THIS IS IT, GUYS. This is the weight loss journey that actually goes the distance. I can feel it in my bones.
A little bit of history for context:
I'm a 31 year old nurse who has had issues with food since about 8 years old. I was a solid little girl made of mostly muscle and fat; strong and slow, a little nerd with glasses and braces. My classmates told me I would grow up to "be fat like my Mom." She ended up dying last year from being overweight for most of her life. Mom gained weight because of a traumatic knee injury that derailed her fitness; she didn't want me to be overweight and (lovingly, with the best intentions) instilled in me both a fear of food and a belief that it was the best comfort of all. This led to alternating periods of starving myself and binge-eating in high school, which led to a huge weight gain within two years of leaving the house. I reached the mid-200's within three or four years of leaving home at 18.
My past experiences with weight loss have all been black-and-white: either I win or lose. There was no in between and I left myself no leeway for cheat days or off-days. I would lose 10lbs, and gain it back immediately. I lost 40lbs and gained back 60lbs. It always became worse. I've been on a diet the last two/three weeks and officially lost 10lbs as of Friday. This weekend I spent my time with friends and family at dinners, BBQ plate sales and breakfast at pancake houses. I also spent it working out and chugging water in between meals. When I weighed myself this morning, I saw that I had gained back four pounds (most likely in water weight alone)...
...and I felt...fine.
There was no panic. There was no self-hatred. I sighed, figured it was probably due to all the sodium I'd eaten that I've taken out of my normal diet, and drank a bottle of water before heading out to breakfast with my best friends (that I haven't seen in a long time). I ate eggs, hashbrowns and toast.
I told myself I could start again tomorrow and to just drink extra water today to take the edge off a little. I gave myself permission to just enjoy my day without completely giving up and eating all the fatty/greasy/cheesy food I could find. For the first time in my life, I allowed myself to be as patient with myself as I try to be with everyone else.
This is the weight loss journey that succeeds, because it's not about the weight this time. It's about being healthy, about enjoying my food without destroying it with salt and grease. I'm going to lower my blood pressure, lower my resting heart rate, and raise my life expectancy. Going up stairways won't be a scary and embarrassing experience. Running a 5k will be a realistic goal. In the meantime, I'm going to start fitting into smaller dress sizes, and my weight will decrease as a side effect of being healthy.
I'm so excited. I've never felt this way before; as though it was a real goal and not just some hypothetical dream.
Tomorrow, I will wake up, eat my oatmeal and banana, and go to the gym like any other day. It'll be a good day.
It feels so euphoric in a way to not hate my body. It's similar to a chronic physical pain: the simple *lack* of pain is heaven!
