I began losing weight in 2007, and I went from 245 at 5'9 to 170 by 2009. I was so excited about my new and improved, 40Something, extra athletic body image. It was internalized by a feeling of pride over my secret, and yet modest, self accomplishment.

Then, in 2009 my beloved therapist, whom I actually had an infatuitive little crush on, abandoned me abruptly. He sent me a letter Informing me that he had stopped practicing psychotherapy. I had no time to process this personal loss.

I was anxious and felt like a ship, left adrift at sea. I guess I felt somewhat angry too. I therefore began sublimating with my new found, "COSCO Therapy." I began purchasing loads of junk food, at least 2x per week from my local COSCO. Then I would park and binge on food at the local park. I would eat like an Ox; numb, and emotionless, and totally Out of Any Sort of Self Control.

I totally forgot about how good I felt being in, "Total Control" over all the weight that I had lost. It certainly was easier Re-Gaining the weight than it was to lose it.

I had lost it mainly through self control, and 100's of yds of laps in the pool at my local JC. Also, I frequented my local gym nightly. This routine was always the same; workouts were always after dinner, after work, and after my lap swim, earlier in the day. I thought I had mastered, "The Perfect Balance." The balance of control, over weight loss that is.

But after I met COSCO bakery dept and pasta dishes, and oodles of other delish foods, I lost my self discipline.

As I already said, I went to parks and ate, and ate, and ate. Once I had to go directly to the hospital to have my tummy pumped after they realized that I had way too much food in me.

Then, I realized that I could do what they did to me, each time I ate way too much of Everything. So I began eating and purging at least 2x per week.

I lost a bunch more weight and was in total control Again. Or so I thought?

Then I tried to eat normally again as I was tired of going to the dentist and having to pay for a mouthful of cosmetic fillings to be re-filled again and again and again.....

So then I just ate mainly veggies, and some carbs and protein, and went to the gym religiously, on a daily basis.

I lost more weight, until the heat wave. Then I drank loads of water, all day long. After 3 days I weighed my body and almost fell off the scale from exhaustion of how hard I was trying to lose weight, and the fact that the scale said I had gained 8 lbs in just 3 days.

So I began fasting big time, and still drinking loads of ice water. A co-worker at work said this was, "The real secret of weight loss."

I haven't lost the 8 that I gained and am feeling really ANXIOUS over what my body is going to decide to do to me next.

I can't gain anymore weight. My goal is to go from 190 to 150, eventually. I was at 200, and then just gained 10 lbs from drinking loads of water in 1.5 week period of time. I had always heard that drinking water, helps you lose weight, not put on extra pounds?

What else should I do? I really want to fit in my old skinny jeans, that I purchased 2 yrs ago, and a bunch of work dresses and skirts are 1 size too small for my abdominal area, where I have a HUGE pooch. And embarrassingly enough, my former psychotherapist made a note of this too, just a few sessions before he dropped me, like an oversized,"Hot Potato!"

Oh, and my periods are now Totally irregular, and I feel so lethargic upon awakening in the morning that I have to drink about 2-3 cups of coffee in the early morning just to get my motor started.

Any suggestions???

You need a therapist, or a team of therapist/dr/nutritionist, who specializes in eating disorders.

Ya think I do? Well, I'm soooooo busy doing everything round here that I cannot even fathom the thought of "Being Committed" for a silly habit that I'm a bit on the Obscessive side of currently.

I think I gained the latter part that I mentioned in my post over my PMS which I think was last week??? However, my weight still hasn't gone back down like it usually does from my yoyo pattern right after PMS it usually drops about 8 to 10 lbs -?

I'm not sure when or if I'm getting a period this month from all the exercise and hot weather, I just haven't had an appetite during really severe heat waves, plus I'm at 40Something age of "New Life and The Change."

I dont know what this Menopausal stuff is really ALL about, except that it Totally ruined my self discipline after I hit the age of 40Something. This is when I began going places where older people frequent, like COSCO.

Thought it was like a singles market plus a nice place to get discounts on bulk sized yummies. Only then I got so immersed on The Food Shopping part that I failed to try and meet new people while browsing around.

