So it's been awhile but I pissed my husband off last night. On day number two of our actual exercising my husband asked me how much I weigh. Now most men should know that's a cardinal sin to ask a woman how much she weighs. I know it's my husband, and I share everything, but I feel so embarrassed and ashamed of how much I let myself go lately. This is the most I've weighed since my original 50lb weight loss in college and the most I've weighed in our 7 year relationship. When he asked I told him I didn't want to tell him, and he kept asking and I told him to "not go there" while it was running and getting frustrated. It should also be noted I'm on my period and double emotional sorry for the TMI but it plays a role. So after that he gets quiet and I know he's mad at me.
So before I go to work tonight when we usually kiss and hug and exchange I love yous he sits on the couch and it pisses me off more. So my period rage temper goes off and I say "aren't you going to kiss your fat wife goodnight?" And he goes to reply it's always about you isn't it? Since I didn't know what he meant I asked and he said that I always take out my Weight and Body Image frustrations out on him.
Now from my point of view I don't take it out on him but rather vent my frustrations in hope of getting some sort of positive response but he sees it as me thinking he's being critical about me.
My husband has always been skinny and is still skinny and never had to deal with Weight and Body Image issues. I have been struggling with body image and weight issues since high school. It has been a rollercoaster of weight gain and loss since my initial weight loss in college and my fear is getting back up to that 195 lb or more. My mother has been obese since having us kids and did some yo-yo dieting, had lap band surgery, and nothing has worked.
I have this fear of becoming like my mother. She has a lot of health problems now as a result of her weight and still has not found the motivation to get rid of the weight. Now I'm 32 and the last year I have noticed how easy it is to put on weight compared to my twenties. I normally eat fairly healthy but my biggest problem is portions. My husband can eat out and snack on crap but not gain a pound although there are times when my husband sometimes eats less than I do and has this uncanny ability to stop eating what's on his plate, yet I have to finish... So that's why I'm a calorie counter and have to measure out my portions beforehand in order to control how much I eat.
But my biggest Vice is alcohol. I don't drink everyday, mostly on weekends but I can tolerate a lot more than most women and I in turn drink more calories because of it. I had been measuring out my alcohol so I could count it at least the last time I was dieting which is good but once I jumped off the bandwagon it's hard to know how much you've had calorie-wise when you're not actually tracking it... Thus leading to mindless overconsumption of calories.
So anyways getting back to the point with a little bit of that background I'm just wondering how to get him to understand how it affects your brain when you've been struggling with this weight loss thing for years. I get a little too dramatic when I'm hormone flooded for sure, but these are all emotions I feel on a daily basis and bottle them up. It seems like every time I do bring it up to my husband we getting some sort of a fight about him thinking that I'm blaming him for something. I've tried and tried to explain it and how I feel and how my past affects my body image but for whatever reason he still gets mad at me when I get upset about my weight and how I look. He's never once said I look fat and ugly for the record, it's me who says that about myself out of frustration from gaining and losing and gaining and losing... The frustration of getting to my goal and then letting myself gain all that weight back after all that hard work. The frustration of not being able to stick to a maintenance program. It's definitely easier when he does these things with me dieting and exercise that is, because that's how I lost my last significant weight was right beside him. His body goals are different than mine though as he would like more muscle and I need to lose weight. However his motivation to build muscle is a lot less important to him than it is for me to lose weight so I have to keep myself motivated which is even harder. I need to find a way to keep me on track without having to lean on him for motivation and determination.
Anyways I'm rambling but I needed to vent, I have no best friends other than my husband to talk about this and sometimes I feel really alone when we get into fights.