I'm sitting here in the dark crying hard. I don't know how to keep going every day. I'm 41, mother of 3 great kids. They are at their dad's. I don't have any close friends, and I'm tired of bringing my family down with me. So here I post. I'll start with my feelings. Each day it is too hard to face the morning. I wake up feeling sick because I have to go out. I make it up and to work (most of the time), and I do my best to pretend everything is okay, because people get tired of you when you are just depressed all the time. By the time I get home I'm exhausted. I sit on the sofa, eat whatever I can find, and watch stupid TV shows until I fall asleep. I do not like to turn the TV off, because then I am alone with myself. And I am not a good person. I'm too tired and depressed to clean. I don't go out. I don't do anything at all. I know all the things I should be doing, the things that will help the depression. I should get outside. I should exercise. I should seek counseling. I should do things with friends. I should get a project. But you know what? I am just too damn tired and I really don't want to. All I really want is for the pain to go away. I don't ever want to get married again because my experience with men makes me realize I'm way better off alone. Besides, I'm too fat for anyone to want me. Yes, I'm riding the pity party train pretty hard. But I am so so tired of putting on a happy, brave, "I can do it" face. I have to be real somewhere. So sorry, guys, it's got to be here. Because I have no where else to turn. I don't even know what I'm looking for. Not advice, I guess, because I'm not going to follow it. Hope? Is there any? I can't remove myself from life because my kids would be devastated. But really. I can't even stand myself. I guess I just hope someone has been here and has gone through it and has come out in a better place. I just really need someone to talk to.

I don't have any great advice for you but we have a 40-Something section. We'd love to have you come hang out with us.

PS: Hubby was Navy and we lived in Oak Harbor for 2 years. Mostly I remember they had a great library, because I spent most of mine time there when Hubby was deployed.

I'm sorry you're in so much pain. I wish there was something we could do. I hope you find hope as something to hold onto as you find your way through.

((((lots of hugs))))

Lots of hugs! Being a mom of three itself can be extremely exhausting!
Is there anyone who you could talk to in real life? Feel free to message me.

I am so sorry for your pain. I am sending you big hugs and warmest wishes that you feel better soon.

Feel free to vent as much as you need to. We are all here for you and, yes, I have been where you are. I think a lot of people have. It is possible to come through it and to feel better.

Please keep posting so that we know how you are doing.

little bits at a time. remember just a little bit helps - and a little bit of change is better than no change at all!

((((HUG)))) I feel you so much.

Sorry to read that you are feeling this way. I know it can be hard. I do know how you feel to an extent on not wanting to exit life because your children would be devastated. That reasoning alone has kept my own mother from slipping into the next life. Funny enough, I kept myself from crossing over just so my mom wouldn't follow me because I know that would be the straw that broke the camels back.

Sometimes, wearing our mask for the sake of everyone else really does become too much. I use to think that I was worthless, and I was over 340! No one would ever love me or make an effort to please me. Someone, thankfully did come into my life and has been there through my worst. He has seen me breakdown, tears, screaming, threats of suicide.

I can't sit here and tell you that it will get easier. It is easier for me to deal, but I still have to fight my own personal demons. I really do hope you find some wonderful members on here to converse with. Even if your new friends are not there physically they will be with you emotionally, and just a click away.

Sounds like me some time back, except I had a fur lined pity pot, one source of pleasure.

It truly is the pits being so down and out. A true loser. Yup, been there dun thet.

But on the bright side (yes, there is a bright side) you are almost there You are almost to the point of being so tired of being sick and tired that you are almost ready to do something about it.

You know what to do and when you get to the last straw you will give up and start recovery. Until then you can continue living in your rut, not only living in it, but bringing in new furnishings to make the place feel real comfortable.

When you reach that point please be sure to let me know, I will then love hearing of your progress and share some of my recovery experiences with you.

B F R
big fat rooster

23 lbs dropped over the last 53 days and feeling MUCH better

Yes, there is hope and your life CAN get better. I know all too well how you're feeling because I've been there, done that. I used to be a miserable person 90% of the time. I can remember going WEEKS without bathing and actually going out in public like that. Wearing ratty clothes and being covered with layers of funk and nasty. It's been about five years since I hit a bottom that low. I'm here if you want to talk about it. I have all of the time in the world to listen.

- Courtney

Whether you know it or not you have already made one improvement - talking about it. So, cheers for you for laying it all out there and admitting to your issues, that is a tough thing to do and I hope after you typed that out, held your breath, and posted it that you felt a bit of pride. And then I hope you felt more pride when people responded to you in a positive, supportive way. Hopefully that reinforced the tiny voice inside you that is telling you that you are not a bad person, you just have some bad habits. So kudos to you for taking a step towards the positive.

Now, continue your momentum with another step towards the positive. Don't look at all the steps in front of you, just look at your feet and take one small step, one that is doable for you. Something like eating an apple or turning off the TV for 15 minutes or taking a short walk. Then try every day to just take one more positive step. Come back here for support. You can do it!!!

I'm bumping this because I hope the original poster will come back and give us an update. I hope you are okay, thin within.

You REALLY need to see a doctor and at least try out antidepressants. In the right candidate, they can and do work. They could help you get out of your funk so that you're actually motivated to do all the things you feel you "should" do. Once you start doing these things, you'll start feeling even better. Please don't wait to see a doctor.

Best of luck and keep posting,

Freelance