And The Samples are like Trigger Foods when I 1st enter COSCO too???What do ya think? Me, certifiable? Or ResiDential worthy, Probly Not!

And Kaiser groups stink, everything is sooooooooo didactic that I am Totally over seminars of. "Howe to Do """things?

I appreciate your opinion. However, in my opinion, My Weight Loss plan is so much more than, " Commitment." Weight Loss, for me is, "A lifestyle." One that will probably last my Entire Lifetime. But, i'm happy with it, and accept all risks and responsibilities of reaching my goal weight.

Welcome Bluerose! I don't really feel qualified to address some of the disordered eating behaviors you describe (and it does seem like therapy could be helpful as seagirl recommends) but I just wanted to send you good thoughts and <<<hugs>>> as you struggle with these problems!

Thanks, and also I noticed you have similiar weight loss goals as myself. I am also striving to reach my college yrs weight of 150-165. I'm also almost 5'9.

Hey, I also wanted to send you some hugs. Now that the initial shock of losing your therapist has passed, you can start over. Perhaps you can get a therapist, but if you can't, I still think you can find a way to eat in a way that supports a healthy weight and life style.

My first suggestion is for you to make a list of all the foods you can't eat in moderation. Then, I would eliminate those from my diet. This requires a great deal of honesty with oneself. Some people can eat foods in moderation that are tempting, but I can't. Everyone is different and all I can do is offer what I find helpful.

The other thing I recommend is for you to plan your meals and times of meals in advance. I try to eat almost the same things every day. My breakfast and snack (only one snack a day at 4pm) are almost always the same. Breakfast is oatmeal, snack is greek yogurt with blueberries or string cheese and hard boiled egg.

Lunch and dinner vary, but I don't eat anything too exciting or else that could set me off. I try to use quinoa instead of rice but sometimes I do have a little rice. It's a food I can overeat on, but if I premeasure it and plan it in advance, I can make it work. What I can't control is sugar and flour. Even fruits, I only have one fruit per day and absolutely no dried fruits.

Exercise is great but not always feasible (I have chronic daily migraines of varying severity). I try to keep active, but with the heat, it's not always easy. I use exercise more as a stress management and for my health, but weight loss is about creating a caloric deficit with food. I eat between 1,000 and 1400 calories a day, usually around 1,100-1,200 a day.

I hope you find something that works for you. We are all so different. I wish you all the best!

Lunch and dinner

I have been eating a small cup of instant apple oatmeal every morning for breakfast and 2 coffee. Then I have ice flavored water 2 cups per hour, and a salad or wheat tortilla wrap for lunch, licorice for snack, and for dinner usually a protein like chicken nuggets and steamed rice w/ steamed veggies too. Then after gym I usually snack on Cheese its(30 of them). and some diluted milk that helps me sleep at night. Total cals , incl gym today was about 1250.

Have you thought about eliminating some of the processed, or sugary snacks, like Cheezits and licorice? Even though you're staying within your calorie range, maybe these foods aren't helping. I mean, there's no reason not to have these occasionally, but if you're not losing, that's one changeable factor to consider. Maybe it's the carbs? Have you tried shifting the balance to more protein, less carbs? Our bodies aren't like they were before we turned 40. It's hard to imagine such a small amount of these things could make a difference, but it's worth a try.

I think i am just toooooooo darn lazy and need to exercise M-O-R-E. I lost my comfort zone; the lap swim class is No Longer where I use to swim @, and I don't want to join a club just for the pool. So, I'm limited(during the summer @ least) to working out PM's @ my local gym. But, I don't go outside during the day, in the middle of summer,( i have a sun Phobia due to sun spots that I just had removed from my face, and avoidance in general of the HEAT...)

[QUOTE=1Bluerose68;5046975]I began losing weight in 2007, and I went from 245 at 5'9 to 170 by 2009. I was so excited about my new and improved, 40Something, extra athletic body image. It was internalized by a feeling of pride over my secret, and yet modest, self accomplishment.

