I am new to the board and have read through many of the posts regarding eating disorders. My problems with food and body image have followed me my whole life. I grew up being told I was fat and that I should not eat certain foods because they would make me even fatter. I currently weigh 186 lbs - down from 220 lbs (2 years ago). While I am pleased with my loss, I am never happy with myself. I have tried counseling and it seemed to help me (temporarily). I suffered from anorexia and was obsessed with exercising when I was a teenager. I lived on celery, diet pepsi, apples & cigarettes and exercised @ 3-4 hours per day. After becoming very sick I realized that this was not how I should be treating my body. I know what I "should" do to be healthy it is just almost impossible for me to stick to it for more than a week. I always feel like a failure if I do not exercise 7 days a week (in excess) and if I eat normally. I know that I still have the same tendencies that I had - but now I tend to binge eat every time I feel like I have failed. How a person can have anorexic, binge & compulisive eating tendencies is beyond me. I have gained & lost the same 10 lbs for over a year now and I am desparate to break the cycle. I have 2 kids and do not want for either of them to learn this behavior, it has also taken its toll on my marriage because I am never happy with the way that my body looks and am typically uncomfortable in intimate situations because I am afraid that my husband will see all of my flaws and will no longer find me attractive.

I know that this post is really long and I apologize - but has anyone figured out how to find a happy medium and just be able to be fit and healthy without going to extremes? How do you learn to love yourself and your body?

Hi Tamdee -

I am so sorry to hear about your struggles. One of my best friends has been struggling with anorexia for the last 10 years. I personally, have some serious body image issues. I started taking laxatives (LOTS of laxatives). Then I started getting sick. I wouldn't make myself throw up, but whenever I ate, I'd become so disgusted with myself that I'd throw up anyway. The more depressed I became, the worse it got.

I finally got to the point where I didn't want to eat anything - ever. Thankfully, I have a very supportive husband and a couple of wonderful friends. My sister-in-law had been doing Atkins and was having great success with it. I decided to give it a try and have been amazed at my results.

I still struggle with my body image. I still look in the mirror and see someone who weighs 200 pounds or more. But I also don't spend so much time in front of that mirror. I go for walks, I spend time with the supportive people in my life who will continue to assure and encourage me. I practice pilates, which has given me focus and a feeling of inner peace that I'm unaccustomed to. Sex can still be an issue, but even that's getting better as I'm progressing and doing what I can to make peace with my body.

We all have to find the right path for ourselves. What's working for me may not be the right thing for you. But I'm happy to talk and listen if you like.

1. We admitted we were powerless over food-- that our lives had become unmanageable.

www.oa.org

welcome! this is a personal journey,
miss chris