Well, nobody will probably read this lengthy rant due to it's lack of brevity and less than sunny disposition...but that is alright, as I am mostly composing it to organize my own thoughts around an issue I am struggling with, forgiveness. For those of you brave enough to continue, I appreciate any insights/criticisms/views you might be willing to share.
Most very heavy people have experienced cruel treatment, discrimination, and the sense of invisibility that accompanies obesity. I am no different. To this day the relentless taunts and exclusion of my childhood haunt me. I'll share a few of the lowlights...Being mocked while having an asthma attack during PE. Having a soccer ball intentionally kicked in my face. My dad, although well meaning, was highly critical of my weight, frequently threatening that nobody would want to marry me. Near daily commentary on the appearance of my body, my ability to fit in desks, why I shouldn't wear shorts...eat that...do this... and so on.
Please understand I don't share these experiences to seek pity or anything like that, I understand kids if all shapes and sizes experience bullying. Furthermore I feel for the probably millions of people whose life struggles make mine appear a literal cakewalk.
I just feel the compulsion to write this out because I feel that it's something eating away at my soul. I am so, so, so angry. I want to go back in time and DEFEND myself. I want to scream, I WAS JUST A F*&%ING CHILD! I want to slap the PE teacher who told be he would be embarrassed to have a daughter my size in the sixth grade. I want to chase after the boys who mocked one of the few males with the courage to speak to me by telling him he wanted to, "harpoon a whale", and give them a REAL reason to fear fat.
This sadness and this anger have caused me to develop two modes of being. Mode 1...trying my damn hardest never to be in the way, always apologizing, bending over backwards to be kind and helpful. Staying up late at night to read, study, and generally work on anything that might convince the world, it's inhabitants, and myself that there is something worth valuing INSIDE this body.
Mode 2...F%*king hating everyone, especially the thin, especially men, especially myself. Of course, I never do this outwardly, and I would never willfully say something to hurt someone...but there is no escaping the reality of my thoughts. I can't help but be angry when I sit in the front row of my PACKED organic chemistry class and the only two empty seats are those on either side of me. I can't help but be heartbroken when a man openly criticizes his "friend" in plain view of me for dating a "desperate, bottom-of-the-barrel fat girl".
Most of the men I've known have been either actively trying to use, hurt, or ignore me. There is NO EXCUSE for how many (NOT ALL, please forgive me nice guys!) men treat big women. Being kind to fat women does not mean your obligated to f%*$ them, but we would appreciate being able to go on a bike ride in public without being publicly humiliated. And WHAT is the deal with men who mock their friends (or perfect strangers for that matter) for pursuing/being with a woman that does not live up to THEIR personal standards of beauty? I mean, really? It's not enough for you to hate, judge, and degrade us, you have to convince everyone else to ride the train with you?
So I'll admit it...Mode 2 AKA "pissed off me" does NOT want to be a part of what I have often viewed as, "Their Club". I want to be HEARD, not just seen. I want to be KNOWN, not gazed at for my thin body. I want recognition for qualities that hold even the faintest possibility of affecting some positive change in this world!
The one time in my life between age five and now that I achieved a healthy weight, all the sudden I was, "hot", and I hated it. I was disguised at how I was spoken to by men, I hated how all of a sudden they wanted to hear every damn word I had to say! I don't understand women that lose weight and are thrilled by this attention, doesn't it feel like a lie? In my head, it sends a clear message that the BODY is everything to men, the MIND, a mere accessory.
I frankly don't much buy into the "confidence" theory. Even it it were valid, what function does such a theory serve? So, if people lack confidence that is a reasonable explanation as to why they should be denied simple courtesies? That's a cop-out and will do nothing to improve how men treat fat women, I would argue that the perspective is damaging and assumes ALL overweight people lack confidence, which they clearly do not. It would also stand to reason that if the theory were legitimate, confident fat women would not experience such discrimination. Also clearly not the case.
I have oft perceived it all as just a stupid contest to see who can have the "hottest" wife. Ever checked out the stats of what percentage of men would seek a divorce if their wife gained 100lbs? Tragic, apparently the vast majority would opt not to provide support or show concern for the PERSON they MARRIED, they would simply move on to a more "acceptably" thin wife.
I often feel much less animosity toward thin women, as I have witnessed many call out men for their behavior. I am heartbroken though when they do join in the lookism trend, and also because many of them are so blissfully unaware of "thin privilege" as some have called it. I don't know if unknowingly being with men who only value them for their bodies is something I would define as privilege. (Not to say all, or even the majority are in that situation, but certainly many are, and that sucks! Especially for the ones who have to discover the truth the hard way). They may receive the "benefits" of attention and acknowledgement, but it is often only a thinly veiled attempt at gaining their favor. My sister, who is thin and also quite a lovely person inside and out, has explained this to me...the most "beautiful" women are nearly equally ignored and feared!
I bet your wondering when the forgiveness comes into play? Well, thing is, I've realized my rage isn't doing me any good, and it isn't doing any good for fellow-fatties either. It consumes me, and as a result, I consume distractions, food and otherwise. Distractions from my hate. Distractions from my refusal to meet this American culture where it is...developing. Not economically, but compassionately. I can't use my anger to increase love in the hearts of others or manifest the kind treatment of fat children! {duh moment}
I have a son, coming two years old. I also have a three year old daughter. I can no longer afford to protect myself from immature boys with a thick layer of adipose tissue. My heath and longevity is of greater concern. I can no longer afford to hold such hatred in my heart against men. I love my boy, I don't want him to ever perceive that I view his gender with a wary eye. I want him to know that HE is GOOD, and that's not going to happen if I continue to focus my thoughts on the BAD guys, rather than delivering appreciative sentiments to the GOOD guys.
How do I set down this burden? How can I forget that little girl who is still very much a part of me? How will I know who I can trust without possessing an obvious "defect" which acts to deflect the shallow? Will my achievements be my own, or will they be preferentially made possible for me based on beauty bias?