June 13, 2003 - 3:06 pm
Jacob – I promise you...
That starting right now, not tomorrow, not next week, not next month, right now I will stick to my weight loss program. I will do what I need to do to become a healthy, active, vibrant mom for you. I love you with all my heart and soul and this is going to be my gift to you. I want to be there when you go off to 1st grade, I want to be there when you graduate, I want to be there when you get married. I just want to be there for you. You deserve to have a mom who is of normal weight and is healthy. Who can run with you and play tag. Who want to go to the water park and go on roller coaster rides. You deserve to have a lap to sit on. I will do this for you. You don’t know yet that I am fat, you have never been made fun of for having a fat mom. I will start now and maybe those things (that would break my heart) will never have to happen. You will be the thought that keeps me going when this journey gets tough. You will be my rock. And by helping myself I will be helping you. I will teach you as I learn to eat healthy. My good habits will become your good habits. I refuse to pass my sickness on to you. You don’t know yet that I am sick. So starting now, I will make myself well. I don’t want you to ever sit in a hospital waiting room and say to dad, “How come mom never just lost the weight?”. I want you to say “Well, at least she is strong and healthy, that should help her heal quickly”.
I think often about what life would be like if we ever lost your dad. Well, I think, then I’d get healthy and strong because I’d be all you had. But I just realized, I have it all wrong. What if my weight has already deteriorated my health and then he is called up. Then what. It’ll be too late. And also, I love you and your dad so much. Don’t you and your dad deserve the best of me. I am not at my best at this weight. It is constantly hanging over every day, every event. Don’t we as a family deserve the best right now. I am so lucky to have the 2 of you. I want to give you the best. And starting now, I will.
So, Jacob, my dear sweet 2 year old, to you…I promise.