So I have to admit a few things before I even begin writing this post:
• I’ve put 50 lbs back on and I am back up to between 245 – 255 depending on the variable factors.
• I haven’t been to the gym in nearly a year and I am scared to go back.
• My eating is atrocious and I’m currently on the “see food” diet
I feel ashamed and like a failure because of those three things and I am not sure what happened. I was going so strongly for a while and then – poof. All my good intentions and willpower seemed to flee me at the same time – I just stopped caring about working out and eating right. I loved how I felt while doing it but it seems like one day I just woke up and I was out of go-juice.
And those two parts of me are still at war – the “I want to be healthy” and the “I just don’t care”. I want to go back to the gym and eat right and get back to a healthier weight but some part of me, it feels like a major part, is completely against it. Knowing that I was doing so well for over a year and I just stopped, possibly because I never saw an end in sight, might be what killed my motivation.
So I am lost and it beating both sides of myself up – the part of me that wants to eat right and go back to the gym as well as the part of me that says “accept yourself as you are!” – and I want the war to end. My plan is to go back to the gym on Tuesday (specifically because that is when my Gym membership kicks back up again) but I am scared I am going to turn tail and run – throw in the white flag again – and that part of me is almost strong enough to stop me from starting again.
Has anyone else felt this way and how did you get over this internal war? Is anyone else stuck in this mode right now?
Thanks