Oh, Denise.
Everyone has already given you so much valuable feedback, but I'll just add my voice to the chorus. I'm in the process of recovering from six months of high dose chemo, which effectively put me in remission from what was Stage IIIB (almost IV but they decided to go with III) cancer. Like plenty of other survivors, I know intimately that every minute of life you're given is a gift, just as love is a gift and good health is a gift. It's completely understandable that you would be reeling from the knowledge that again you're in love with a man about whom you cannot say, "He will be mine for the rest of my life." Of COURSE you're going to have a profound reaction to that realization. My heart goes out to you, Denise, it really does. The thing that I urge you to remember is that you don't have control over who you love, just as none of us can predict what will transpire in the next minute, much less the next day. You love him, he loves you, and that's it. Your time with him is a gift, so hold it close! Your health and life also are gifts, so do not squander them -- no matter how badly you're feeling right now. Throwing up your hands and shutting down will not help you.
I'd like to mention also that my form of lymphoma was much more frequently lethal 10 years ago than it is today -- so you never know what medical advances will transpire. You don't have a crystal ball, so don't anticipate pain and loss when what you really have is love given you by someone you love back. It all boils down to that.
I feel such tenderness for what you're going through, so I fear that what I'm about to say will sound callous -- that's the last thing I want. I really feel strongly, though, that this falls into the category of "It is what it is." You simply don't have control over what happens to this man, or how it affects your life, or even how it will be in the interim. And that is terrifying. I dreamt last night that my cancer returned, and that an enormous tumor was growing in my abdomen. When I woke up I was panicked and so frightened -- I was shaking and my heart was racing. But you know what? It was just a dream. The reality is that I, like you, only have control over my own actions, and how I react to what life throws in my path. Life is uncertain, we all live with that -- the difference in your case, as in my case, is that we can give a name to that uncertainty. I know that if my cancer returns, I want to look back at the days I had after fighting it the first time and know that I loved my life and this world and didn't take either of them for granted, that I showered the people I love with love.
So Denise, while you've got this terrifying uncertainty, you've also got the very real certainties of love and hope and the promise of each new moment. Do not abandon these gifts because you're afraid. And let us help you with the fear -- don't stay away from sources of support when most need it!
I'm sending all KINDS of positive vibes your way, girl -- love, strength, and hope.