Ok, so a wee bit of background.

I'm getting married on Sunday. In the interest of not being a complete whirling psychopath, Ping (hubby to be) and I had some discussion on the topic shortly after he proposed last fall and came to a few decisions.

We're in our 30s, financially stable, and we'd like to think reasonably well adjusted adults. For a low stress/entitlement set up, we decided to do this ourselves, and skip the bits we weren't interested in.

So we're throwing our own wedding. We're hosting it, planned it, kept the wedding parties small (1 each) the overall size reasonable (85 people) and the venue slightly different (a Sunday brunch at the local golf club). Most importantly we're paying for it ourselves. Lock, stock and barrel.

We're less than a week out, unstressed, on schedule, and looking forward to it. Then we made the mistake of congratulating ourselves on not stressing family by making unreasonable requests, or using them as unpaid labour, or asking for a check, or generally being overentitled gits.

I'm getting backchannel information now about family members on both sides being somewhat upset because "they didn't ask us to do anything!"

I need a drink.

We (now separated) did much the same and had a great wedding. The only lasting fallout, though, was from people or parents of people that had invited us to their weddings that we did not invite to ours to keep the numbers down.

I think it is just postering. Once it is over, they will forget it.

We did the same thing with our wedding, but having the wedding on the opposite coast of my family helped keep numbers down.

I had a very similar wedding last year - no gifts, no wedding party, My experience is that there's always SOMETHING that needs doing on the day of. Despite my "having everything covered", my family members and close friends were busy doing all of those various little things, and they clearly liked being part of the process. So, define those things ahead of time. Does something need handing out? Could someone be in charge of little jobs - saving the top layer of the cake for later; making sure bride doesn't leave her purse at venue; circulate around tables talking to people (my mom and dad did this and LOVED it; it's not just for the bride and groom to do)?

It ain't a wedding unless there are some grumbling unhappy family members! It's true. I really applaud you for putting on your wedding and doing it your way. I see a lot of couples now having intimate low key weddings and I absolutely love it. City hall weddings followed by brunch, garden weddings followed by tea and crumpets, beach weddings followed by barbecues.

Me on the other hand I did it the Big Fat Greek Wedding way and I really wish I hadn't. All the unhappy bridesmaids, trying to please Mom and MIL, seating charts, big bands, a bunch of people I didn't know, it was exhausting. Looking back I know I made a lot of choices about my wedding to please other people, everything from the location to the venue to the food to the dresses, it really wasn't me. Luckily our marriage is great but if I could do it all over again I would do it much differently.

On the other hand, my best friend was my maid of honor and she threw me a bachlorette party, a bridal shower and a baby shower. I couldn't wait to return the favor. But because she has a big family she didn't ask me to participate in any of these things, I was there of course but I played no role. I feel really slighted though I tried to be understanding. Come on, give me something to do!

Hello vchan000:

Congratulations! My husband and I got married 2 1/2 years ago and had a very private ceremony for our closest family and friends (12 people). Then we had a huge celebration and going away party at a friends house a week later because we moved out of the area. We showed our wedding ceremony at the party and there were definitely a few people that were hurt for not being invited to the ceremony itself, but we did what was best for us on our special day.

Bottom line: In my opinion, no matter the event, there will always be people that are not happy with something. I believe they will get over it, especially if they are close to you and love you because they will see how happy you are and that that's what matters.

Here's a story: When one of my best friends got married I was going to go with her to look at dresses. She ended up finding one when I wasn't with her. I was a little hurt, but it was HER wedding, not mine. I realized it wasn't something intentional to hurt me, it just happened that way. Also, she had been thinking of having cupcakes instead of a wedding cake! What? Are you kidding? That's one of the things I love about weddings, the cake! I was convinced that everyone looks forward to wedding cake and she should have it so she doesn't disappoint her guests! That was a selfish thought. It was HER wedding, not mine! She ended up doing 3 small cakes of different flavors! Can you imagine if we tried to please everyone?

Congratulations again!

Oh JayZeeJay: Great idea! The day of there are always things to do that the bride and groom won't want to be worrying about. Some people love helping and that's a good thing!

CONGRATULATIONS and have a wonderful time! The day of might be the time to ask for help - if you need something, don't do it yourself. That'll be your day to sit back and relax!

I've learned the phrase "it's for the bride" will get anything done in a hurry! (Especially drinks!)

Personal experience - I wasn't asked to help with ANYTHING for my best friend's wedding (I was maid of honor) except for kind of helping plan the bachelorette party. I was upset, but in hindsight its water under the bridge and nothing to carry forward. I'm sure your family will get over it too

i think they are showing their love of you in a different way ! they care you so being upset....
it will be ok . don't worry . you are family

Ok, so don't leave us hanging! How did it go??

Congratulations on getting married. I would have said "there was no need for your help, only for you to come and celebrate with us."

Don't give in to temper tantrums, shut them down! Good lesson for a newly married couple is that NOW you and your DH are a nuclear family, everyone else is extended family.