The past weekend was a challenge; hunger was off the charts but today is MUCH better. Now, my tummy feels so tiny. Isn't it strange how it changes like that?
So, I wrote a very long, heartfelt post last night but I obviously deleted it by accident. I felt it was important so I'm going to attempt to recreate it now:
After many hardfought years, it's become very apparent to me that my addiction to food was just one form of a potent addictive personality.
I do not write that lightly.
I would like to explain what I mean. For YEARS, every time I found myself upset, bored, frustrated, angry or sad I would just eat into oblivion. After my gastric bypass, I was sooo thrilled to have that monster under control. What I did not realize was that my tendency to trend toward addictiveness in other ways would rear it's ugly head.
I'm a lifelong migraine sufferer. Prior to my wls, I took indomethicin [indocin] which really worked great for my migraines. After wls, I could no longer take them due to being an NSAID. My doctor prescribed me something else. Fioricet.
This worked wonderfully for my migraines. The saddest part was that they worked TOO good. They made me feel awesome. No worries, no fear of crowds, euphoric. Uh-oh. The longer I took them, the more detached I became. That went on for over 5 years. It's sooo hard for me to write that.
They also made it to where I was never hungry - at all. Perfect, I thought!!
Wrong. Very wrong. I finally buried that monster in early 2013. That was precisely the same time that my weight regain got underway in earnest.
I share all this for two reasons . . . it helps me to be honest about how I came about regaining some of my wls loss but also in case there is anyone else out there who can identify. When I gave up my eating addiction, there was still a huge hole inside me. Not from the surgery - but within myself.
For me, it was prescription pain meds. For others, it might be alcohol, smoking, street drugs, overspending . . . I have no idea.
I am far from being back at my "fighting weight", but I'm working on it. Some days I do great; others? Not so much. I now try to focus on one day at a time - or often, one hour at the time. When I make small, positive steps I remind myself that it's all the small things that will take me to where I need to be again.
It really is difficult to be so open with this. The only people who know are my husband & my psychiatrist . . . and now, all of you.
It just feels necessary to me to have some honesty with all the struggles that I fight each day. Some days, choices are easy. Today is one of those days & I'm grateful for that!!