Hello! My name is Athena and I am 21 years old.
Short Intro:
I've been overweight since I was about 9 years old but got really bad when I entered high school. I was insecure and really anti-social so I stayed home either reading or writing. I've had arthritis for nearly three years, but have only had a diagnosis for almost 2 years. I've never been that healthy girl, but I've became even more inactive because of the constant pain. In just that first year I went from loosing 30 pounds to gaining double back. I went from 260 to 290 then to 307 in the last few months.
Backstory: Long, but I think worth it.*
This isn't going to be an easy introduction.
I know that I'm failing at life, I have no self esteem and also no will or motivation. I have severe trust and abandonment issues because of my childhood. Because of them I have social anxiety, no friends and I give up too easily. I don't want to do that anymore. I need to take control back.
In a way I feel like by letting myself get this heavy I was punishing myself for the people who didn't want me, for the things I've done, for the times I just couldn't stand up for myself. I hate myself. Physically, mentally, emotionally...I just don't like who I am. I did this to myself. Sure, people let me down and just didn't care about me, but It wasn't my fault. I was a kid I didn't know any better. I didn't have anyone to love me or tell me at the end of the day that it wasn't my fault. I wasn't ok. I was sad and lonely. Everyone was better than me. I was told that I wasn't going to grow up to be anything good and I believed that. My own family turned their backs on me and forgot that I even existed before I even hit middle school. They put labels on me and ignored every sign I put out that something was wrong. To this day they don't know any of the stuff I put myself through.
I built up walls and just forgot everything I wanted. I forgot what it meant to be happy. I lost control and stopped caring. I gave up because I knew I would never be good enough for them. I knew that my brother would always be smarter than me. That he would always be one step ahead of me. I knew that my mother would always choose her husband over me and that she loved my brother, but not me. I knew that no matter how many times my stepfather tells people that I'm his daughter that he'd always love his flesh and blood more. I know that no matter what my sister will always consider me crazy because I won't accept people putting me down, hurting me and telling lies about me. I won't accept people thinking that because I was a child that I shouldn't defend myself, that I should keep quiet and I won't accept people who don't protect their children.
I've done with them. I choose myself. I choose myself over them. I choose my health. I choose my health because they don't know what it's like to hate yourself.
I need serious weight loss buddies. I think I'd do better If I had someone pushing me and giving me accountability. I need someone that will be willing to talk daily if possible. I'm at rock bottom and I don't need to procrastinate anymore
*I completely broke down writing that tears and all. It was cathartic.