Hi there, I've come to this forum searching for some glimmer of hope, support, and help. I'm struggling more than I ever have, and I really don't know what to do. I apologize for the long-winded post, but I hope someone reads this and can offer some advice...
I'm 32 years old. I was overweight for all of my life, until autumn 2010, when, after moving to Los Angeles and getting into a new relationship, I decided it was time to do something about my weight, once and for all. I started eating healthier, started exercising, and over a few years, I lost 50 pounds, and completely transformed my body. I felt amazing and looked fantastic.
Then, this past autumn 2013, when I was at the height of my physical fitness, I suffered a horrible trauma. My then-boyfriend, who I'd been with for 3 years, attacked me in a violent rage and threatened my life. I had to abruptly leave where I was living with him in LA, leave my job, my gyms where I'd work out 6-8 times a week, and move back home to the San Francisco Bay Area, completely heartbroken and emotionally and financially drained. In late February, I had a horrible relapse (I'm a compulsive overeater), and I developed binge-eating disorder and went into a major depression because of what happened to me. I sought out therapy in April, but I'm still suffering depression, which is exacerbated by the weight I've gained from binge eating.
I've put on 20+ pounds due to the binging--I'm not sure of the exact # of pounds, b/c I'm too scared to weigh myself, but I just know that none of my clothes fit me, and I don't recognize myself in the mirror. I tried on jeans today that used to be loose on me last summer, and they wouldn't even button up. Needless to say, I have spent a lot of today crying. I've spent a lot of the past few months crying. It's been one of the most scary, horrible, dark things I've ever gone through.
Here's my problem: I haven't binged in almost 90 days, and I've been working out regularly and trying to eat healthier, but I haven't seen a change in the weight I put on. I'm starting to feel that weight loss a second time around is completely hopeless. I am PETRIFIED that I can't lose weight again and get back to the body I had last year, and that seems like basically a death sentence to me. I can't live being fat the rest of my life. I'm sure a lot of you understand. That's just not me--I don't feel like myself in this body.
Has anyone ever experienced anything along these lines? I am suffering so horribly. I feel like a prisoner in my body. Not being able to wear any of my clothes has really taken a toll on me, and I think about suicide because I'm so scared that I'm never going to lose weight again. I'm seeing a therapist, who specializes in eating disorders, but she discourages calorie counting. I still do it, though, in my head, because it's almost impossible for me to not do it.
Also of note--I have an active job. I'm a server at a bar, and I work from 8pm - 2 or 3am, usually, so my schedule is a bit off, and I'm not sure if that has to do with lack of weight loss or not. I don't drink very much - only 1-2 drinks a couple of times a week. I am not eating much differently from back when I was at my most physically fit last summer...so I'm just completely baffled, discouraged, and terrified because I don't know why I'm not losing weight like I was before. ANY help is so incredibly appreciated. I feel like I completely destroyed my body and health and I'm just destined to be fat.
tldr: I lost 50 pounds a few years ago, but after suffering a violent trauma, I've gained 20+ pounds back from binge eating disorder/binging for 2 months, and even though I haven't binged in almost 3 months, I haven't seen any weight loss or progress and I'm terrified that I've ruined my body for life.