I am having trouble keeping the weight off or even finding the motivation to lose weight. Last year I was living at home after being laid off. I worked at a dept store 2.4ish miles from home and walked to and from work for the better part of 5 months. I was commited to exercising, eating better for the first time in about five years. I got a job offer after almost a year of looking, moved to Boston and before I knew it the weight is back.
I have had depression on and off for most of my life, but this time it feels terrible. I not only have a weight problem, but I've had skin problems and I have trouble accepting myeslf. I feel trapped in my body. I feel like my body doesn't describe the person that I am at all. I feel like I'm so unattractive that trying to put my best foot forward or even take basic care of myself at times is just such a stupid idea. I can't find the motivation to lose weight like I did before. Why? I guess seeing other people respond to me in more or less the same way really took the wind out of my sails.
Since moving out here I haven't been to any social events since last winter. I spend my time "safe" at home or take a trip back to my parents' to visit. I feel like I don't stand a chance against all the petite, beautiful women in the city. Sometimes I feel ashamed to leave the house. I wonder how being normal weight will even help me - I was really unattractive and unliked even when I weighed > 130 lbs in high school (that was the last time I was ever > 150 lbs). I feel like no matter what I do I'm going to be a piece of sh*t anyway - history has proven that. So why try?
I am really struggling to find motivation to get back to being healthy. I hated exercising but I don't want to get bigger or develop health problems - at 200 pounds I can feel the strain I put on my body, and things that were getting easier are getting harder again. Still, I feel like I can't justify investing in myself when after all that work, and giving up my one crutch, my life is just not better at all. I feel scared of how unwanted I will be and how much I will continue to hate how I look no matter what I do to improve myself.