Ruth is honkin' insane, man.

Welcome Bray!! Glad you found us, you won't find a greater group of people anywhere on the 'net! We're all in different stages of weight loss/maintenance/gain (oops, did I say gain? ), and the amount of support and empathy is simply amazing!!

What breed of dog is your Sadie? If you haven't figured it out yet, I have two furchildren, both rescued cocker spaniels. They definitely keep me sane!

Now, in regards to the nuts on this board....well, they're all crazy and like Mauvais said, that's a good thing!!

Ruth, naked bungee jumping??? Is that why you've been to visit your daughter so much this last year??

In British Columbia, if we're not bungee jumping naked, we're either bathtub racing, polar bear swimming, marrying someone of the same sex.

Thanks everyone
I thought maybe I should try and put down a bit more about what I meant--looking for alternatives.
I'm 52, I weigh 240 and I've been overweight and conscious of the fact since I was 5. Amongst those who helped make sure I didn't forget were 5 year-old boys and my father. And then Catholic schooling complicated matters by telling me that if I prayed to God to help me loose weight I was committing the sin of vanity, if I ate too much I was committing the sin of gluttony, and that if I became pretty I would become the occasion of sin for those vulnerable male souls, the ones the religious hierarchy valued so highly.
Damned if you do and damned if you don't....

So, OK, that's ancient history. Problem is the tapes running in the back of my head (lazy, self-indulgent, defective, etc) defy being deleted or over-ridden.

I've done diet pills, TOPS, Weightwatchers, I went up and down with each of 5 pregnancies. I've done several stints with the 12 step program for compulsive eating.

I hit a wall two years ago June when my Dad died suddenly. I had visited he and Mom in Ontario 3 weeks earlier, and the night before I left he had humiliated me in public for accepting the late night snack my mom had prepared. I was right back, being the bad kid he was so disappointed in; at the same time I was furious and cried for hours before I could sleep. The next day he made an excuse not to come to the bus to wave goodbye.
And then he up and died.

By December I was having a lot of trouble with anxiety, my school work and TA responsibilities, my eating was crazy, and I was diagnosed with severe depression, put on Effexor, an anti-depressant.

The good news was that many expectations, deadlines were reduced, I did some workshops to help understand depression, I began some personal counselling with a good woman, and the drugs did affect my sense of well-being, they were a life-saver in the beginning.

My appetite and weight continued to be problem,however, and I came off the chemicals late in the summer, when , by co-incidence, a psychiatrist I know told me that a notorious side affect of Effexor is weight gain. Viscious circles.

Probably the most important thing I learned was about how we can affect the "feel-good"chemical balance in our bodies in many ways besides pills: like the exercise we have all been talking about, like relationships with pets, like laughing, and smelling the roses. For me it is new to think about these things not as things people do because they are happy, but as things people can do to get to happy.

The counsellor I spoke of did encourage me to test for low grade thyroid deficiency because she had seen women suffering from depression and weight problems and things like cold hands and feet, and had found that their symptoms had been relieved by very low doses of thyroid hormone. Sure enough my reading came in below normal, and I have just begun the lowest dose of stuff called Synthroid.

I don't know how this is going to help in the long run. I know my choices and attitude are still going to be bigger factors.
I know exactly how and what to eat to get healthy, I've had 47 years of practice, trial and error. I know I want to go back to the gym, to the strength training, I liked it and I loved to hit the pool after. I know that confidants such as this community are both a natural kind of therapy and safeguard against isolation.

I have to go out and find work, and I've been out of that market, because of child-bearing, self employment and school, for decades, and I know that right now when I need a sense of initiative, fear of rejection and disapproval are creating a paralysis, a cage, that feels un"brayk"able

So I'm really interested in the ways people are disarming their psychological bonds as well as shedding the pounds. In something I read over the weekend a character who was a practicing alchoholic was described as "the longest surviving suicide victim". I know that feeling and I don't want to be there.

I know that just talking about this stuff here is one way to walk away from it.

I am heading for a loss of 10lbs by Halloween and I will put that in the other message thread.

thanks again to all of you for being there....

and, oh yeah, I'm writing from Victoria

Bray-I believe that we, as women, are all a whole lot stronger than we think. my mom always says that God does not give you more than you can handle (SHE is catholic). It seems that after you go through bad stuff, and can look back at it you ARE stronger. Just think of how strong you are as a person for all the shiznit you have gone through.

I admire that you can come here and share this. You are on your way !!!!You are a wonderful person and heres a <<<HUG>>>

Bray - You are getting help, and that is a big step. You are stronger then you think.
As for psycological bonds - just time seems to help. Also having a number of very supportive people around, and you have come to the right place for that. Also breaking away from the people that aren't, which is much easier said then done.

You CAN do this.

Brayk-A number of us here suffer from depression (me included.) So we understand how you feel, though the specifics may differ a bit. The humiliation of weight (self inflicted and "other' inflicted) is DEFINITELY something I share with you. It is funny that you should mention alcohol as slow suicide, because i have honestly wondered if there are components of that for ME in my eating.
I am on meds still, and am working on changing those tapes that run in the background. After years of stopping myself and putting in a new tape (!!) whenever an old one started up (or at least TRYING to!!) I am sometimes getting the new tape without having to switch over!! I'm trying to help my youngest son with this, as he seems to have inherited the condition. Which of course starts the old tapes going in ME (It's all my fault etc......) It is just plain a lifetime struggle for some of us, but fighting sure beats the alternative!!!
Good luck to you re-entering the work force! This is a difficult time to be doing it. REMEMBER that some of the issues involved in job hunting have NOTHING to do with you. Don't wind up blaming yourself for those things. (Been there done THAT!!) It really helps to talk about this stuff sometimes too, but it is also hard to open up and be brave enough to do it. Lots of good people here willing to share though!!!