This made me laugh and cry all at once!
xoEliz
The Middle Wife
By an Anonymous 2nd grade teacher
I've been teaching now for about fifteen years. I have two kids myself, but
the best birth story I know is the one I saw in my own second-grade
classroom a few years back.
When I was a kid, I loved show-and-tell. So I always have a few sessions
with my students. It helps them get over shyness and usually, show-and-tell
is pretty tame. Kids bring in pet turtles, model airplanes, pictures of
fish they catch, stuff like that. And I never, ever place any boundaries or
limitations on them. If they want to lug it to school and talk about it,
they're welcome.
Well, one day this little girl, Erica, a very bright, very outgoing kid,
takes her turn and waddles up to the front of the class with a pillow
stuffed under her sweater. She holds up a snapshot of an infant.
"This is Luke, my baby brother, and I'm going to tell you about his
birthday. First, Mom and Dad made him as a symbol of their love, and then
Dad put a seed in my Mom's stomach, and Luke grew in there. He ate for nine
months through an umbrella cord."
She's standing there with her hands on the pillow and I'm trying not to
laugh and wishing I had my camcorder with me. The kids are watching her in
amazement.
"Then, about two Saturdays ago, my Mom starts saying and going, 'Oh, oh,
oh! Erica puts a hand behind her back and groans. "She walked around the
house for, like an hour, 'Oh, oh, oh!
Now the kid's doing this hysterical duck walk, holding her back and
groaning. "My Dad called the middle wife. She delivers babies, but she
doesn't have a sign on the car like the Domino's man". "They got my Mom to
lie down in bed like this". Then Erica lies down with her back against the
wall. "And then, pop! My Mom had this bag of water she kept in there in
case he got thirsty, and it just blew up and spilled all over the bed, like
psshhheew!" It was too much! "Then the middle wife starts saying 'push,
push, and breathe, breathe.'" They started counting, but never even got
past ten." "Then, all of a sudden, out comes my brother. He was covered in
yucky stuff, they all said was from Mom's play-center! (placenta)... so
there must be a lot of stuff inside there."
Then Erica stood up, took a big theatrical bow and returned to her seat.
I'm sure I applauded the loudest. Ever since then, if it's show-and-tell
day, I bring my camcorder, just in case another Erica comes along.
