I feel rather silly about this, but I guess I'm just having one of those days. I decided to clean out the closet yesterday to rewash and reorganize some of my clothes that haven't been pulled out in ages. I'm glad I held onto some of the bigger shirts, they'll come in handy for the pregnancy. I also have a handful of things that I'm on the verge of fitting into comfortably, but they'll have to wait until sometime next year after I've had the baby. Anyway, I sorted through some of the shirts to try on today, and I'm simply not happy with anything.

I'm an apple so I'm used to having a big stomach, and since I'm only 11 weeks along it hasn't really gotten bigger; my waist measurement is still the same (although I think things have shifted around since my jeans are no longer comfortable) and I'm actually 4 pounds lighter than before I conceived. So I'm sure it's all in my head, but anything and everything I tried on made me feel horribly, utterly fat, as if I looked 6 months pregnant rather than almost 2. Heh, I can only imagine how I'll look later on!

I don't speak to the doctor again until Monday, but I found out this morning that my blood sugar tested high and that I'll have to take the 3-hour glucose test in order to determine if I have gestational diabetes. I've been hoping my current diet would be enough to keep things under control but we'll see how the test goes so I can find out what I need to do from there.

My breaking point came a few minutes ago when an old friend on FB posted a photo of the abs she's worked so hard for, of all things. While I'm genuinely happy for her, I lamented about how my stomach will never even remotely look decent without surgery, no matter how much I might lose (I already have a lot of loose skin after losing 150 pounds and still have at least 60 to go once I can get back to a deficit). I know it's not fair for anyone to make comparisons and it's not as if I even want abs . . . just dammit, I'm sick of this stomach and I've been working so hard to make it smaller than my hips, and it seems so far away now. My waist is currently the smallest it has ever been at 45"; I feel silly complaining about it and I know a lot of it has to be hormones right now, but I've been crying. I'm sick of being fat and am frustrated that I can't do anything more about it until after the baby arrives. And don't get me wrong, I'm so thankful for finally being pregnant and am doing everything I can to be healthy. Maybe I'm worried about the glucose test. Maybe I'm just tired and stressed. Maybe it's way too easy to forget how far I've come and how much healthier I am now than I was at my highest. I know I'll feel better soon, but for now I just want to curl up in a ball and cry.

*gentle hugs* I understand your frustrations. You've come such a long way! But it's been a long, hard journey. It's OK to be tired and stressed and a little down. It's OK to have a good cry. It may well push your reset button and it's a lot better than stuffing your feelings. You're OK. *more hugs*

its an emotional experiance , and its not easy but to give you some tough love


pick your self up and push those thoughts out of your mind , your almost at the 3 month mark the next 6 months are not as long as you think , enjoy your pregnancy youll have plenty of time to get back on the wagon when your little one is born , evrey woman is beautiful in her own way, pregnant women are beautiful x10 ! your body is beautiful in its own way too capable of loosing a whole person and capable of bringing a new little person here ! spend your time taking care of yourself and pampering yourself and putting together the most kick *** nursery you can on your budget !

:hugs:

Hugs

I had the same thoughts when I was pregnant.
Good luck on your glucose test.

Hugs

Sorry you are having a bad day, Karen. You definitely have come so far and are so much healthier but we forget that sometimes. And it's ok to cry and stress if/when you need to.

I was seriously hoping I'd be pregnant by now (miraculously) so we could share this journey together (I'll be crazy about my weight, I just know it...) but alas it wasn't meant to be yet. I'll keep trying though!

We are all here for you, even if some of us haven't been through what you are going through.

The dreaded fat days. Nothing but hugs, I've had the sad thoughts and even though it isn't reasonable or accurate, it still sucks to feel huge

That glucose test can be stressful, I know it stressed me out big time. Not that you should be upset over it, but don't underestimate the effect it is having on your mood. And it's not related to weight, even the super skinny girls stress about it. It kind of has this "pass or fail" aspect to it that can make you feel bad. I'm sure this comment really isn't helping, but sometimes I find if I can narrow down what is annoying me, I can compartmentalize it and feel a bit more in control. Anyway, hang in there, and don't worry too much (easier said than done I know!)