It is obvious that I have been in denial for a long time. For one, just looking into mirrors for my face, never for my whole body, and I wonder when did I stop that? About 15 years ago I guess, we moved into our new home and I mounted the full-length behind a door which is always closed. Well, no matter, the fact is, I was shopping in a big store trying on clothes the other day, desperate to find something ( I can't really remember what it was) and I got a glimpse of my entire back view. I did not recognize myself , and my emotions were as if I were looking at someone else, I felt complete shock. As is all too typical for me (now 53 as of this month) I closed my eyes, and shook my head , leaving the fitting room trying to forget as quick as possible.
The crazy thing is, I weigh less than I did 3 years ago when menopause was starting, but look totally different ; the fat has just lumped up in rolls all over my back and cascades over my undies, and moved up to my neck so that I have no chin, and now is beginning to make jowls.
In my youth it would have mattered a whole lot and I would have pounded myself into motivation and started an exercise & diet plan fast and furiously. Now I just don't seem to care, and would rather just forget about it. How is it that the prerequisite to weight gain is not caring, and how does the cause of the not caring happen? I guess what I'm saying, the weight is a symptom ~~ the not caring is the cause. I wouldn't give myself any reason to be unhappy, I live a lucky life, housewife with relatively no stress, and away from the city & racing life. My husband is kind (though a bit detached perhaps) and well, when did I stop caring to not even look in a mirror, so that it became what it is?
I use to think that I have to lose all that I gained since before peri, before I could be happy and feel desirable, but now I'd be happy with half that weight loss. So I've come back on 3FC after a bit of being absent, because I am on a weight gaining trend again (have gained 7 through the holidays) and want to 'hang out' with like-minded women. I've adjusted my present weight to add 7 pounds, and my goal weight from 139 to 149 and although I've GAINED weight since last time I was on, the number went from 40 down to 30 to lose ~~ lol ~~ at least that is a relief of some sort!