Or am I just unmotivated? I've been killing myself for a year now to lose another 10, 20 or 30lbs depending on my mood and I've gone up and down, but always seem to average about 160. Isn't that what maintenance is? LOL
I can get down to 150 eating a lot fewer calories and I can weigh 175 pigging out but I think I'm happiest right where I'm at. I'm a size 12 - not skinny - but not (horribly) overweight. If you had asked me 3 years ago what I would think of that, I would told you that it was amazing. I can now do all of the things I wanted to do. I can shop where I want to shop (for the most part). When I dress myself, I look in the mirror and like what I see. I (usually) feel pretty and sexy. I don't think I can really pull off a bikini at this weight - 150 yes, 160 no. But do I want to do what it takes to get back to 150 and stay there - not really.
I'm still having a really hard time with self acceptance, but I don't think the answer is in the next 10, 20 or 30lbs. I have pushed and pushed trying to get there convinced that some sort of magic is going to happen. But, I think all of the "magic" already has. Maybe I just need to keep going on maintenance but instead of maintaining through going on and off my "plan," I should try to actually maintain and work on accepting myself at this weight. If I can ever achieve that, maybe I'll want to lose more? I don't know?
I do know that I'm tired of the roller coaster and tired of looking in the mirror and imagining my body 10lbs lighter and making promises that in XYZ weeks, it will be "better."
I've always had this big goal of losing 100lbs - I lost 65lbs. The last bit seems unimportant now. But I always imagined goal feeling like a great big accomplishment as I watched the last 20, 15, 10 and then 5 and then 0 like a big exciting countdown, but now it just feels like an exhausted relief. Or am I just finding an excuse to give up? Thoughts? Advice?