**Update on post three**
Hello everyone.
I felt the need to write out some of my thoughts and hopefully get some opinions or others who are in the same boat with some of these feelings I've been having. I browse the forums here a lot. I love seeing others succeed as well as learning from those who struggle like I do. Today.. I'm looking for people who are in both categories to maybe help me out with some of my crazy emotions.
Recently I've been trying to think of what holds me back from progressing in a permanent way as far as weight loss is concerned. I've gone down this path many times. (Can't tell you how many times I've lost the same 20lbs, and here we are again.) This time I can't even seem to get started. I know my weight is a problem, and that I'm even in a gaining phase right now. So here are a few things I feel like are potentially blocking me.
1. I'm terrified of what it will be like to be thin.
- I realize this sounds odd, so let me explain. Ever since I was eight, I've felt like I was heavier than those around me. I've been surrounded by layers of fat, and have become accustomed to blaming it for things. "I don't go out dancing because I'm heavy.", "I can't do that, it'd gross people out." Things like that. Why should I be afraid if it means I can do more things? Well, I would say it's that I'm afraid that there will be other flaws and faults that surface that tear me down in a new way. Example: I haven't really dated in the past. I blamed it on the logic that boys only like to date fit women. So what happens when I lose weight and still don't date? Then it becomes an issue of I'm ugly, or my personality is a wreck. I'm worried more about those other options than my weight.
2. The relationships I have changing.
- Despite my "Haven't really dated" statement in the previous reason.. I'm actually currently in a relationship with an amazing guy. He treats me super well and is always looking out for me. He knows that I'm unhappy with my weight but it has no affect on how he feels about me. He supports my desire to be healthy, especially since he recently lost weight and has become fairly active. He knows how it feels, so he will ask, "Have you been running/working out?". He wants me to be happier like he is. My fear is that whatever he currently sees in me as physically attractive.. Will change once I lose the weight. What if I have loose skin? What if the stretch marks on my stomach make it look worse once the weight is gone? Yes, I would be healthier and able to do more with him.. But I'm worried that sacrificing what I currently have for my health will impact us negatively.
3. Gaining it back.
- I enjoy the part where people notice the changes when I start losing weight. I also kind f like the process, or thought of transformation. My fear? Transforming in reverse. This is the umpteenth time I've tried to lose weight. My highest weight being 225, and getting as low as 180 (Where I seem to get stuck every time.). My average is from 190-205. I'm worried about the toll this is taking on my body... I have no idea what to do to keep the weight off.
4. My subconscious
- As my latest thing, and something I know I've thought about numerous times.. It that on a conscious level I want SO badly to lose weight. To be able to be someone who buys the sporty clothes, goes out jogging on a daily basis.. Who isn't afraid of physical activities like dancing, hiking, volleyball... But what if on a subconscious level, I'm not wanting to lose the weight? The reasons as to why that might be happening are endless, so how would I even go about fixing it?
5. Lack of self control
- Lastly, I have come to face the fact that I have no self control whatsoever. I don't know how to discipline myself and stick to it. I find that I'm very impulsive and I'll have already done something before I realize I've done it. I don't know how to even begin to fight this particular problem, just as the one mentioned above. It's hard to be in control when you have two halves of yourself wanting different things.
A lot of this is just me rambling, but these are some things I am really struggling with currently.. And I can feel depression lingering on the edge, threatening to come crashing down if I don't take some kind of action soon. So, anyone with any advice, or sympathy for knowing how any of these feel... Would be so appreciated.