Then, in 2009 my beloved therapist, whom I actually had an infatuitive little crush on, abandoned me abruptly. He sent me a letter Informing me that he had stopped practicing psychotherapy. I had no time to process this personal loss.

I was anxious and felt like a ship, left adrift at sea. I guess I felt somewhat angry too. I therefore began sublimating with my new found, "COSCO Therapy." I began purchasing loads of junk food, at least 2x per week from my local COSCO. Then I would park and binge on food at the local park. I would eat like an Ox; numb, and emotionless, and totally Out of Any Sort of Self Control.

I totally forgot about how good I felt being in, "Total Control" over all the weight that I had lost. It certainly was easier Re-Gaining the weight than it was to lose it.

I had lost it mainly through self control, and 100's of yds of laps in the pool at my local JC. Also, I frequented my local gym nightly. This routine was always the same; workouts were always after dinner, after work, and after my lap swim, earlier in the day. I thought I had mastered, "The Perfect Balance." The balance of control, over weight loss that is.

But after I met COSCO bakery dept and pasta dishes, and oodles of other delish foods, I lost my self discipline.

As I already said, I went to parks and ate, and ate, and ate. Once I had to go directly to the hospital to have my tummy pumped after they realized that I had way too much food in me.

Then, I realized that I could do what they did to me, each time I ate way too much of Everything. So I began eating and purging at least 2x per week.

I lost a bunch more weight and was in total control Again. Or so I thought?

Then I tried to eat normally again as I was tired of going to the dentist and having to pay for a mouthful of cosmetic fillings to be re-filled again and again and again.....

So then I just ate mainly veggies, and some carbs and protein, and went to the gym religiously, on a daily basis.

I lost more weight, until the heat wave. Then I drank loads of water, all day long. After 3 days I weighed my body and almost fell off the scale from exhaustion of how hard I was trying to lose weight, and the fact that the scale said I had gained 8 lbs in just 3 days.

So I began fasting big time, and still drinking loads of ice water. A co-worker at work said this was, "The real secret of weight loss."

I haven't lost the 8 that I gained and am feeling really ANXIOUS over what my body is going to decide to do to me next.

I can't gain anymore weight. My goal is to go from 190 to 150, eventually. I was at 200, and then just gained 10 lbs from drinking loads of water in 1.5 week period of time. I had always heard that drinking water, helps you lose weight, not put on extra pounds?

What else should I do? I really want to fit in my old skinny jeans, that I purchased 2 yrs ago, and a bunch of work dresses and skirts are 1 size too small for my abdominal area, where I have a HUGE pooch. And embarrassingly enough, my former psychotherapist made a note of this too, just a few sessions before he dropped me, like an oversized,"Hot Potato!"

Oh, and my periods are now Totally irregular, and I feel so lethargic upon awakening in the morning that I have to drink about 2-3 cups of coffee in the early morning just to get my motor started.

Any suggestions???

I'm Flooding myself w/ Cosco Therapy.
Last I went there I looked at the yummies but overcame the feeling of temptation of purchasing any junk food that is...I got a huge pouch of greens(spinach) and a baked cosco chicken, and Pesto. Then I left. But it is fun to look at all the delish desserts at Cosco. If I lose some weight perhaps I'll reward myself with a dessert...Tee hee(for now diluted cranberry juice and ice water All day, and biggest meal is dinner. Gnocci on a bed of greens and some baked chicken sprinkled around my gnocci salad and pesto, of course all mixed in along w/ ice cranberry juice, diluted with 3/4 water and ice...

I don't have children and I've never been pregnant. What gave you that impression?

My family is me and my husband and my three furkids (dogs).

Dear Michell",The Vegan" I'm sorry I must have mis interpreted your pics that I saw online. I thought that was a baby bump. Your stats are sim to mine and goal weight too. But I work out at a gym, and try and stay toned in my abdominal area especially.

I love the recipe sites on your web page. I now have one for my Google page. I love it. It makes me think of positive cooking and baking experiences. I NEED a great cook manual so I can fend for myself. So thanks for posting your references online. Everything looks so yummy.I have to search for the Healthy ones...