Hi everyone,
I am not sure why I am writing this, I just know that today has not been great for me mentally, and I just need to vent, and maybe have some reassurance.
I am about to start on a weight loss challenge next week, which I am feeling nervous, excited and a bit overwhelmed about. It is really weighing on my mind.
I am struggling at my job, I just do not feel good enough, and I am scared of making a mistake.
I went to the doctors last week and every time I think about what she said, it makes me cry. Not only do I have another large ovarian cyst, I am also the heaviest I have ever been. I had surgery early last year, and I lost 10kg in a couple of weeks, due to being on a liquid diet. When I was weighed at the doctors, not only have I gained the 10kgs I lost, I have also gained another 5kg on top of that, bringing me to 125kg, the heaviest I have ever been. I feel so disgusted and ashamed at myself, and I have mentally struggled so much this past week knowing how heavy I am. I haven't been able to talk to anyone about it, I am too embarrassed and sad, but you guys cant see me crying behind my computer screen, so I guess this is going to be the best I can do for now.
The doctor also tried to talk me out of having bariatric surgery. She doesn't think it would work for someone like me, and made it sound like I haven't tried hard enough to lose weight. She then made me feel even worse (if that was possible) by saying she couldn't even test my blood pressure because she couldn't find a cuff big enough to fit around my arm, when the only one she had was a child size cuff. She then went into horrid detail about exactly how bad my blood work was. I left in tears.
To top it off, my partner works away a lot, and I feel so freaking lonely. I know he loves me and I love him, but this is so hard. I am sick of going to bed alone. I know he is being faithful, its nothing like that, I just feel really lonely, and really, really sad. I don't have any close friends that I can talk to about any of this, as they all have their own lives, but its just so hard. He knows how I feel about him being away, but we don't have a choice, we both need to work, and neither of us can get work closer to the other.
I am really sorry to have to burden everyone reading this with what probably seem like petty problems. I just feel really sad. The way I feel about myself right now is making everything seem worse. I feel sick every time I think about my weight, I have lost all confidence in myself, even thought I know I have gained the weight over the course of the year, its not all come at once.
Any advice, tips or support on dealing with feelings like this would be greatly appreciated. Thanks for reading.