) and need LESS food to lose weight (I'm averaging about 33-34 Points a day)? What is WRONG with my body?
For the record, for those who don't know me (which is all of you!), I've lifted weights and done cardio consistently for 15 years. Even though I'm 290 pounds I still have muscle cuts. I'm 5'9", large frame. Female. Hurm, what else could you need to know...? 30 years old. I lost weight once before, when I was 23, down to 180 pounds. I was a size 10-12, and looked 'right' for my body. The regain has been over the last 5 years, tumultuous and painful years for which I have had therapy and (in that regard) am doing very well.
It's taking all I have to not just say and give up. And I'm so tired of that "feeling better should be reward enough" platitude. Yeah, I do feel better when I eat better. And I wouldn't actually devolve to living on Taco Bell (it makes my stomach hurt) and ice cream. I would at least not feel like I'm beating my head against a brick wall. What is WRONG with my body?
I would go to the doctor, because I'm concerned, I really am. The headaches and the dizziness lately...? But they yell at me, and don't believe me anyway. I feel like I'm thrown out on my own here. Figure it out.
Feeling hysterical. Thank you to anyone who can help.